Five Years

We each were feeling the sting of being heart broken. We were young. Early twenties. Very different, but vibrant women. We gathered in the cold, dimly lit parking garage,  huddled over the grate, each clinging to a picture. One by one we each held our photo and said our goodbyes. We burned those pictures to symbolize our letting go. Ice cream and Taylor Swift's "Picture To Burn" was the celebration of our new found freedom.

Fast forward five years. 

I look back and think how dramatic and unnecessary that was. (Although proud we never got caught.) In the moment though, it felt real. I was so young and naive. I had no idea then what I would soon go up against. No more burning pictures. No Taylor Swift to sing my feelings. No ice cream to soothe the pain.

I release my pain differently. I'm a little wiser now. I'm closer to my God and Savior, Jesus Christ. I cry a lot more. Sometimes I eat my feelings, but most times I forget to eat. Who knows what I'll change in the next five years. But for now, this is my reality and how I deal. 

It's not the worst.

Hit or Miss

...or curious. My creativity through cooking comes out when I'm trying to use up the food that I have. I don't want to go shopping, because I'm lazy and I hate it. I ate a fried egg with pimento olives and cheese mixed in it. I topped that with some cilantro-avocado dressing. It wasn't the worst. I ate every bite. And then I had the same thing for breakfast the next day.

For lunch today, I thought it would be great to use my frozen cauliflower. I bought them, because I had read that you can substitute chicken with cauliflower. So I went to work and made this beautiful lemon chili pepper flour coating and poured it over the cauliflower. Then I baked it. And I baked it. And it baked. But it wasn't looking the way I wanted it to. So I threw it in the oven again and wracked my brain as to why it wasn't working. Then it hit me. I was supposed to fry the cauliflower. So I took it out of the oven fried it up and still looked terrible. And the taste, you ask? It wasn't the worst. And usually I will tolerate that, but not today. I threw it away in the trash and made chocolate chip pancakes.

It's a hit or miss with me. I am usually pretty good at cooking. I have limited ingredients, so maybe I need to just suck it up and go grocery shopping this week. It's not the worst. Happy Tuesday and I hope your food tastes better than mine.

P.S. You've been asking for recipes on food that I've posted on Instagram and those recipes are coming!

Rejection

I think rejection in any form can be hard. Whether it's relationships or jobs--it hurts! Today I got turned down for job that I thought I was going to get. And to be honest, I am extremely grateful that I didn't get it. But that doesn't mean that I didn't feel the sting of rejection. So after a very awkward phone conversation from the employer, I sat there staring out the window. I was disappointed and relieved at the same time. So I took a deep breath and told myself "it's not the worst" and changed my attitude. Because I love God, I trust Him to guide me to where He wants me to go. And if I have to be continually rejected by employers to get to the right one, then so be it! Feelings of rejection have such a  negative tendency to make you feel like you're a failure and not good enough. It's easy to wallow in pain. Keep moving forward through the sting of rejection, because you'll always come out on top!  It's not always going to be  easy, but with God, it's so much easier to bear. And let me share with you a little secret: You are good enough and worthwhile! Especially in God's eyes. (That's not really a secret.) There's joy in the journey, my friends.

Love Letters #7 - Journal Entry

I had requests for a love letter and journal entry post. So I thought since it's February 1st, I would start out love month with a love letter in the form of a journal entry. Which isn't any different than past love letter posts. But I'm still killing two birds with one... heart. (Just tryin' to keep up with the love theme here!)

"I've been studying a lot about shame and a few months ago I jumped on the Brene Brown train. That took studying shame to a new level! It's been a very hard battle- fighting shame that is. I know that it's not an uncommon thing for people to feel shame. You don't necessarily have to do something that would be considered shameful. It can be felt in even the smallest ways. It's part of the human experience. I fear being vulnerable. I'm not an "open book" and I don't want you to think less of me if I share a very vulnerable part of me. I want to be loved and accepted. And it's so much easier for me to love and accept you, because it's inspiring and motivating. But when I turn inward, it's the complete opposite. I don't feel like I deserve to be loved and accepted, even though that's desperately what I want. So I'm studying shame, so that I can work through the personal shame I feel. I want to have the courage to be able to give myself fully to you. I want to be able to open up to you and still be able to keep my head up. I want to be able to connect with you, but I can't if I am guarded by shame. I admit it hasn't been an easy road. It's hard for me to own my story. It takes baby steps. It takes forgiveness. It takes lots of tear-filled prayers. It takes turning to God and our Savior, Jesus Christ. It takes courage. It's hard. But you're worth it!"

On a completely different note...I filed my taxes today. I'd say this month is off to a good start! More posts to come. (Mainly because you guys yell at me when I don't post. Sorry. Not sorry. Also, seriously? You guys want more pictures?! Check. Out. My. Instagram. Jk, I'll do my best.)

Check out the last sappy love letter by clicking riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight here.

Always with Love

***Note: The events of this post happened yesterday, even though I'm posting this today.***

I've been running into grumpy people.. Stressed out people. Insecure people. Depressed people. Imperfect people. And don't get me wrong, I have fallen into these types of people lately. So here is how tonight went down:

A dear friend of mine and I went to the grocery store. We parked a little crooked, but still in the lines. I could get out of the car just fine. No problems. And then the woman who was parked next to us and her kids came into the picture. 

And a bit of hell broke out.

She was angry and the few words I caught were, "Parking, seriously?" She paired that frustrated tone with a look to match! Yikes! I heard her open the door and in a cold tone tell her kids to squish. I walked over to see her with the door open more than enough for her kids to get in. And my friend offered to move her car and fix the parking. I didn't hear a reply from this woman, so it didn't happen.

I was angry and confused, but my parents taught me respect, so I quickly, but kindly said, "We're so sorry! I hope you have a good night." And off we went. And don't get me wrong, I was angry that this woman would not only act that way, but do it in front of her kids, and then talk to her kids in a rude way. I walked into that store impatiently, when suddenly a thought came to my mind: You don't know her. Pray for her.

As I walked up and down the aisles putting food in my basket, I kept replaying the whole scenario in my head. And then I started thinking about how I don't know know her. I don't know what her day, week, month, year, or life has been like. Maybe today has been a rough day. Maybe she's a tired mama, who just wants to get home. Maybe she's hurting, stressed, or depressed. Maybe she was in a hurry and our poor parking job made it harder for her back out. I don't know.

And then I came home and shared my frustration with my roommate. Frustrated again! And then again, the Spirit slapped me in the face. You don't know her. Pray for her. And just like that, He was gone! Guilt and shame really started to settle in.

So tonight, I knelt down in prayer and poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father. I asked for His forgiveness for my negative attitude. I asked forgiveness for being stubborn. I asked forgiveness for not praying for this woman right away. Then my prayer became all about this woman and her family. I prayed that they would be blessed with good health. I prayed that the Spirit would go and comfort them. I prayed that God would continue to watch over them. I prayed that my heart would be softened. I prayed that I could be more understanding of other people and asked God to help me.

The Spirit came and filled my heart with love. Love for this woman that I don't know. Love for her children. Love for everyone who may be hurting or struggling right now.

I made a promise to myself and to God that I would be more understanding and kind. I would show love and compassion to everyone that I come in contact with. I promised to strive harder- more than ever before- to share Christ-like love with everyone. Even those who hurt me. Even when I don't understand.

So to the woman at Smith's grocery store around 6:10 pm on Tuesday, January 26, 2016, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for the whole situation. I'm sorry the car was parked crooked. I'm sorry I was internally frustrated and gave you a lame apology. I'm sorry your kids had to squeeze to get into your car. I'm sorry that I had negative feelings towards you. I'm sorry that my actions affected you. I'm really sorry. I wish you and your family the best in life. May God continue to watch over you and bless you with so much goodness!

On a similar note: I taught Relief Society this last Sunday about following the Spirit and always having Him as a companion. It was based on this talk given by President Henry B. Eyring from October 2015 General Conference. I needed that lesson. What happened tonight was an opportunity to obey the Spirit. I guess you could say that I obviously need more practice. And I now know that it's so important to have the Holy Ghost as your companion ALL the time. The Spirit will always teach you (correct me), comfort you, and guide you. Here's to striving to be better.

A look through the Divine

Self-loathing is real thing. I can't tell you how many times I can look at myself and hate the girl looking back. I see the extra fat, the tired eyes, crazy hair, and fake smile. And when I'm not looking at the mirror, I can rip her apart and really hate the girl inside. I see her demons, failures, trials, and mistakes. Never worthy of joy or love.

I had moment the other day. A father/daughter moment if you will. Through loving chastisement, I was once again, reminded of my identity. I have forgotten who I truly am and where I came from. I took a long look in the mirror and this sweet reminder sparked a desire to change.

God is a Father. He embodies love and mercy. It pains Him to see me hate myself; a daughter that He created in His own image. Through that love and mercy, He sent His son, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ knows the very hate I feel, because he too, has felt that rage of self-loathing. And because He has felt this, He has paved the way of healing and love. He made change possible, so that I could look at myself with love. He made change possible, so that I could see who I truly am.

I am imperfect. I make mistakes. I have inner demons I deal with. But I am a daughter of a King. He is a Father and one that I hold very dear to my heart. He loves all of me. He see's me as a beautiful Queen. He knows my potential and knows how to help me reach it.

Take a look through the eyes of The Divine. You'll see wonders and feel the warmth of love. Oh how different we would be if we could grasp this knowledge and use it. And we can. With discipline and use of the atonement, we can. We'll be able to see the Kings and Queens within ourselves. We are meant to be royal, for that is who we are.

I practice now looking at the girl in the mirror and learning to see her as He does. And with that comes love. If He loves her, then I surely can. I can love all of her, for she is divine and full of worth.

"And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and sickness of his people.

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmitites, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. -Alma 7:11-12 

Love Letters #5

"I am human in every sense. I struggle. And I want you to see that I struggle, but then I don't at the same time. I want to be strong for you all the time. And I know there are going to be times when being strong for you is allowing you to see that I struggle. I take time to process things and I know you know that. Just don't pull back when I share with you a very human part of me. I know you wouldn't. The more I accept my imperfect self, the easier it is for me to accept imperfect people; the imperfect you. I love the imperfect you. It shows me that you are human too. Together we'll just walk this life imperfectly, but we'll learn and grow. And we won't be alone. You and me, sir! Thank you for being accepting of the imperfect me. I love that. And I love you." 

***

Missed the previous sap, here it is:

• Love Letter #4
• Love Letter #3
• Love Letter #2
• Love Letter #1

Time Change

I have a love/hate relationship with Daylight Savings. I love Daylight Savings in the fall. I hate Daylight Savings in the spring. (I guess it's technically still winter but whatev.) I hate that it throws of my schedule. This last time change was a wild ride. It hit during possibly the worst time of the month. And Sunday was fast Sunday for my ward, so no food or water to wake me up.

Shark week + Fast Sunday + Daylight Savings = H-E-Double Hockey Sticks. 

However, spiritually, I had what ended up being a very humbling experience. So let's the change the title now to:

TIME to CHANGE

In tears, I confided in my brother my dilemma. I sobbed. A lot. He later reminded me the wise counsel from Bryant S Hinckley:

FORGET YOURSELF and GO TO WORK!!!

The past couple of weeks, I have been so self-involved and closed door-ed that I have been blinded. I've been so worried about me. My life, my problems, my questions etc. It makes me wonder how many opportunities to serve I missed out on, because I was in my own little world. This really caused me to take a step back and repent. something. fierce.

I am here. Here to serve the Lord. I read a beautiful talk given by Elder Neil A. Maxwell called, "Willing to Submit" and it hit my heart! In my own life, I have found that the moments when I do my best to submit my will to the Lord, it usually always requires me to serve. DUH, MARLI! I know this, you know this-amen hallelujah! But you see, I forgot. Again. Because I am human. 

Cuz I'm only human...Thank you Christina Perri. But in all seriousness, I need to forget myself and the trials and drama that are going on and focus outward. 

"Spiritual submissiveness means, instead, community and communion as the mind and the heart become settled. We then spend much less time deciding, and much more time serving; otherwise, the more hesitation, the less inspiration." -Elder Neil A Maxwell

Perhaps you're smarter than me and are rolling your eyes, because you knew this. Or maybe, you're like me and you need a good spiritual tune up or as I like to put it, SMACK IN THE FACE! But also, it's not so much of service, but developing charity. 

At family home evening tonight, we talked about charity and why it is so necessary. Can you imagine stepping into the Savior's shoes and experiencing that immense love and compassion for literally everyone? Can you imagine how different our world would be, if we all made more of an effort to not only serve, but to have Christ-like love? It's human nature to have a sense of belonging. And how great would it be, if that sense of belonging came from outstretched arms filled with Christ-like love and compassion?

So if you're drowning in your own world, I dare you to step out of yourself. Look around you and honestly ask yourself:

Have I done any good in the world today?

Have I helped anyone in need?

Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?

If not, I have failed indeed.

Has anyone's burden been lighter today

Because I was willing to share?

Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?

When they needed my help was I there?

Then wake up and do something more

Than dream of your mansion above.

Doing good is a pleasure, a joy beyond measure,

A blessing of duty and love.

[source here]

The time to change is now.

Refresh, refresh, refresh

I kept hitting the 'refresh' button every few minutes. I wanted to beat all the other girls who were looking for housing. I was told through a Priesthood blessing that looking for housing would be a trial, but at the time, it didn't seem like a trial. I'm sure God chuckled said, "Just wait." BAM. I hit a rough patch.

At first, I still had my confidence and trusted that I would find a place before I was supposed to move out. God asked me to sell my contract and move. My contract sold quickly. The check out date was set and all I needed to do was find a place. Each place I came across looked good, but I still wasn't feeling settled, so I kept searching. And searching. And searching. I got blessings and was reassured that God would reveal where He wanted me to be, but that I had to continue with faith. I held on tight to that. Surely He would have a place ready at the last second. He's a God of miracles for cryin' out loud!

Nothing.

I moved back home, discouraged. WHY?! I DID EVERYTHING YOU ASKED ME TO. I've had a lot of time to think and to continue searching. Craigslist has been a tab on my internet that I have been refreshing all day. It's been exhausting. 

Alright Heavenly Father. What am I supposed to learn from this? Patience, trust, faith ya-de-ah-de-ah-da...

As I sat there on the computer, cooped up on the couch, segments of lyrics came to my mind, that caused me to kneel before the Lord and ask for forgiveness.

Be still my soul, The Lord is on thy side

With patience bear, thy cross of grief or pain;

Leave to the thy God to order and provide.

In every change, He faithful will remain.

Be still my soul, thy God doth undertake;

to guide the future as he has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;

all now mysterious shall be bright at last.

[Source]

Aren't those lyrics soothing? I had lost my confidence and hope in Him. After that humbling experience, those were restored. God will always provide for each one of us. He has proven that to us time and time again. If you really think about it, how many times has He provided for you? It may not be in your timing, but always in His. Let's be honest, His timing was always perfect anyways!

Raw Emotion

I think one of the best human experiences we have here in this life is to feel pure, raw emotion. We aren't robots, but actual living humans who get to feel. We get to experience emotions from all sides of the spectrum. I am grateful for this, because I learn best through experiences and feelings. Without them, I wouldn't learn anything. There would be no growth.

I think that raw emotion is sacred. It's a beautiful part of the human experience. It's necessary for us to experience in order for us to become like God and our Savior, Jesus Christ. They understand fully how we each feel at every second of the day. They too have experienced what we experience.

It can be easy to hold in those feelings. To bottle them up and put them on the shelf. But we weren't asked to do that. We were asked to feel those emotions and to learn and grow.

I have learned and grown from my own emotions. Especially through tears, whether it be tears of joy or hurt. It's not easy nor comfortable to feel anger or pain. Heavens, I can't even begin to tell you my personal hell and all the pain that has accompanied it. But the gospel isn't about being comfortable, because there would be no growth. We must experience these emotions, so that we can progress and help those along the way.

I love "heart to heart" moments. They are tender and sacred. Being able to listen to someone share their feelings with me is such a privilege. I'm able to more fully understand and love that person on a whole new level. It builds an unwavering connection. I don't like being vulnerable and open. I'm good at being numb to my emotions and closed door. But then I remember that we were all sent here to become like God and Jesus Christ. And if being vulnerable and open will help me move forward or if there is someone who could learn from my experience then I'll do it.

On the other side, there is pure, raw emotion that is so sacred that you can't bear to share. And if you're me, you'll save those emotions to Him. I love those moments when I can open up my whole heart to the Lord and tell Him everything. And sometimes I can't explain it, so I just cry and know that He knows what I'm trying to say and what I feel.

Don't dismiss your emotions. They're important and beautiful. God blessed us with feelings, because He knows that they are good for us and for us to become like Him.

(Normally I try to end with something clever or sweet, but then a commercial played on Spotify and killed my groove.)

Love Letters

"I can't even express to you this bursting feeling of peace that washed over me. It was so sweet. All the questions I've been asking were beginning to be answered. My darling, God has a plan for us. I mean, we both know that, but things are starting to fall in place. I have a better perspective than I did before. Can I tell you one of the hardest aches I've ever felt, finally, FINALLY, melted away? One that I thought was impossible for me to overcome? Well it did! That heavy-achy heart, and countless tears are finally no more! I am grateful that He finally put this heart at ease. I am also grateful that I allowed and trusted Him to put this heart at ease. I can breathe now and it feels so good! This new path I've set myself on (or rather the Lord has set me on) is exciting. I feel so at peace with everything. I'm ready for this new chapter, but boy do I have so much to learn! You and I, sir, have so much to learn. Let's keep pushing forward, okay?" [December 2014]

Where have I been? I feel like I've been a let down to this poor blog of mine. I've been through some crazy excitements during this roller-coaster life of mine.That however hasn't stopped me from writing. I've written several posts during my absence and will be up and running! I've learned so much in the past few months and have any thoughts to share with you. But for now, I must update you. I moved. Said goodbye to old friends and am ready to say hello to new friends. Things have changed. The Lord is taking me on this crazy adventure or rather He is realigning me to where He wants me to be. I guess that's okay. My faith in Him has increased immensely. It's been a long road, but a great one nonetheless! Here's to 2015 and all that lies in store for me.