Love YOUR Body

I spent a good chunk of time looking at myself in the mirror. Then I broke down in tears and put on the baggiest of clothes and laid there in a mess on the floor. He always talked about how Provo is obsessed with having a beach body. Then he made the assumption that I had a beach body. I told him no. He dismissed my response and asked when we'd hang out. 

Every thing about this conversation triggered the self-conscious part of me that hates my body. But why did I give him power to do that to me?

After an ugly cry, I came to my senses. I wiped away those tears and picked myself off the floor and began to recite my positive affirmations. 

I am a Daughter of God. I radiate the Light of Christ. I am beautiful. God created me. I love my body. I love my curves. I have a beautiful body, full of energy. God only will I serve. My body is working this very minute to do the Lord's will. I am beautiful!

I felt a power within myself come alive and my very frame was strengthened with so much conviction. When you recite truth,  you will feel your spirit confirm it. It's a beautiful experience and one that I will continue to do.

Love YOUR body! You were made by a God who loves you. He created you in His image. You are beautiful, no matter what anyone else thinks. Your body is beautiful just the way it is. And don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise, because they're not worth your time. 

Can you imagine how God must feel when we express any kind of dissatisfaction with our bodies? He created you in HIS image. He wants us to love our bodies and treat them with respect. I'm trying to ingrain this in my mind by telling my body, "God only will you serve." This helps me keep me focused on the beauty and purpose of my life. 

Love your body, m'y friends. Your body is beautiful and divinely made.

Fresh Love & Devotion

Recently I felt that a chapter in my life was ending and I needed to do all that I could to wrap it up. God urged to me to do some hard things. I became very vulnerable in so many aspects of my life. Some were easy, others were hard, but I did it. As this chapter ended and a new one began, I felt a shift in focus. My heart was focused on God and Jesus Christ. My desire to heal and to align my will with God's became my priority. I felt a fresh love for myself, God, Christ, and those I deeply loved. I felt a joy that seemed to consume my heart. I constantly repeat the affirmations:

I am a daughter of God. 

I radiate the Light of Christ. 

I am beautiful. 

I am brilliant. 

I am loved.

I am happy!

Each time I recite these truths, I feel my spirit come alive and drink it all up. I feel these truths imprinted on my heart. I feel myself radiating light and have others have pointed this out not even knowing what I've been doing. Tapping into my higher self has helped me see myself as a beautiful, woman of God. It has also opened my spiritual eyes and see others as their higher self. I can sense just a taste of how much God loves His children. 

I'm all in. This fresh love and devotion to my God has opened up this new chapter so beautifully. I am becoming.

Becoming (Part Eight)

I was thinking earlier today on my way to work about where I am in comparison to where I was at the beginning of the year. I knew my life would change and that I would have to embrace a new normal. There's never been a year where the Lord has stretched me to get out of my comfort zone more than this year. It's been hard. I was unsure of how my new job would be like back in April. I was unsure of why God wanted me at this specific job. To be honest, it was a step down for me in more ways than one. And I hated it. I kept looking for a new job, because I felt so uncomfortable. I felt like everyone was so smart! I didn't feel like myself.

So I had to make a choice. I knew the Lord would support me with whatever I chose. I chose to stay. I chose to stay for many reasons. I knew that I needed to become more comfortable with myself in uncomfortable settings. This job has caused me to become more comfortable with myself and who I am. And honestly, it's been hard. Like reeeeealllly hard. I think it's human nature to want to feel a connection with others and to fit in. I wanted that. I wanted to know everything that everyone talked about. Pokemon, pop culture, video games etc. Those things aren't me. I never really had an interest in them. I've had to pray for strength from the Lord for me to become more okay with who I am. I needed to accept myself with who I am.

I'm seeing myself differently. I'm more and more okay with who I am. I'm practicing confidence and speaking out. I honestly enjoy where I work. I love the people. I love the environment. I'm grateful that God brought me here. I'm learning and growing in ways that I need to progress.

God is so wise! He throws you in uncomfortable situations and if you're wise, you'll come out on top! I also know that without His help, I wouldn't have been able to make it through. I'm becoming in an area of my life that really needed help.

It's not the worst.

Read the last entry in this series: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/09/becoming-part-seven.html

Mind Over Body

When your phone dies while you are half a mile into your run, you are forced to either walk or become one with your body and push yourself. Choices. It's all in the choices. I can usually drown out my mind with loud beats, but not tonight. Tonight I could feel everything. The heaviness of my breathing. My heart pounding. My legs screaming at me.

Come on, girl. Mind over body. You just gotta push yourself a little further. Mind over body. 

I became very in tune with my body. I pushed myself a little further and little harder. I spoke words of strength and praised God for a body that moves.

It's not easy, but it's not the worst.

He is First

Personal Credence: I firmly (and I mean firmly) believe that God should be first in your life.

I'd say that my relationship with God has strengthened in the past five years. I remember the first time I sincerely went to the Lord via prayer. I was sitting in my car after an upsetting conversation with my mom. I felt lost. My best friend at the time had left for her mission. She and I had pretty much been inseparable, so you can imagine that separation anxiety was a real thing. I felt out of place in my family. I felt empty and worthless. So I prayed cried sobbed out loud to God the one thing I could muster:

Please help me.

Growing up, I knew there was a God, but it was until this moment that I experienced His reality so deeply. I felt peace come over me. I knew He was aware of me. Since then and through a journey of (mostly) trials, I have come to rely so deeply on my God. He is first and will always be first in my life. In the darkest moments, I have held on to only Him. I've felt lonely, but have always known that I was never alone. He promised me that I would never be alone and He has kept that promise.

This year in particular has been a whirlwind of both good and trying times. Gosh, the beginning of the year was just so awful! I've hit some low points, but this years low point was just- well you know, awful! I was angry at my situation, but NEVER was I ever angry with God. I couldn't be mad at Him. To this day, I can't ever be mad at Him. Knowing God, I just can't bring myself to be angry with Him. Really, all I could do was pray and let the chips fall where they may.

Here I am in October 2016 and we have been closer now more than we ever have been. The other day, I realized the true strength of our relationship through one of the most sacred Priesthood blessings I've ever had. In the past six months, I have stayed awake through the night to converse with Him. Funny to think that the dark, quiet night is the time I feel so much light and love. I have been pouring out my raw heart to Him and He listens to me. Personal revelation has been flowing more than it ever has. I'm slowly learning how our communication works and let me tell you, it's working beautifully!

He's my God. I am His and He is mine. Words could never eloquently express my deep love for Him. I know He knows me so deeply and intimately. I want to know Him so deeply and intimately too. We're working on it together. He knows me better than I know myself. He sees me as the divine Queen that I am and reminds me of my divinity all the time. He's my Father. My Father. He makes up the difference where others lack. He listens to my endless rants, frustrations, cries- whatever! He wants me to talk to Him. No judgement. Just love.

There's absolutely no way that I could (would) ever deny Him. He is real. He is very real to me and I feel His love for me every single day! Not a day goes by that I don't see His hand in my life. I've been praising Him more each day. I've been expressing my gratitude to Him more each day. I've been asking Him for forgiveness and strength to be better more each day. I rely so heavily on Him. And it's so easy for me, because I love Him!

When He calls, I always come. Is it easy? Not always. Sometimes I'm hesitant. But I always come to Him, because I love Him. I love Him more than anything and anyone. I love Him more than I love myself. My desire to do His will has only been growing. It's not easy. But He's worth it, so I trust Him. His love is fulfilling and the light that it brings into my life is everything I need.

He is First. He is always first.

Becoming (Part Seven)

Coming clean with myself has been one of the most empowering things I've ever done. Allowing myself to heal and cleansing myself off all the junk that has been holding me back. Consistent mediation, prayer, and scripture study has been my staple. I'm becoming a better woman. I'm spiritually empowered, emotionally stable,  and mentally healthy. I can feel warmth. I can see the goodness of God in the details of my life. It's a process and it's working. I'm becoming my best self. I'm becoming in touch with my higher self. I'm filling myself with good things and that has helped me stay focused. In order to fulfill God's will, I needed to cleanse my inner vessel. It's worth it. God's love and goodness flows through me more and more.

I'm becoming and it's beautiful. I am beautiful.

 [PC: Sadie Banks Photography]

Read last entry in this series: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/08/becoming-part-six.html

Becoming (Part Six)

Today I stalked some of my married friends. I don't usually FB stalk, but it just seemed like a good idea at the time. Definitely a time killer too, because by the time I was done, an hour had gone by! Geez. No regrets.

I think my favorite thing is seeing through pictures how these couples started off with dating which transitioned to engagement, then marriage, and for some, babies. I love seeing the joy in my friends eyes as they transition from one to the other.

This is so becoming to me. Especially as I see my girl friends transition from wife to motherhood. You can see the bliss and love in their eyes. I have the utmost respect for those women who become mothers or watch over children with love. It's a big responsibility and mindset to have, but oh my word is it beautiful! So obviously it's becoming, because it's beautiful! Speaking of mothers, I'd like to quickly insert my love for my mama! Today is her birthday and she deserves all the birthday wishes and love! Happy Birthday, Mama Rock! I love you!

I would also like to submit that seeing a father love his children is seriously one of the best things to see! I love seeing my brothers interact with their kids. It gives me all the feels and hopes for my future love.

Read part five here: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/04/becoming-part-five.html

Becoming (Part Five)

Meditation helps me face the natural man in me. Meditation requires me to push through my natural man instincts and focus. I was hesitant to jump on the bandwagon, because it seemed so iffy. And I associated it with yoga. And I hate yoga with a fiery passion. I've done a grand job at distracting myself that it has made it so much harder for me to focus. But I continue to face and fight the natural man, because doing it helps me tap into my spirit. It brings me back home.

I believe that the more we face and fight through our natural man is a becoming process. We tap into our true spirits. That spirit reminds us how good we are and how great our potential is. That can be a driving force for us to become the person God intends us to be. That's becoming.

Part Four of series: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/02/becoming-part-four.html

Vibrant Life

I am worthy of a vibrant life.

I watched a video that really "pierced me to the core." It was about living your life. I'm really good at letting the days pass by. For a while there it seemed like the days were just mushed together. I'm a gal who lives a lot by fear. I'm a dreamer. Just a dreamer. Not a do-er. I don't like rejection. I don't like failure. I like to play it safe. I like my bed. I like to stay inside. I'm a home girl.

And every now and then I'll have spontaneous moments. But then the introvert in me has to recuperate for like 8 years. And I hate it. I hate that about myself. If you could only see the lists that I have made for years of things I want to do. You'd be like, "Girl, get yo' shiz together and live yo' life!" And then I would be sitting on the bathroom floor in tears telling you all my insecurities and excuses as to why I can't do them.

Here's the thing, it wasn't until this last trial of being unemployed that REALLY made me think of what I wanted to do. I wasn't doing what I wanted to do. It's my life. And while I am working on understanding my ministry, I also want to have life experiences. I want to have stories to share with my children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. I want to know and feel the joy of my journey.

So I took those lists and I made short-term and long-term goals. Then I carefully (and prayerfully) crafted a plan for those goals with the Lord. Because, Lord knows that I can't do those things alone. I've already proven to Him and myself that I can't. I'm not perfect. But change is very possible. I can change my life now. I want to die knowing that I did three things in my life:

1. Loved God
2. Shared the Gospel of Jesus Christ
3. Lived life to the fullest

Here's I go!

Rewriting my thoughts

I've been complaining a lot lately and I've been really mean in my head. If anyone is my worst critic, it's definitely myself. I've really been chewing myself out and crackin' that whip. And what are the benefits of doing this? Nothing. I benefit nothing. And yet, I still do it.

I came across this beautiful post written by the ever beautiful Mara and she shared how she has been changing her language of her thoughts. I agree with her, when she talked about how her thoughts were "burning up energy" that she needed for the day. I realized that I do this very thing. My thoughts are so negative and worried that it exhausts me more than anything. I'm wasting so much energy through negative self-talk that it's literally killing me. 

So after this realization, I repented. I begged God for His forgiveness. Negative thinking is like a slow death. You hate and hate and hate on yourself and you just wait for yourself to bleed until your heart stops. If I understand that I am a daughter of God, then why in the hell would I treat myself as the exact opposite? I can't do it anymore. Because it's blinding me and killing me faster. 

So I am rewriting my thoughts and letting God's love and light fill me. I pray for His help, because God knows that I can't break nearly 26 years of negative self-talk on my own. My thoughts are more encouraging. My thoughts are more kind. And I'm not gonna lie, it's so hard. It's so very hard and sometimes I just sit down and cry and cry. And then I pray and beg for forgiveness and strength. 

The things I choose to do, just so I can fulfill my ministry. Perhaps this shows just how much this mission that I have been entrusted with is to me.

Here is the link to Mara's blog post: http://www.ablogaboutlove.com/2015/08/my-current-tightrope.html

Here is her main blog link: http://www.ablogaboutlove.com/

Distracted

I've got a lot of thoughts in my head. My focus to understand and fulfill my ministry has been distracted. Today I was just boiling mad at someone for absolutely no reason. I created all these scenarios in my head and I was just mad. As per usual, you wouldn't be able to tell. I was getting other things done. But all the while my mind was mad. Then it dawned on me that was Satan was just being a jerk so I quickly got rid of him.

This journey to towards my ministry has been so trying, because now that I know that I want to fulfill God's will, Satan's been distracting me and filling my mind with anger and pain. And sometimes I want to forget it all and just focus on the things that I need right now. But, my heart is telling me to focus on God.

I have trials and pain just like everyone else. There are things God is asking me to let go, so He can further my journey forward. But I being so stubborn keep putting it off. Last night, I frustratingly wrote down my prayers to God on post it notes and put them on the side of my desk and went to bed. I shamefully was just waiting for God to fix everything. And then tonight I knelt in sincere prayer asking forgiveness for being irresponsible. If I am to fulfill God's will, I need to go through the refiners fire. I need to stand up to the plate. Here's to a good nights rest and a fresh start tomorrow. There's always tomorrow.

General Conference Part One

I was really looking forward to conference. I prayed and fasted that I would be given some guidance in my life. I sat in my chair with a big bowl of corn flakes and was ready to roll! Elder Eyring started off with a beautiful talk that made me think about my seed of faith and whether it's buried in good soil. I've been wanting to strengthen my testimony and Elder Eyring nailed it.

I am really good with forgiving others, but when it comes to forgiving myself, that's a hard no. Elder Kevin R. Duncan spoke on forgiveness and it was a beautiful talk. He said:

"An unforgiving heart harbors so much needless pain. When we apply the healing ointment of the Savior’s Atonement, He will soften our heart and help us to change. He can heal the wounded soul."

I realized that I am holding on to so much pain that I don't need to. So I've been forgiving myself and trying to show myself love and healing. It's a journey friends.

The first session concluded with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing, "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and it was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! If there is any song to conclude a beautiful session, that song was it! The lyrics really hit home:

O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee

Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above 

I started tearing up when I heard this song, because I think it's a human part of life where we start to walk away from God. We are hurt and we want to trust Him, but sometimes our faith an trust just isn't strong enough. I know I've felt that. But when we cry out to God, He always hears us and He will reach out. This was me last week. I wanted to walk away and I started to, but I experienced so many tender mercies that kept me in His arms. I cried to God for help. And I felt like I was waiting forever. But it was really strengthening me and then the tender mercies came. And little by little, I began to pray more in praise and gratitude. And God began to lift my spirits and I was filled with overwhelming joy over the weekend. It was worth it.

Part two will be tomorrow. Bye!

Elder Eyring's Talk: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/where-two-or-three-are-gathered?lang=eng 

Elder Ducan's Talk: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/the-healing-ointment-of-forgiveness?lang=eng

All General Conference Talks: https://www.lds.org/general-conference?lang=eng

Face to Face with Jesus

I read the most beautiful book over the weekend. My mom gave me the book and told me to read it. So naturally, I binge read it. This book is called Face to Face with Jesus. This book is written by Samaa Habib and she tells her conversion story from Muslim to becoming a Christian. She talks about how she would pray to Allah five times a day and yet she never heard from him. She feared him. She was in a dangerous situation and prayed to God and He answered her and preserved hhiter life. Through a series of events, she has a pure and powerful conversion to Jesus Christ. From then on, she fully devoted her life to her Savior. When at Church, there were five bombs that had been hidden within the building and she was thrown 10 feet into the air. She died, but she met Jesus Christ. She was given a second chance and came back to her mortal body. She endured pain and all sorts of trials, yet her faith in God and in Jesus Christ sustained her life. She was given power to fight against those who sought to rape her and kill her. She was given power to endure through physical pain and operations after the bombing. She prayed and fasted on multiple occasions. She prayed for strength for herself, but she also prayed for her attackers, she prayed for her brothers after they would beat her, she prayed for family and friends. She shared her testimony of Jesus Christ with everyone, EVEN her attackers. This woman is incredible.

This book answered many questions that I had. I've talked to you about wanting to fulfill my ministry. I had been praying for answers from conference to know where to start. That led me to realize that I need to strengthen my relationship with Christ. I've been wanting to find ways that I could be more devoted to my Savior. You know that I love my God more than anything! God and I are a team. But Jesus Christ and I- we could use some work.

Samaa prayed and fasted to know Her Savior more. That's what I need to do. Pray and to know my Savior. How can I fulfill my ministry about the Savior, if I don't know Him better? I want to devote my life to the Savior and to do the Lord's will. But that means a lot of refining. But if Samaa can do it, then I can too, right? If the prophets of old and modern day have done it, I can too, right? Right.

I give this book 5 stars and I highly encourage you to read it! You'll love it!

Purpose through My ministry

When Jesus Christ came to this earth, He had a purpose and fulfilled it through His ministry. That got me thinking about my purpose. I believe that all of us have a purpose to fill in this life. Of course I have a lot to learn and shoes to fill, but with God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, I believe that I'll be able to fill those shoes.

There have been changes in my life recently that have helped me take a step back and really look at myself. Who do I think I am? What do I want to do? Where do I see myself in five years? I've been realizing (especially through job rejection) that I am looking in all the wrong places. God is trying to help me understand His will for me. And I haven't a clue what that is. That's okay though. I'll get there.

I began thinking about Christ and His ministry. And that got me thinking about my personal ministry. So I started to study and immediately turned to the Bible Dictionary.

Ministry. The work of the ministry is to do the work of the Lord on the earth- to represent the Lord among the people, preach the gospel, and administer the ordinances thereof. ...Therefore what he does "according to the will of the Lord is the Lord's business."

 So then I got to thinking that my ministry was really HIS ministry. I've received several blessings that have told me about my mission in my life. That I would be a great influence in bringing others unto Christ. And I've always thought that was cool, but I would just brush it off. It would happen when it happens. It wasn't until recently that I realized that it would only happen, if I kept myself worthy to fulfill that mission.

That mission has become my ministry. And I'm not perfect nor do I feel close to being able to do any of that. So I've been turning a lot to prayer. In the heat of this trial, there's no where else I should be than in the scriptures and on my knees praying to my God for help.

All of this has helped me put a purpose to my trials and pain. A defining (and refining) purpose to help me fulfill my ministry here. Whether that's being a better friend, becoming a wife/mother- whatever. The joy of the gospel of Jesus Christ is priceless and everyone should have it! And God, everyone should know that God lives and that He and Jesus Christ love us so much.

I still have a lot ahead of me. So here I begin again, but this time with a more focused purpose to my ministry. I have a lot of refining to do. A lot of "what lack I yet" and humility. I have a lot to take to the altar of sacrifice and willing let go to follow what He wants me to do. But I believe that it's all possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

I love God. I love Him so much. And I recognize more and more that I want to live with Him again. Eternity without God just wouldn't be eternity. So here I am again, turning to Him with the Saviors hand in mine. I want leave this life feeling satisfied and fulfilled knowing that I had done His work and fulfilled my ministry. A life spent in the Lord's work may not be the easiest, but if I trust God, than I know for surety that it will be worth it.

Pep Talk and Daily Affirmations

Regardless of the outcome, I will always be good. I will always be divine. I will always be okay. I'm still alive. I'm still breathing. I'm still Marlisa Rock. I'm still strong. God still loves me. I'm so very good. I'm still worthy of love. I'm still worthy of acceptance. I'm still a daughter of God. It's not the worst. You got this. You can do hard things and you can endure hard things. It's a good day. I'm still good. I'm still loved. It's really not the worst. Breathe, you'll be okay. It's going to be a good day. All good things, all good things.

Repurposed

I remember vividly the day the Provo Tabernacle burned. I cried. I've had memories of going there. I remember seeing people standing outside watching it in flames and tears in their eyes. How could God let something so devastating happen to such a historic building that served many people through the years?

President Monson calmed the storm when he announced that it would be made as the second Temple in Provo. My heart soared. God wasn't just rebuilding a historic building. He was rebuilding it to be a holy and pure building. It was going to become His house. Wow.This last Sunday this beautiful building was dedicated as the House of the Lord. It was a beautiful ceremony. More than 600 buildings in Utah were set apart for this momentous occasion. Being able to attend along with hundreds of other people was incredible.

Friends, we all can be made holy and pure. We can achieve perfection. We can endure hard trials that refine us into better people. Just like this temple, we can change. God knows you. He knows who you can become and He will help you. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ we can change. Countless people in the scriptures and in these modern days can attest to this. We all can be changed through Christ. His purpose was to help you. You were worth it.

So when you feel like your burning inside. When you don't feel like you can handle your trials. I stand with you. I currently feel that. But don't jump ship! Everything will be okay, because God loves you. Your Savior, Jesus Christ loves you. God has a better plan for you. You're being refined. I'm being refined. Hold on thy way and know that you'll be okay. God has a purpose for you. Just like He had a better purpose for the tabernacle that would serve His children far better.

Remember it's not the worst. Jesus loves you, my dear friends. God loves you! Happy Wednesday!

Acceptance

I've been studying and thinking and thinking and studying a lot about acceptance. I struggle with self-acceptance and it's always something that I am constantly working on. It's easier to accept other people, because there's that part of me that knows everyone struggles. And then there's that other part of me that would want to be accepted, so I treat others that way.

I've talked to you about Brene Brown and how she's amazing. I've also told you how it's hard for my mind to accept her words and to swallow down my pride when it comes to shame, self-worth, vulnerability etc. I have a past. Boy, do I have a past! And shame is like the un-welcomed uncle that just keeps showing up at your door. I'm human. I struggle. And I struggle with acceptance. And when the day is done and I get ready to go to bed, I look at my phone and see this quote:

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” -Brene Brown

Isn't that what everyone wants? To feel accepted, authentic, and wanted? But--isn't it more powerful when you can accept yourself? Because wouldn't that feeling dispel that need or want to be loved or accepted by others? Wouldn't that satisfy the innate need of belonging?

I don't know my friends. I'm still studying it and thinking about it and applying it. But I believe that Brene Brown is on to something! Happy Thursday, friends.

Healing

I was in attendance at a Christ-Centered Healing & Meditation Conference a week ago. It was brain overload for me. I must say that the speakers are masters of their craft. Their knowledge and belief in healing was something that I struggled to understand. The first class I attended was about healing from trauma and abuse. I hesitated going because--well the title speaks for itself. I got there early and pulled out my Nancy Drew book and read. If I'm going to attend a healing conference, then you bet your bottom dollar that I will be bringing a Nancy Drew book for comfort! No excuses. No shame. 

Class started and I sat there uncomfortably towards the back. No, you can't make me move. I'm here and that's all that matters. And then she made us move forward, but I didn't budge, because there were some people behind me. She proceeded with telling us her story. I felt sorry for her and felt grateful that it wasn't me. Everyone in class was moved. You could just feel it. And see it. There were people who were moved to tears. I was not. I choked those tears down. But oh how my heart ached. And I was trying to convince myself that I was okay, because I had already dealt with all those feeling. Then the teachers gaze fell on me and she talked about the atonement of Jesus Christ and its healing power. And she stared at me and she talked. And I couldn't break the connection, no matter how hard I wanted to. Her words rang true. I could feel it all while I choked down those tears. I wasn't going to budge--not even for her. Not even if I knew how true her words were.

Class ended and I felt the strong hustle come over. I wanted to leave. I wanted to cry. I wanted to stay and learn. I wanted to pray. I didn't want to pray. I wanted to shout out in anger. My emotions were all over the place. I needed time to process. Of course, you couldn't tell. (Or maybe you could tell, because I was surrounded by Empaths and energy professionals.)  I kept my face emotionless and smiled as little as I could. I gave hugs to people who offered them--even that was hard, because I don't like touch. 

I survived the conference. It really was so good. Brain overload. I needed time to process everything. My brain couldn't do it. It was at battle with my emotions. The battle was like this:

You need to let your emotions speak.

No.

Emotional releasing is good. Triggers are good.

No.

Stop being stubborn.

Don't tell me what to do.

You know all of this is true. You know you can be healed.

I know. I just--I just can't. 

Stop being prideful and let go.

I will eventually.

You're probably thinking about how stubborn I am. And I am. But I can tell you that I am meditating. I am praising God more. I am praying more. I am being more grateful and thanking God for His kindness. I am doing what I was taught. I'm processing while I attempt something new. If there is anything I've learned is that God is still there and the atonement of Jesus Christ is still available to me whenever I need or want it. I'm learning. Slowly. And that's okay. It's not a race. What matters is that I'm learning. I'm healing. I'm coming closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I'm strengthening my relationship with God. It's all okay. I'm okay.

Becoming (Part Four)

I believe that part of the becoming process is learning to move past shame. To be able to "own your story" as Brene Brown put it and move forward with your head held high. I'd say shame has been something that I've been really hating lately. If there's anything that Satan is really good at, it's shame. And while I prefer to ignore it and hide it under my bed, it always surfaces. It's hard. It's really hard. If you want to learn more about shame, I highly recommend you look into Brene Brown. Her book I Thought It Was Just Me was the book that got me into wanting to learn about shame. This book really hit home with me and it took me several months (yes, months!) to get through it. I couldn't just read it like a page turner. I had to read a little bit, process and internalize what I read, and make a personal connection to it. And sometimes doing just that took several days, even weeks.

Shame says that I am bad. And I honestly feel that way every single day, multiple times a day. I'm not saying this because I want your sympathy or pity. I'm sharing this with you, because everyone feels shame. It's part of the human experience. 

But we don't have to be defined by it! That's part of the becoming process. Working through our emotion and shame and coming out strong. Because regardless of what our story is, we are still worthy of love. The becoming process is knowing that you are good. You are strong and courageous. You are worthy of love. I like that. So much so, that I am working on it. It's not easy, but I know it's worth it, because I am worth. You are worth it. 

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Check out part three of this series here.

Love Letters #6

"I've bee thinking a lot about myself lately. Not in the selfish sense, but more so in the sense that I want to love myself. It's hard, because I know my flaws and I see my curves. I'm trying to be chain breaker, but breaking 25 years worth of self-loathing is hard. But I'm trying. I only take one day at a time, because that's all that I'm given. While I do want to be beautiful for you, I first want to be beautiful to me. I'm accepting myself as the imperfect human being that I am. I believe in change. I believe in God. I believe in using the atonement everyday. I'm not perfect at loving myself, but I can say that I'm more accepting of myself the more I work at it. I'm not changing for you. I'm changing for me. And I think that's a big part of love. To not only be better, but to consistently trying to be better. Being more accepting of myself helps me be more accepting of you and others. I love you."

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Read here for the last love letter, you know, if that's your thing.