Fear to Faith

Yesterday, I woke up to my business Instagram deleted. I silently stewed over it all day until my anxiety hit hardcore last night. I stress ate, was pacing the room... Luckily I have good friends who helped me out. I unleashed the crazy, stressed out Marlisa at Walmart, but somehow made it out alive, because my friends kept me sane. Whew! Life hack: Get good friends.

So anyways, while dealing with my Instagram fiasco, I've been freaking out, because I am headed to Zion's National Park for camping and hiking. This week will be the hottest. Averaging at a nice 110 degrees. In fact, there is an "Excessive Heat Warning" so you know, it's a good week to hike with limited water sources. I'm not feeling to hot about all of this. I'm nervous that I'll get dehydrated and sick. If you know me, then you know that I hate headaches/migraines. They are no bueno. I literally would rather suffer through other things then those. Fear. I seemed to be drowning in fear.

This morning, I got up bright and early and went for a walk. I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and excitement. Things were going to work out. I just needed to remind myself that I am a daughter of God who deeply loves me. He looks out for me. I don't have to drown in fear. I can be faithful and believe in God. I have my angels whom I call upon each day to assist me on my mortal journey. Today I brave the heat with my friends and enjoy my mini getaway. I have always loved southern Utah and it holds a special place in my heart. I will immerse myself in the beauty of God's creation, disconnected from the world. I will be deeply connected to my God, my Savior, my angels, and my friends. I am allowing peace, love, and faith fill me up.

It's not the worst.

Healed Through Faith

I love the story of the woman who deeply desired healing and had the faith in Christ that if she simply touched His robes, she would be healed. After 12 years of battling this pain, she was immediately healed. I want to hug her in the next life, because her faith changed me. She desired it with her whole heart and put her faith in Christ and she experienced a miracle. I love the words that Christ says to her.

Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace

I am constantly reminding myself of this Godly woman, because I want to strengthen my faith in Christ. I want to come so close to Him, that any doubt that I experience will be quickly diminished, because I know Him and trust Him. I am loving Him more and more. I am trying my best to exercise faith in His healing power and I am feeling it. My heart is changing. My thoughts are changing. I am thinking higher thoughts and I am feeling joy and love. I desire wholeness!

If my only calling in this life is to invite others to come unto Christ, then I wholeheartedly accept! I want everyone to know Him, because He is everything to me. He's not just my advocate to the Father, but He is my friend and older brother who deeply knows and loves me. He has walked my path and He knows how to help me in the way I need. I just love Him! He knows my heart. He knows that I am trying and that I desire to be like Him.

I just love Him.

Piece of MY Heart

I'm learning to give a little bit of my heart away. I'm focusing on the strengths of others and choosing to see their higher self. I'm complimenting others and letting them know how great they are and how loved they are. I don't hold back and I don't worry about my heart running out. I am whole and there is always enough love to be given out. It never runs out.

To you reading this, here's my message to you: YOU are divinely good. YOU  are strong and loved far beyond your comprehension. YOU are of divine worth, because YOU are a son/daughter of God. He deeply loves YOU and oh how I wish YOU could fully taste His love. He supports YOU and blesses YOU, because He loves you. I believe that God has a plan for only YOU. YOU can do hard things. YOU can change. YOU radiate the light of Christ, even when you may feel like you don't. I love YOU.

Divine Glow

There was a time when I did not feel worthy to enter His house. It felt like the light that I once had just didn't glow anymore. So I nurtured my spirit and focused on wholeness. The light within me began to glow more each day as I recited the mantra: I radiate the light of Christ!

I imagined this light surging through me and I began to truly believe that I radiated this light. In the midst of darkness, I radiated light. Much like this picture I took on Valentine's Day. I radiate the light of Christ! I exude this light in a world filled with darkness. It fulfills my soul and fills me with light and joy.

Fresh Love & Devotion

Recently I felt that a chapter in my life was ending and I needed to do all that I could to wrap it up. God urged to me to do some hard things. I became very vulnerable in so many aspects of my life. Some were easy, others were hard, but I did it. As this chapter ended and a new one began, I felt a shift in focus. My heart was focused on God and Jesus Christ. My desire to heal and to align my will with God's became my priority. I felt a fresh love for myself, God, Christ, and those I deeply loved. I felt a joy that seemed to consume my heart. I constantly repeat the affirmations:

I am a daughter of God. 

I radiate the Light of Christ. 

I am beautiful. 

I am brilliant. 

I am loved.

I am happy!

Each time I recite these truths, I feel my spirit come alive and drink it all up. I feel these truths imprinted on my heart. I feel myself radiating light and have others have pointed this out not even knowing what I've been doing. Tapping into my higher self has helped me see myself as a beautiful, woman of God. It has also opened my spiritual eyes and see others as their higher self. I can sense just a taste of how much God loves His children. 

I'm all in. This fresh love and devotion to my God has opened up this new chapter so beautifully. I am becoming.

Love Letters #15

"Today's #LIGHTtheWORLD is about showing compassion and it got me thinking about raw emotion. Something that I've become more familiar with as I go through this life. I think one of the most satisfying and fulfilling moments you can have with someone is showing love on a raw, emotional level. And while you may not fully understand how the other person feels, you feel with them as best as you can.

I was once talking with a friend about marriage and the type of man that I wanted to marry. I think my list has evolved from a long complicated and unrealistic list to a very short, simple one.

• A man who honors and respects his Priesthood.
• Sense of humor
• Kind, thoughtful, and caring
• Emotionally intelligent supportive

That last one doesn't mean anything big. I don't want a psychiatrist or counselor. It just means one who will show compassion during those times when others are having a very human moment. Often times, it's easy to feel uncomfortable during those moments when others are being vulnerable. I know, I've been there on both sides! Or there will be times when we just brush it off and tell someone it's going to be fine without really hearing them. I just want someone who will love deeply during those raw moments. I feel those moments and I don't need you to fix it. I just want you to love me through it and to show kindness and patience. 

That's how Jesus Christ is, especially during His life here. He comforted so many who suffered their own raw pain. He loved them through it. He does that with us now. His love and mercy is always there for us. Christ-like love encompasses compassion, mercy, love, and charity. It is the very healing balm that can soothe any weathered heart. 

I really want that for our marriage. I want to emulate Christ-like love to you. I may not perfectly understand everything, but that's fine. That's what Jesus Christ does. But I can love you through it. I can be patient with you and hold your hand. We weren't meant to be alone. We were meant to love and serve each other during all seasons of life. 

I'm not asking for perfection. I'm just asking for compassion."

Read last entry here: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/12/love-letters-14.html

Strength through The Book of Mormon

I woke up to bloodshot eyes, tired-achy bod, and fried brain early this morning. I feel like (and look like) I've gone through the ring a few times. But hey! I have 4 cans of Stephens Hot Cocoa in my cupboard and Christmas cheese ball in my fridge. It's the simple pleasures in life.

During the busiest time, I've had a lot of personal things come up and big decisions to be made. So the anxious part of me is just having a meltdown and the rest of me is pullin' it together. During the few quiet moments that I've had, I've pulled out my Book of Mormon. It's reminded me that I need to believe that God is aware of me and believe that my Savior understands exactly how I feel right now. And trust me, this is a constant reminder, because lately, I've felt doubtful. I've been doubting myself and doubting God's plan. I haven't been angry with God, because let's face it. That's near impossible for me. But I've been lacking the faith that once carried me. So in order for me to strengthen my faith, I've been reaching for my Book of Morn.

The Book of Mormon has become a blessing in my life. It's helped me pull through some hard times. It's a constant reminder that God lives and knows His Children. He will help anyone who calls on Him. This book is another testament of Jesus Christ. This is His church. He truly brings "good tidings of great joy" to those who embrace Him. I know that I've felt that. Faith and hope have been a consistent theme throughout this book. Those who have faith in their God and Savior, will always come out strong! 

I'm human. I struggle, but I have found ways to overcome those struggles. It's the gospel of Jesus Christ. It's literally brought "good tidings of great joy" into my life. 

Prayer - Day 8/Day13

I love this picture of Jesus Christ praying. One of my favorite things about the Savior, is that everything He did was in the Father's will. His love and devotion to God is so admirable. Throughout His life, He never forgot His God. He consistently thanked God through prayer like right before He raised Lazarus from the dead. He prayed when He visited the Americas. He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane just before He performed one of the greatest gifts to mankind. Not once did He ever forget His God. 

I love that example. I love His devotion to God. I love His constant need for God. That's how I am. I need my God. I need His guidance and His love. And gosh, God be thanked for His kindness and love towards me. The power of prayer was the start to my relationship with God and it's something that I cherish. I love night time, because it's the time when I converse with my God without being interrupted. I pour my heart to Him. The power of prayer really can grow you relationship with your God.

He is the Good Shepherd - Day 3/ Day 8

Let Him claim you.

I've been telling myself this over and over. Giving my whole heart to Him has been hard at times. Sometimes, I feel like I just want to go my own way. I know myself enough to survive. BUT with Jesus Christ, I not only survive, but I thrive. So right now, I'm working on letting go a little at a time and letting Him have me. He is the Good Shepherd. I love this picture, because it clearly shows His love towards the lost sheep. He will go out of His way to find you and hold you. He wants you. He wants to hold you and love you. 

It's not the worst. He'll prove that to you.

You're in Good Hands - Day 2/Day 7

When you feel discouraged during your mortal journey, remember that your Savior, Jesus Christ has walked your path. Everything will be okay. Take a deep breath and know that your Savior is holding your hand!

30 Days of Jesus Christ

In my attempt to strengthen my testimony on our Savior, Jesus Christ this Christmas season, I have decided to commit myself to 30 days focusing on Him. The next 30 days, I will be emulating His light through service and sharing my testimony along the way. And if you didn't know 30 days from now is Christmas, so it'll be a perfect ending. With today being day 1, I have chosen to  read The Book of Mormon. I couldn't think of a better beginning than, to start by reading another testament of Him.

My hope through doing this is that I will be able to share my light of Christ with those around me. And I believe an added bonus and one that I desperately needed, is a stronger foundation and testimony of Him. I love my Savior and am excited to share with you guys my journey. You can check out my Instagram page @missmarlirock for regular updates and I'll also be posting on here as well. 

Merry Christmas friends! 

30 Days

I've written about my struggle with depression and anxiety. Last week I could feel triggers of it and knew that I needed to fight it while I could. But gosh, sometimes it just really hits! I was lying in bed feeling tired and trying to fight the darkness that just wanted to take over. I received a phone notification indicating a new blog post my friend had posted and quickly went to read it. She talked about how she is reading The Book of Mormon in 30 days. It was like a light was turned on in my brain and I decided to do it.

Today marks day 5 of the challenge and I can personally testify that my battle with mental illness has been a breeze. Filling my heart and mind with goodness has been just the medicine to cure the ache inside. I'm learning more about myself, God, and Jesus Christ. The constant reminder of Gods goodness has kept me moving forward. The need for repentance has been a common theme so far and I am realizing just how much I need to continually be repenting. And while sometimes that can be overwhelming, I love that the call for repentance is always followed with a reminder of my Savior.

The goodness continues, stay tuned!

Free-write: Women's Conference

My spiritual canteen is already brimming and I have so many thoughts. A free-write if you will.

LDS General Conference has officially begun! Women's conference was absolutely stellar! I did my daily meditation beforehand, so that I could have a clear mind and heart. This conference is different for me because I actually have questions. It's so important for me to have my mind and heart in the right place, because I desire personal revelation.

It began with a bang! I only had one burning question for this session and Sister Jean B. Bingham answered that in the first two minutes! She spoke of using the light of the gospel to see others clearly. During my healing process (which you can read here and here.), it has been absolutely vital for me to see my higher self. Keeping my covenants and doing what I should be doing has been the solution. Because I've been doing this consistently, I have found that I haven't been shaming myself as often. I view myself differently. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to do my best. I prayed beforehand for ways to see others differently. What was the solution to that? Charity.

"And no one can assist in this work except he shall be humble and full of love, having faith, hope, and charity, being temperate in all things, whatsoever shall be entrusted to his care." -D&C 12:8

 Can you imagine how differently this world would be if we all had charity? It's the pure love of Christ! That's powerful! If we spoke more positively about each other and encouraged each other, I believe people would react differently. Life is hard. At the very least, we can share Christ-like love to each other. We all came here for the same purpose. It's not a race to the finish line.

Sister Bingham went on to talk about one of my very favorite things. Progression. The beauty and reality of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that anyone can improve. It's through the atonement of Jesus Christ that makes change possible. I love this truth so much, because it gives me hope. We're all trying to do our best in this life. And gosh! This life can just really suck sometimes! We're all humans having our own human experience. We struggle. We make mistakes. We're not perfect. BUT. We can consistently try to improve every single day, multiple times a day! I've personally found that God cares more that I'm sincerely trying to be better. There really can be sweetness during the bitterness of life! We were not sent here to fail! We have each other! We can embrace improvement in each other! We can love and support each other.. If we have charity, we're more kind, patient, humble, and seek the good in others. Sister Bingham encouraged us to commit to work together and to embrace the beauty in each other.

Sister Carole M. Stephens really hit it on the nail and talked about the healing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. She urged all of us to recommit ourselves to the Savior. No more hiding. No more covering our sins. No more feeling alone. Her call to repentance and commitment to God and our covenants, was so moving to me. She had such tenderness in her voice as she spoke of the atonement of Jesus Christ. She recited the sweet words that Jesus Christ spoke to the Americas:

"Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?" -3 Nephi 9:13

I've always loved this verse, because here's Jesus Christ extending an invitation for healing. And every time I read this verse, I can't help but feel the ache of His plea. He wants to heal us. He will meet us where we are and gently holds our hand through the chaos of life. You don't have to carry your burden alone. You don't have to suffer alone. You are not alone!

I've written before about how I am still finding my Savior here. The past few weeks, I've been able to find Him more. Cleansing my inner vessel can only be done properly if I turn to Him. I had to move past my selfish tendencies and cling to Him. I haven't felt lonely. In fact, I've felt the sweetness of His love. It's purifying. It's a driving force in the right direction.

Do you feel His love? Do you hear his plea to let Him heal you? My dear friends, I testify to you that your Savior, Jesus Christ wants you. He loves you. He's walked your path, felt your sweetest joys and bitter pain. The first few steps towards Him, may be hard, but I promise you that they will ultimately change your course. His love is fortifying and will strengthen you in the best way. Because of Him, you can change. You can become your higher and best self. He knows and sees the divinity within you. He will always help you. All you have to do is open the door.

My heart is literally bursting with joy as I think about the goodness of God! You know I love my God more than anything! He is my Father in Heaven and my relationship with Him means the world to me. This session of conference really hit home to me. I needed a reminder that God's perfect plan of happiness was prepared beforehand. All because of love. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf reminded me that I can't change God's will, but God will empower me to do His will. I can testify that is true, because I've personally seen this in my life recently. I've been doing hard things and making a lot of changes, because I am trusting the path he has set before me. My faith in Him has been strengthened each day as I continually choose to follow Him. Has it been easy? Absolutely not. However, my faith in His plan for me is what's keeping me going. He's never forsaken me.

Earlier this year, I went through a really hard trial. Because of my faith and love for my Heavenly Father, I was never mad at Him. I never blamed Him. I knew He had a plan for me. But gosh, it was hard! Looking back, I can clearly see how he prepared the way for me. I'm where He needs me to be. Honestly, I'm so happy where I am. I'm in a good place, because of Him.

Dear friends, I testify that your God knows and loves you. He sees you as the divine son or daughter of God that you are. You are His. Literally. He created you in His image. He created a beautiful plan of happiness all because He loves you and wants you for eternity! Like President Uchtdorf said, God will never force you to follow Him. He didn't do that in the pre-existence and He won't do that now. But He will always love you. He will always be there for you. He will always help you. You're worth it to Him. I can't really fathom the great magnitude of love He has for me, but I have felt His love and I can testify that it is so good. God is good, He is oh so good.

All good things. It's never the worst when you have God and Jesus Christ on your side! Just sayin'!

Five Years

We each were feeling the sting of being heart broken. We were young. Early twenties. Very different, but vibrant women. We gathered in the cold, dimly lit parking garage,  huddled over the grate, each clinging to a picture. One by one we each held our photo and said our goodbyes. We burned those pictures to symbolize our letting go. Ice cream and Taylor Swift's "Picture To Burn" was the celebration of our new found freedom.

Fast forward five years. 

I look back and think how dramatic and unnecessary that was. (Although proud we never got caught.) In the moment though, it felt real. I was so young and naive. I had no idea then what I would soon go up against. No more burning pictures. No Taylor Swift to sing my feelings. No ice cream to soothe the pain.

I release my pain differently. I'm a little wiser now. I'm closer to my God and Savior, Jesus Christ. I cry a lot more. Sometimes I eat my feelings, but most times I forget to eat. Who knows what I'll change in the next five years. But for now, this is my reality and how I deal. 

It's not the worst.

Wounds with Healing

"Arise and come forth unto me, that ye may thrust your hands into my side, and also that ye may feel the prints of the nails in my hands and in my feet, that ye may know that I am the God of Israel, and the God of the whole earth, and have been slain for the sins of the world."

"And it came to pass that the multitude went forth, and thrust their hands into his side, and did feel the prints of the nails in his hands and in his feet; and this they did do, going forth one by one until they had all gone forth, and did see with their eyes and did feel with their hands, and did know of a surety and did bear record, that it was he, of whom." - 3 Nephi 11:14-15

It's one thing to see something, but a completely different experience to feel it. In His glory, he willing exposed Himself in such a way that people could touch and feel His marks. Each mark symbolizing the greatest sacrifice of love. Everyone in the multitude got to witness Him in such a unique way. Going before Him and literally feeling those marks.

I tried to imagine this for myself. He freely opens Himself to me, beckoning me to feel those marks of love. Because I'm stubborn, I just look at them. His invitation never closes. He still beckons me over. So I take a few steps forward, then a few more until I am inches away. Like the multitude, He asks me to touch His wounds. I reach out tracing those marks ever so gently as a wave of emotion takes over me.There's no way anyone could ever feel those marks without feeling His love.

When I feel broken inside and those pieces are scattered on the ground, He comes. He comes and picks up those pieces with His wounded hands. Those parts of me that I fear will never be mended, He heals with His love. And it doesn't matter how many times I feel broken, He will always be there to heal me.

I'm still finding my Savior in different aspects of my life. He's still there and I guess that's all that matters. I'm still feeling and connecting with His wounds. Funny how I keep finding healing in those wounds.

Moment of Honesty: One Day

I keep telling myself to just take deep breaths. Politically, this country is drowning. I do not support either candidate. I'll leave it at that. But I keep taking deep breaths. I can put aside my own opinions and I can choose to love. Not because this world has become all #lovewins and #loveislove but because God loves. Jesus Christ loves. And whether you believe in religion or not, love is needed in this world. More and more it seems like hate has become more prevalent.

One day things will be very different. One day all the chaos of the world will settle. One day. I trust my God and His plan. He surely is at the helm. I see His hand in my life, even when I begin to feel frustrated with the world, especially this country.

This country is beautiful. It was built on a sure foundation. The more changes that have been made towards this foundation, the weaker it has become. I've been noticing this. But she is still beautiful. And she will still hold strong. She was built on God's foundation. She is beautiful.

I am grateful to be a citizen of a beautiful country. I am grateful for the freedom I have to worship my God as I so choose. I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ, because it is what I have built my sure foundation on. My God will provide and He always has and as He always will.

It's not the worst. All good things.

Read the last entry in this series: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/06/moment-of-honesty-burning-wood.html

P.S. TEAM USA IS KILLIN' AT THE OLYMPICS! Currently 26 medals total, 9 gold, 8 silver, and 9 bronze!

Finding My Savior

I struggle to find my Savior sometimes. I trust so fully in God that I think that is enough. Deep inside I know that I can't have one without the other. The two make an eternal pair that help me reach my eternal destiny. I try to hold on to the times where I have deeply felt His love.

The other day I was thinking about why I have such a tendency to brush Him aside. If I truly love my God and trust Him, then shouldn't I be able to fully trust my Savior? I've always heavily relied on my God to help, comfort, and provide for me. A part of me feels like if I begin to rely on Christ more, then I won't have a balanced relationship with Him and God. I know, that sounds ridiculous. Another part of me, maybe a bigger part, is that I feel unworthy of His love and mercy. (Satan is a jerk!)

I've made a goal to read the New Testament, because reading stories of Jesus and His life, seemed like the right idea. A story that has always been my favorite, is when Jesus comes to Mary and Martha as they feel deep sorrow for the loss of their brother Lazarus.

"Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.

 When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled,"

 And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see.

 Jesus wept.

 Then said the Jews, Behold how he loved him!" -John 11:32-36

 I love this raw emotion that it pained the Savior to purely see how Mary was feeling, but also that He too lost a dear friend. I best find my Savior when I too feel deep pain. It seems the older that I get, the harder the trials are and the deeper the pain has become. Through that heartache, I find Him. I imagine Him seeing me cry and He too crying with me as He did with Mary.

I'm not perfect. I'm human. But even He understands the human part of me and the joy that perfection will be if I hold true. I'll keep searching for Him daily. I'll keep trying to see His hand in my life each day.

I will always find Him, but even better, He never lost me. He has been with me the whole time. I just wasn't paying attention.

Very grateful for second, third, and millions of chances to try again and improve.

It's not the worst. All good things, my dears.

 

 

Exhausted

Breaking down barriers is something I've been working on. I build it up and burn it down. Lately the fire has burning and burning, but nothing was coming down. And when I finally gave up in frustration, a wave of emotion washed up and completely exposed my soul. I felt oddly relieved, because fighting has been exhausting.

I'm exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not. I'm tired of hiding myself. I'd normally be so focused on covering up my insecurities once they are exposed, but I just can't do it anymore.
.
I received a lot of personal revelation last week. It was beautiful and powerful. And then Satan came and kept whispering his little lies in my ear. I didn't appreciate that. The pressure was just beginning to be too much and I gave in. I crashed and burned.

Today I decided to go to the Temple. I felt exposed to the Lord, but I felt a peaceful feeling come over me as I sat there and pondered everything. I knew that God knew that I was exhausted. . I could feel my Savior, beckoning me to come unto Him. Surely in Christ there is rest for the soul. I need Him, especially now.

I'm too tired to fight. So I'll hold the Lords hand and let Him fight with me.

It's not the worst. All good things.

Plain and Precious Truths #5

"O how marvelous are the works of the Lord, and how long doth he suffer with his people." -Mosiah 8:20

These sweet words brought so much peace into my heart. We don't nor have we ever suffered alone. Even when we often feel that, we truly never were or are alone. I testify to you that your God and Savior, Jesus Christ know you. They love you. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, no one suffers alone. Ever. Christ knows you. He understands you. His love for you is priceless. "Oh sweet the joy." You are not alone, my dear friends. You are not alone.

Last entry: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/06/plain-precious-truths-4.html

Moment of Honesty: Stressed and Lonely

I had one of those days where work and my brain just weren't friends. I felt like I was asking stupid questions. I was tired. My stomach was growling, my head was throbbing, and I just wished I was home. We all have these kinds of days. We're all human. I've just felt very--blah, lately. I feel stressed and stuck and confused and frustrated. I keep telling myself that I just need to make it to June and the majority of my stress will go away. I'm trying to stay focused. It's like I have all of the things that I need to figure out and then there's God on the sidelines waving His arms telling me to follow Him.

Wait. Why is God on the sidelines? He shouldn't be. He should be right next to me. And Jesus on the other side and all my friends and family in front and back of me. And really, that's where the all are. 

So why do I feel empty and alone?

Here is part one of the series: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2015/11/moment-of-honesty-self-sabotage.html