Don't Commit to Failure

Don't commit to your mistake.

These five words have been ringing in my head the last couple days. I've felt like I've been screwing up left and right! And I get really bogged down about that. It's probably due to the "perfectionist" in me, but also, I just don't like making mistakes. I hate messing up. 

Don't commit to your mistake(s). Keep moving forward. Keep trying. You're not a failure, so don't commit yourself to that. 

It's not the worst.

He is First

Personal Credence: I firmly (and I mean firmly) believe that God should be first in your life.

I'd say that my relationship with God has strengthened in the past five years. I remember the first time I sincerely went to the Lord via prayer. I was sitting in my car after an upsetting conversation with my mom. I felt lost. My best friend at the time had left for her mission. She and I had pretty much been inseparable, so you can imagine that separation anxiety was a real thing. I felt out of place in my family. I felt empty and worthless. So I prayed cried sobbed out loud to God the one thing I could muster:

Please help me.

Growing up, I knew there was a God, but it was until this moment that I experienced His reality so deeply. I felt peace come over me. I knew He was aware of me. Since then and through a journey of (mostly) trials, I have come to rely so deeply on my God. He is first and will always be first in my life. In the darkest moments, I have held on to only Him. I've felt lonely, but have always known that I was never alone. He promised me that I would never be alone and He has kept that promise.

This year in particular has been a whirlwind of both good and trying times. Gosh, the beginning of the year was just so awful! I've hit some low points, but this years low point was just- well you know, awful! I was angry at my situation, but NEVER was I ever angry with God. I couldn't be mad at Him. To this day, I can't ever be mad at Him. Knowing God, I just can't bring myself to be angry with Him. Really, all I could do was pray and let the chips fall where they may.

Here I am in October 2016 and we have been closer now more than we ever have been. The other day, I realized the true strength of our relationship through one of the most sacred Priesthood blessings I've ever had. In the past six months, I have stayed awake through the night to converse with Him. Funny to think that the dark, quiet night is the time I feel so much light and love. I have been pouring out my raw heart to Him and He listens to me. Personal revelation has been flowing more than it ever has. I'm slowly learning how our communication works and let me tell you, it's working beautifully!

He's my God. I am His and He is mine. Words could never eloquently express my deep love for Him. I know He knows me so deeply and intimately. I want to know Him so deeply and intimately too. We're working on it together. He knows me better than I know myself. He sees me as the divine Queen that I am and reminds me of my divinity all the time. He's my Father. My Father. He makes up the difference where others lack. He listens to my endless rants, frustrations, cries- whatever! He wants me to talk to Him. No judgement. Just love.

There's absolutely no way that I could (would) ever deny Him. He is real. He is very real to me and I feel His love for me every single day! Not a day goes by that I don't see His hand in my life. I've been praising Him more each day. I've been expressing my gratitude to Him more each day. I've been asking Him for forgiveness and strength to be better more each day. I rely so heavily on Him. And it's so easy for me, because I love Him!

When He calls, I always come. Is it easy? Not always. Sometimes I'm hesitant. But I always come to Him, because I love Him. I love Him more than anything and anyone. I love Him more than I love myself. My desire to do His will has only been growing. It's not easy. But He's worth it, so I trust Him. His love is fulfilling and the light that it brings into my life is everything I need.

He is First. He is always first.

Little Miracles

I lost my apartment key yesterday. I spent several hours searching for this key. I tore apart my room and put it back together. It was so organized and clean that there was literally no way that it could be in my room. However, I had this feeling that everything would be okay and I would find that key. I didn't know when they key would be found, but I knew that it would be. I prayed to the Lord with gratitude for this opportunity to exercise my faith in Him. I let Him know that I accepted the fact that it was gone and that I might not find it. When it came to leave my apartment, I found a way to lock the door using a plastic bag. I felt discouraged that I couldn't find the key, but I still had faith in God.

You probably already figured out the rest of the story, so I'll just say that the key magically appeared on the floor at work. It must have been attached to part of my costume that I wasn't wearing. The funny thing is, I had looked at my costume over and over to know for sure that there was no key attached to it. But there the key was. Right there on the floor.

I know that God was testing me. I'm so grateful that He did, because it gave me the opportunity to really see where my faith was. I chose to put my faith and trust in Him. I kept letting Him know that if it be His will, the key would show up. Yes, I felt discouraged, but I still knew and felt strongly that God would provide and He did.

I love my God. I praise Him for His goodness and mercy towards me over something so small. It's these little moments that have built my relationship with Him to be so strong. He's the first source that I always go to.  I just love Him. He is always first and I know that He looks out for me.

All good things!

Freewrite: Feelings

I was in a terribly bad mood late last night and I had absolutely no desire to talk to God about it. I mean, I obviously attempted, but nothing was coming. Between the hours of 3:00-4:00 AM, has been the best time for God and I to talk. I'd say it happens probably once a week or so when I pour my heart out to him. I was too exhausted last night and told God that if He woke me up during our usual hour, I would talk to Him.

So He did just that.

3:17 was the time that I was woken up and I reluctantly sat up. I talked out loud, because really, who's going to hear me at that hour? The more I talked, the more confused I became. It didn't help that I wasn't in the mood to talk. The problem with feeling 'meh' is that I can't figure out how I truly feel. It' makes it hard for me to navigate the root of the problem. When I finished talking, I ended it with the most sincere prayer that I could muster. My head hit that pillow and I was out.

I've been feeling a lot lately. Mixed emotions about a lot of different aspects of my life and I feel like I am drowning. Like last night. Drowning in my own emotions until numbness comes. It's dangerous.

Triggers. Sometimes I will feel triggered by something and that causes a lot of confusion. Underneath that confusion is a thick, gooey layer of pain. A mess that I don't want to trudge through.

Fear of abandonment. 

No reciprocation. 

Needs not met

Self conscious

Trust broken

Abuse

Self sabotage

Just a few things that were triggered. Some more than others. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate how I feel. I hate how I perceive myself and others. I hate how tired I feel, because it's so mentally and emotional taxing.

And back to that gooey layer. It's a thick black mixture. Bittersweet to the taste.  Its sticky, grainy texture clings to you. It coats you well, because even if you try to wipe it off, it gets everywhere. (This makes me think of Candyland.)

So I'm pulling things apart. I can't live this way. I need to deal with this layer of pain. I'm writing my feelings out on napkins, ripped corners of paper, post it notes- anything! Praying and scripture study has become harder, but I force myself. I believe that God recognizes my efforts even though they seem so insignificant.

And even with all of this, I still firmly say, it's not the worst.

Five Years

We each were feeling the sting of being heart broken. We were young. Early twenties. Very different, but vibrant women. We gathered in the cold, dimly lit parking garage,  huddled over the grate, each clinging to a picture. One by one we each held our photo and said our goodbyes. We burned those pictures to symbolize our letting go. Ice cream and Taylor Swift's "Picture To Burn" was the celebration of our new found freedom.

Fast forward five years. 

I look back and think how dramatic and unnecessary that was. (Although proud we never got caught.) In the moment though, it felt real. I was so young and naive. I had no idea then what I would soon go up against. No more burning pictures. No Taylor Swift to sing my feelings. No ice cream to soothe the pain.

I release my pain differently. I'm a little wiser now. I'm closer to my God and Savior, Jesus Christ. I cry a lot more. Sometimes I eat my feelings, but most times I forget to eat. Who knows what I'll change in the next five years. But for now, this is my reality and how I deal. 

It's not the worst.

Love Thyself

I'm learning and re-learning and re-learning self-love and confidence. I've been feeling so very out of place lately. I wrote about last week how I had a day from h-e-double hockey sticks. It wasn't the worst day, just a day that I'd really like to not think about ever. again.

I truly believe that the way you think about yourself will affect how you act and what your doing. Realizing that I feel self-conscious and stupid at work is really coming out. This is a huge part of why I'm trying to change the way that I think of myself.

I have been doing everything from prayer to meditation to essential oils. Daily affirmations are happening. Daily pep talks. Daily prayers. I'm writing out my feelings in my journal and getting it all out of my system. I'm trying to strengthen my relationship with my Savior, because He truly gets it. God and I have been chattin' it up and He gets an earful of everything.

 Things will work. I am smart. I am human. I can do hard things. God didn't send me here to fail. It's not the worst. All good things.

Surfaced feelings...

Sometimes repressed feelings surface.

 Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my control. 

Sometimes I close my eyes and feel.

Sometimes I cry.

Sometimes I let it run its course.

I always make it through.

Life comes back.

I'm in control.

Everything is good.

It's not the worst.

All good things.

Plain & Precious Truths #4

"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions." Mosiah 24:14 

This scripture is one of sweet, sweet comfort. I feel like this year has been one of many trials. It seems like when one problem is solved, two more pop up. God has pulled me though each trial one by one. All of this so that I may stand as a witness and testify of God and His goodness. This scripture really puts that into perspective.

Read part 3 here: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/05/plain-and-precious-truths-3.html

NOTE: No blog tomorrow, because Sunday will be my special post all about my Dad! You know, since it's Father's Day...

Moment of Honesty: Stressed and Lonely

I had one of those days where work and my brain just weren't friends. I felt like I was asking stupid questions. I was tired. My stomach was growling, my head was throbbing, and I just wished I was home. We all have these kinds of days. We're all human. I've just felt very--blah, lately. I feel stressed and stuck and confused and frustrated. I keep telling myself that I just need to make it to June and the majority of my stress will go away. I'm trying to stay focused. It's like I have all of the things that I need to figure out and then there's God on the sidelines waving His arms telling me to follow Him.

Wait. Why is God on the sidelines? He shouldn't be. He should be right next to me. And Jesus on the other side and all my friends and family in front and back of me. And really, that's where the all are. 

So why do I feel empty and alone?

Here is part one of the series: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2015/11/moment-of-honesty-self-sabotage.html

A moment of stillness

Yesterday after church, I laid very still in bed. I prayed to the Lord for a while. Hashing and re-hashing everything has been something I've been doing a lot lately. I could feel my heart beating. It felt heavy, but this time it felt like a different heavy. I'm not sad about anything. I am stressed, but I'm still alive and pushing through. I laid there for a while just taking deep breaths and talking to the Lord laying very very still.

I know the Lord is preparing me for greater things. I know this, because it's not just a feeling. It's literally the amount of trials I've had in the last two and a half months. Hard trials followed by sweet blessings. This month is one of those moments when I don't even know where I'm going to be by the end of the month. I still need to find housing. I'm still working at my new job. I still have obligations and responsibilities that need to be met. I've applied for second job that is right next door to the job I work at currently. So many things are up in the air right now. But I'm still being pushed to follow the Lord and do His will. And with all of this, I need the atonement of Jesus Christ now more than ever. 

All good things. This too shall pass. Come what may and love it. It's not the worst.

HAPPY 41ST ANNIVERSARY MOM & DAD

Tender Mercies

I'm learning--Boy, am I learning! This trial was really kicking my butt, however, I've been becoming stronger, so that I can get through it. God has sent me many tender mercies that I am really starting to notice. God really is merciful! It's like a stream of light cutting through the darkness. I'm going to make it through. Happy Thursday!

Purpose through My ministry

When Jesus Christ came to this earth, He had a purpose and fulfilled it through His ministry. That got me thinking about my purpose. I believe that all of us have a purpose to fill in this life. Of course I have a lot to learn and shoes to fill, but with God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, I believe that I'll be able to fill those shoes.

There have been changes in my life recently that have helped me take a step back and really look at myself. Who do I think I am? What do I want to do? Where do I see myself in five years? I've been realizing (especially through job rejection) that I am looking in all the wrong places. God is trying to help me understand His will for me. And I haven't a clue what that is. That's okay though. I'll get there.

I began thinking about Christ and His ministry. And that got me thinking about my personal ministry. So I started to study and immediately turned to the Bible Dictionary.

Ministry. The work of the ministry is to do the work of the Lord on the earth- to represent the Lord among the people, preach the gospel, and administer the ordinances thereof. ...Therefore what he does "according to the will of the Lord is the Lord's business."

 So then I got to thinking that my ministry was really HIS ministry. I've received several blessings that have told me about my mission in my life. That I would be a great influence in bringing others unto Christ. And I've always thought that was cool, but I would just brush it off. It would happen when it happens. It wasn't until recently that I realized that it would only happen, if I kept myself worthy to fulfill that mission.

That mission has become my ministry. And I'm not perfect nor do I feel close to being able to do any of that. So I've been turning a lot to prayer. In the heat of this trial, there's no where else I should be than in the scriptures and on my knees praying to my God for help.

All of this has helped me put a purpose to my trials and pain. A defining (and refining) purpose to help me fulfill my ministry here. Whether that's being a better friend, becoming a wife/mother- whatever. The joy of the gospel of Jesus Christ is priceless and everyone should have it! And God, everyone should know that God lives and that He and Jesus Christ love us so much.

I still have a lot ahead of me. So here I begin again, but this time with a more focused purpose to my ministry. I have a lot of refining to do. A lot of "what lack I yet" and humility. I have a lot to take to the altar of sacrifice and willing let go to follow what He wants me to do. But I believe that it's all possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

I love God. I love Him so much. And I recognize more and more that I want to live with Him again. Eternity without God just wouldn't be eternity. So here I am again, turning to Him with the Saviors hand in mine. I want leave this life feeling satisfied and fulfilled knowing that I had done His work and fulfilled my ministry. A life spent in the Lord's work may not be the easiest, but if I trust God, than I know for surety that it will be worth it.

Safe & Secure

Personal Credence: I firmly believe that following my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ will keep me safe and secure throughout all season of my life.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ (AKA Mormon Church) has sustained me through some of the hardest trials in my life. There's something about it that offers safety and security for my soul. For example, the little things you are asked to do, such as scripture study, prayer, paying tithing etc. offers a sense of security, especially during hard times.

I've been learning this AGAIN. The trials that I am facing have caused me to want to jump ship! But I haven't. I keep holding on. I choose to stay in the boat, because I know that God is at the helm. God knows me. God understands my situation and I know and trust that He is ironing out the path for me. So I cling to my scripture study. I cling to my covenants. And it sustains me through each day. God sustains me through each day. The atonement of Jesus Christ sustains me through each day.

Stay in the boat! Don't jump ship. Let God show you what He can do. Trust Him, because He wants to help you. He will help you. Jesus Christ knows you! He loves you an He will help you. Don't forget that He too as walked your path. He has felt your pain. He has felt your confusion. He also has felt your joy and He knows the joy you will have, so long as you keep yourself worthy.

Happy Friday/Weekend, my dear friends! And for those in Utah, don't forget the Provo City Center Temple Dedication THIS Sunday! May God continue to bless and watch over you, my dear friends!

To read the last Personal Credence post, read here: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2015/11/silent-conviction.html

To learn more about what sustains me, check out this link here: https://www.mormon.org/

For more information about the Provo City Center Temple, click here: https://www.lds.org/church/events/provo-city-center-temple-open-house-and-dedication?lang=eng

To read Elder M. Russell Ballard's Talks about staying in the boat, read here:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/10/stay-in-the-boat-and-hold-on?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/10/god-is-at-the-helm?lang=eng

Bruised

Each time that volleyball hit my hands, I just knew that some good bruises were coming. Then when I couldn't touch my hands yesterday because they hurt, I knew that some good bruises were formed. I can see them now. A nice purple color. I'm proud of them. That volleyball game was worth my bruises in gold.

Later that night after the game, I received a blessing that [at the time] felt very troubling. Bruises were coming and I need to gear up for them. But you see, these bruises are different. These bruises are heartaches to come. I would rather experience high intense physical pain, than deal with a heartache. I experienced intense heartache recently and I have healed from it. I don't want to go through that one again. No sir, I'll pass. 

If only...

I laid awake for some time last night. Silent tears falling on my pillow and one of the most sincere prayers in my heart. I expressed blubbered my feelings to the Lord, in hopes that He would change His mind. The sweetest words came to my mind and I felt peace wash over me. Dear friends, God is good!

 

Fear not, I am with Thee.

Oh be not dismayed,

For I am Thy God

And will still give Thee aid.

Deeply Ingrained

There is a "tugging" feeling that I feel quite often. It tugs my heart when I feel doubt, pain, or confusion. My heart knows the truth, but oft times my mind struggles. My heart gently tugs my mind back to the truth. Even through the deepest pain, my heart knows the truth. My heart has ingrained the gospel of Jesus Christ as it's energy source. My heart has saved my life many times, because of this energy source. That energy source is always replenished as I continue to live my life through obedience. It's replenished through heart-felt prayer. It's replenished through a loving God and Savior, Jesus Christ. What started out as sliver of faith, made a remarkable and sustainable difference. It flows through my body and when it reaches my broken mind, it soothes and heals. It reminds my mind the purpose of my life here. It reminds me of the joy that I have tasted, because of my firm testimony of the gospel. Peace is restored, testimony is strengthened, and my heart and mind are one yet again. I believe I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true. It brings true purpose and joy in a world that seeks to dictate what purpose and joy should be. It heals and soothes the deepest cuts. It provides a fortifying love and faith, that you cannot find elsewhere. So when that "tugging" feeling comes, I embrace it. To me, it's a sweet reminder from God letting me know He loves me and is still there. That means the world to me. And you know what? I know that God and Jesus Christ love you. That's something to smile about. Happy Friday!

Storm On

I sat there tap-tap-tapping away. I don't always tune into their conversations, but this time I did. Hearts breaking as they mourn the breakup of two dear friends. Somehow it had hit a few chords with me. I ached for them. Two people I don't know. I've been there and back again. I've experienced those anguished, heart wrenching emotions. I've experienced the anger and confusion. And oh the ache that burns in your heart to the point where breathing is uncomfortable.

I wish I could tell them it would all work out; be that optimistic person to shine a bit of light into their storm. But I couldn't. All I could do was hurt alongside with them and pray for their well being. They'll come out strong; God is in control. 

You've got to let the storm rage on however many it may take and for however long. Rain does have its negative effects, but I've learned that it's quite lovely. You can be pelted by the rain and feel the sting, but then you can watch it wash away the dirt. It will cleanse and heal. There will be days when the rain will subside. The smog and pollution will be gone and you'll feel the warmth and joy of a clean, clear day. Then it will start to rain and you'll be a bit stronger to take on the next storm.

So for you who are experiencing your own aches. It's ok. You can hurt. Let the storm run its natural course. It's these times that we are able to experience a very human part of life. 

Storm on, so you can shine on!

"Every storm runs, runs outta rain,

just like every dark night, turns into day.

Every heartache will fade away,

just like every storm runs, runs outta rain."

Love Letters

"I can't even express to you this bursting feeling of peace that washed over me. It was so sweet. All the questions I've been asking were beginning to be answered. My darling, God has a plan for us. I mean, we both know that, but things are starting to fall in place. I have a better perspective than I did before. Can I tell you one of the hardest aches I've ever felt, finally, FINALLY, melted away? One that I thought was impossible for me to overcome? Well it did! That heavy-achy heart, and countless tears are finally no more! I am grateful that He finally put this heart at ease. I am also grateful that I allowed and trusted Him to put this heart at ease. I can breathe now and it feels so good! This new path I've set myself on (or rather the Lord has set me on) is exciting. I feel so at peace with everything. I'm ready for this new chapter, but boy do I have so much to learn! You and I, sir, have so much to learn. Let's keep pushing forward, okay?" [December 2014]