Becoming (Part Seven)

Coming clean with myself has been one of the most empowering things I've ever done. Allowing myself to heal and cleansing myself off all the junk that has been holding me back. Consistent mediation, prayer, and scripture study has been my staple. I'm becoming a better woman. I'm spiritually empowered, emotionally stable,  and mentally healthy. I can feel warmth. I can see the goodness of God in the details of my life. It's a process and it's working. I'm becoming my best self. I'm becoming in touch with my higher self. I'm filling myself with good things and that has helped me stay focused. In order to fulfill God's will, I needed to cleanse my inner vessel. It's worth it. God's love and goodness flows through me more and more.

I'm becoming and it's beautiful. I am beautiful.

 [PC: Sadie Banks Photography]

Read last entry in this series: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/08/becoming-part-six.html

Love Letters #11

"I knew when I was ready that I would begin to feel a shift. I wasn't picturing a big wave of emotion, just a calmness. A nice push in the right direction and here I am. Cleansing my inner vessel day by day. Loving myself more and of course loving God more. Being more obedient to Him. All of this, because I love you. Praying for you that your heart and mind will be open to God. Pushing forward, even when doubt and past pain beg me to stop. The peace is so empowering. I'm ready to open my up my heart again. Regardless of what may come, I am ready to open it up. A little at a time, of course. This shift inside me gives me all the feels, but joy tops them all. I can breathe better."

Read last entry here: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/08/love-letters-10.html

Amen! Hallelujah!

This quote just gets me. Changes are coming. Some days I feel like I accomplished everything and then some. And other days, the idea of even getting out of bed is just way too real. Life happens. I take one day at a time, because I honestly have no idea how that particular day will go. But when change is happening, my emotions are all over the place. I'm human. This is life. This is change.

It's not the worst.

Last minute

Dear God,

You've really pushed me farther than I thought I could go. I only cried once. I struggled with breathing, but I made it. While the heaviness of this trial hurt, there were many moments when I felt a lighter load. I believe in you more than I did before. I'm on the right path, because it's your path. Thank you for delivering me at the last minute this morning. I'm ready to start this new life change! I love you, Lord!

Love,

Vibrant Life

I am worthy of a vibrant life.

I watched a video that really "pierced me to the core." It was about living your life. I'm really good at letting the days pass by. For a while there it seemed like the days were just mushed together. I'm a gal who lives a lot by fear. I'm a dreamer. Just a dreamer. Not a do-er. I don't like rejection. I don't like failure. I like to play it safe. I like my bed. I like to stay inside. I'm a home girl.

And every now and then I'll have spontaneous moments. But then the introvert in me has to recuperate for like 8 years. And I hate it. I hate that about myself. If you could only see the lists that I have made for years of things I want to do. You'd be like, "Girl, get yo' shiz together and live yo' life!" And then I would be sitting on the bathroom floor in tears telling you all my insecurities and excuses as to why I can't do them.

Here's the thing, it wasn't until this last trial of being unemployed that REALLY made me think of what I wanted to do. I wasn't doing what I wanted to do. It's my life. And while I am working on understanding my ministry, I also want to have life experiences. I want to have stories to share with my children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. I want to know and feel the joy of my journey.

So I took those lists and I made short-term and long-term goals. Then I carefully (and prayerfully) crafted a plan for those goals with the Lord. Because, Lord knows that I can't do those things alone. I've already proven to Him and myself that I can't. I'm not perfect. But change is very possible. I can change my life now. I want to die knowing that I did three things in my life:

1. Loved God
2. Shared the Gospel of Jesus Christ
3. Lived life to the fullest

Here's I go!

General Conference Part Two

I was really taken back by President Monson's talk. He talked about choices and urged us to choose the "harder right" than the "easier wrong". Perhaps fear is huge indicator when making choices, because of course we all want the easier path. But I believe taking the "harder right" path, no matter how treacherous that is, is worth more than we know.

Elder Uchtdorf hit the nail dead on when he said "There's no life so shattered that can't be rebuilt...God is fully aware of those who are lost." Each one of us can be rebuilt to be what God see's who we can be. Because of Jesus Christ, we all have the opportunity to change and become better over and over and over again!That's pretty neat! "It matters not how you became lost whether it's because of poor choices or of thongs out of your power." It takes one step to turn to God. Doesn't matter where you are or what you've been through, it just takes one step.

There were many other talks that I listened to and took notes, but honestly, I am still processing. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, "you get credit for trying" and I really liked that. Every little thing we do does not go unnoticed! God see's us! He knows us. "The Lord blesses those who want to improve." You weren't asked to be perfect right off the bat. No. That's not possible. But you can continuously become better and that's important.

President Monson's Talk: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/choices?lang=eng

Elder Uchtdorf's Talk: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/he-will-place-you-on-his-shoulders-and-carry-you-home?lang=eng

Elder Holland's Talk: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/tomorrow-the-lord-will-do-wonders-among-you?lang=eng

Once upon a time, I couldn't fall asleep, because my mind was set on going running at 6 AM in this morning. So I did. And I puked in the church parking lot. What a lovely start, right? You'd think I would have just turned around and walked home. Ha, no! I said a quick prayer that God would get me through the rest of my workout and He heard my prayer. I finished the workout without dying. I had a realization that I need to treat my body better. So I prayed for forgiveness and promised God that I would do better starting today. It's never too late to make changes. You can start again. And thanks to the atonement of Jesus Christ, I can try again and again. Bonus: I've gotten through half of my to-do list and it's almost 8:30 AM. It's a good Monday! Have a great day! Jesus loves you.

P.S. If you didn't have the chance to attend the Women's Conference last Saturday night, you can go here to watch it. It was wonderful! https://www.lds.org/general-conference?lang=eng

Acceptance

I've been studying and thinking and thinking and studying a lot about acceptance. I struggle with self-acceptance and it's always something that I am constantly working on. It's easier to accept other people, because there's that part of me that knows everyone struggles. And then there's that other part of me that would want to be accepted, so I treat others that way.

I've talked to you about Brene Brown and how she's amazing. I've also told you how it's hard for my mind to accept her words and to swallow down my pride when it comes to shame, self-worth, vulnerability etc. I have a past. Boy, do I have a past! And shame is like the un-welcomed uncle that just keeps showing up at your door. I'm human. I struggle. And I struggle with acceptance. And when the day is done and I get ready to go to bed, I look at my phone and see this quote:

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” -Brene Brown

Isn't that what everyone wants? To feel accepted, authentic, and wanted? But--isn't it more powerful when you can accept yourself? Because wouldn't that feeling dispel that need or want to be loved or accepted by others? Wouldn't that satisfy the innate need of belonging?

I don't know my friends. I'm still studying it and thinking about it and applying it. But I believe that Brene Brown is on to something! Happy Thursday, friends.

UCAP Conference

Public Service Announcement: Utah Coalition Against Pornography is hosting a one day conference THIS weekend. If you or someone you know struggles with pornography OR you want to learn more about the dangers/prevention's of pornography, CHECK THIS OUT!!! There will many keynote speakers such as Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.

For more information, go to  www.ucapconference.org. Prices go up on the 11th, so you'll want to register before Friday. There are discounts too, such as if you are 25 or younger, you can register for $5.00! That's a steal of a deal, my friends.

I love this foundation, because pornography is so destructive. I've seen it destroy the lives of many close to me. This is a great opportunity to learn how to heal from it, how to teach your kids about it, and so much more. While pornography is associated with a lot of shame, don't let that stop you from going or learning more about it. It's important to educate yourself and your loved ones about this "drug". There are many resources that you can turn to if you aren't able to attend this conference. I've listed some of them below. Happy Tuesday, everyone! 

Fight The New Drug: http://fightthenewdrug.org/

UCAP: https://ucapconference.org/

12 Step Addiction Recovery: https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/steps?lang=eng

Healing

I was in attendance at a Christ-Centered Healing & Meditation Conference a week ago. It was brain overload for me. I must say that the speakers are masters of their craft. Their knowledge and belief in healing was something that I struggled to understand. The first class I attended was about healing from trauma and abuse. I hesitated going because--well the title speaks for itself. I got there early and pulled out my Nancy Drew book and read. If I'm going to attend a healing conference, then you bet your bottom dollar that I will be bringing a Nancy Drew book for comfort! No excuses. No shame. 

Class started and I sat there uncomfortably towards the back. No, you can't make me move. I'm here and that's all that matters. And then she made us move forward, but I didn't budge, because there were some people behind me. She proceeded with telling us her story. I felt sorry for her and felt grateful that it wasn't me. Everyone in class was moved. You could just feel it. And see it. There were people who were moved to tears. I was not. I choked those tears down. But oh how my heart ached. And I was trying to convince myself that I was okay, because I had already dealt with all those feeling. Then the teachers gaze fell on me and she talked about the atonement of Jesus Christ and its healing power. And she stared at me and she talked. And I couldn't break the connection, no matter how hard I wanted to. Her words rang true. I could feel it all while I choked down those tears. I wasn't going to budge--not even for her. Not even if I knew how true her words were.

Class ended and I felt the strong hustle come over. I wanted to leave. I wanted to cry. I wanted to stay and learn. I wanted to pray. I didn't want to pray. I wanted to shout out in anger. My emotions were all over the place. I needed time to process. Of course, you couldn't tell. (Or maybe you could tell, because I was surrounded by Empaths and energy professionals.)  I kept my face emotionless and smiled as little as I could. I gave hugs to people who offered them--even that was hard, because I don't like touch. 

I survived the conference. It really was so good. Brain overload. I needed time to process everything. My brain couldn't do it. It was at battle with my emotions. The battle was like this:

You need to let your emotions speak.

No.

Emotional releasing is good. Triggers are good.

No.

Stop being stubborn.

Don't tell me what to do.

You know all of this is true. You know you can be healed.

I know. I just--I just can't. 

Stop being prideful and let go.

I will eventually.

You're probably thinking about how stubborn I am. And I am. But I can tell you that I am meditating. I am praising God more. I am praying more. I am being more grateful and thanking God for His kindness. I am doing what I was taught. I'm processing while I attempt something new. If there is anything I've learned is that God is still there and the atonement of Jesus Christ is still available to me whenever I need or want it. I'm learning. Slowly. And that's okay. It's not a race. What matters is that I'm learning. I'm healing. I'm coming closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I'm strengthening my relationship with God. It's all okay. I'm okay.

Changes

If you're a regular reader, you've probably noticed that the site as been down. But as you can see, the site is back up and the name has changed. I hated the name of the blog "Thoughts For Your Tea" for many reasons. I came up with that name on a whim and just decided to stick with it. But I just felt like it wasn't me. And after much thought (and prayer) and brainstorming, the new name "it's not the worst" was born. It's something that I've been telling myself for 25+ years, so why not use it as my blog name? I ditched the domain, because again, I didn't like it. And as for the layout, I wanted it to be clean, bright, and simple. So I cut back here and add somethings there and voila! This is what it is. Many of you have asked how to follow me and I'm here to tell you that Google+ is it, until I can figure out how to add a "follow me" tab that's not just the email one. So if you'll stick with me, I think this blog has more potential than it did before. It's not the worst.

Becoming (Part Four)

I believe that part of the becoming process is learning to move past shame. To be able to "own your story" as Brene Brown put it and move forward with your head held high. I'd say shame has been something that I've been really hating lately. If there's anything that Satan is really good at, it's shame. And while I prefer to ignore it and hide it under my bed, it always surfaces. It's hard. It's really hard. If you want to learn more about shame, I highly recommend you look into Brene Brown. Her book I Thought It Was Just Me was the book that got me into wanting to learn about shame. This book really hit home with me and it took me several months (yes, months!) to get through it. I couldn't just read it like a page turner. I had to read a little bit, process and internalize what I read, and make a personal connection to it. And sometimes doing just that took several days, even weeks.

Shame says that I am bad. And I honestly feel that way every single day, multiple times a day. I'm not saying this because I want your sympathy or pity. I'm sharing this with you, because everyone feels shame. It's part of the human experience. 

But we don't have to be defined by it! That's part of the becoming process. Working through our emotion and shame and coming out strong. Because regardless of what our story is, we are still worthy of love. The becoming process is knowing that you are good. You are strong and courageous. You are worthy of love. I like that. So much so, that I am working on it. It's not easy, but I know it's worth it, because I am worth. You are worth it. 

[Click here for more info]

Check out part three of this series here.

Money, Money, Money, Mo-ney...MONEY!

If you sang the title and thought of "The Apprentice" then I automatically think you're cool.

Finances have been on my mind lately and that is what this year is alllllll about! Getting. Out. Of. Debt. Thank you to family and friends who have helped me start this year off with a bang! And shout out to the one and only DAVE RAMSEY! If ever given the opportunity to shake his hand, I would easily jump on that! He has been such an inspiration and motivator for me and my family. I've been listening to his radio program and following him on social media. It's so comforting to know that there are other people out there who are taking care of their debt. I can't wait until the day when I can call Dave's radio program and yell "I'M DEBT FREE!"

Getting out of debt is something that has become so important to me. However, it requires a lot of commitment, energy, and sacrifice. Three things that...well yeah, I could do better in. I know it will be worth it, because living a debt-free life means that I am no longer tied down. It offers a lot of freedom.

I've been budgeting and living on a strict 'cash only'  basis. It's hard. So hard. But I know it will be worth it. I know that this is only temporary.

I'll be documenting my journey right here on this blog. If you'd like to share your experience, go ahead and shoot me an email or comment below. It's always so motivating to hear other peoples stories.

Here we go!

***If you are interested in learning more about becoming debt-free and/or want to learn more about Dave Ramsey, click here.

Moment of Honesty: Self-Sabotage

I have a habit of ruining good things for myself. I reach an unbelief that clouds my mind and hardens my heart. And so I ruin it. I see it as protecting myself from any potential pain. I've been cut enough to know better. I would rather disappoint myself than to have someone or something ruin it for me.

It's time to break this habit and experience life.

Love Letters #6

"I've bee thinking a lot about myself lately. Not in the selfish sense, but more so in the sense that I want to love myself. It's hard, because I know my flaws and I see my curves. I'm trying to be chain breaker, but breaking 25 years worth of self-loathing is hard. But I'm trying. I only take one day at a time, because that's all that I'm given. While I do want to be beautiful for you, I first want to be beautiful to me. I'm accepting myself as the imperfect human being that I am. I believe in change. I believe in God. I believe in using the atonement everyday. I'm not perfect at loving myself, but I can say that I'm more accepting of myself the more I work at it. I'm not changing for you. I'm changing for me. And I think that's a big part of love. To not only be better, but to consistently trying to be better. Being more accepting of myself helps me be more accepting of you and others. I love you."

***
Read here for the last love letter, you know, if that's your thing.

Becoming (Part Three)

I was sitting in a devotional tonight and Elder M Russell Ballard said the words "becoming and overcoming" and I couldn't get it out of my mind. Part of the becoming process also requires overcoming. Overcoming things in your life is change. The more we overcome, the more becoming we are. I like that.

Weak to Strong

Personal Credence # 2:

I think it's okay to be weak, because God always makes weak things strong.

***

I don't think weakness is bad. It's healthy to know and understand that we as human beings are imperfect. Imperfections can be meaningful learning moments. I don't think anyone should feel like being weak is a sign of failure. Everyone- EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING, can change. Weakness can be catalyst for change. It can make you better! Recognizing that you are imperfect, can be a beautiful revelation. It can push you to simply try again or try something different. Let your weaknesses bloom into something better. All the best people grow from their weaknesses. You were born to be great.

Now let's talk about God. I believe in God. I believe that God knows me so perfectly. I know He knows my imperfections. He knows my shortcomings. But oh how He loves me even with my imperfections. 

As a member of the Mormon faith, I recently had the opportunity to go through the Temple. It was that day that I realized that this perfect God wanted to be bound to His imperfect daughter. God has been a source of love and light in my life. I've had many moments when God has continued to bless me, even when I mess up. 

You see, I have had my share of trials. I am the type of person who makes lists of all her flaws. I used to look at my imperfections as a road block. I couldn't see how to get across them. I can't tell you how many times the "independent woman" inside of me, comes out and tries to get across that block or avoid it. When I started gaining a relationship with God, I slowly began to see how my imperfections weren't permanent road blocks. They were blocks that needed time to get through. 

Through the atonement of Jesus Christ and the help from a loving God, I have been able to cross some very hard road blocks. I've been able to change the way I think about myself and my imperfections. I've learned (and re-learned) that I can do hard things. God and Jesus Christ have been the best source of help. They aid me in every way they can and they re-ignite the fire of faith and hope in me. 

I'm not perfect. I will never perfect in this life. However, I am so grateful that I can try again and again and until I get make my weaknesses strong. God always makes weak things strong and it is up to us to turn to Him and Jesus Christ to become strong. 

It's okay to be weak. You can change. You can do hard things. You can cross the road blocks. Take your time. Changing weaknesses needs time. They will grow, if you try. God lives and so does His son, Jesus Christ and they will help you. You were born to be great. You were born to thrive. You can reach your full potential. You are a child of God and He loves you. He loves the imperfect you.

It's okay to be weak. It's okay!

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." -Ether 12:27

Time Change

I have a love/hate relationship with Daylight Savings. I love Daylight Savings in the fall. I hate Daylight Savings in the spring. (I guess it's technically still winter but whatev.) I hate that it throws of my schedule. This last time change was a wild ride. It hit during possibly the worst time of the month. And Sunday was fast Sunday for my ward, so no food or water to wake me up.

Shark week + Fast Sunday + Daylight Savings = H-E-Double Hockey Sticks. 

However, spiritually, I had what ended up being a very humbling experience. So let's the change the title now to:

TIME to CHANGE

In tears, I confided in my brother my dilemma. I sobbed. A lot. He later reminded me the wise counsel from Bryant S Hinckley:

FORGET YOURSELF and GO TO WORK!!!

The past couple of weeks, I have been so self-involved and closed door-ed that I have been blinded. I've been so worried about me. My life, my problems, my questions etc. It makes me wonder how many opportunities to serve I missed out on, because I was in my own little world. This really caused me to take a step back and repent. something. fierce.

I am here. Here to serve the Lord. I read a beautiful talk given by Elder Neil A. Maxwell called, "Willing to Submit" and it hit my heart! In my own life, I have found that the moments when I do my best to submit my will to the Lord, it usually always requires me to serve. DUH, MARLI! I know this, you know this-amen hallelujah! But you see, I forgot. Again. Because I am human. 

Cuz I'm only human...Thank you Christina Perri. But in all seriousness, I need to forget myself and the trials and drama that are going on and focus outward. 

"Spiritual submissiveness means, instead, community and communion as the mind and the heart become settled. We then spend much less time deciding, and much more time serving; otherwise, the more hesitation, the less inspiration." -Elder Neil A Maxwell

Perhaps you're smarter than me and are rolling your eyes, because you knew this. Or maybe, you're like me and you need a good spiritual tune up or as I like to put it, SMACK IN THE FACE! But also, it's not so much of service, but developing charity. 

At family home evening tonight, we talked about charity and why it is so necessary. Can you imagine stepping into the Savior's shoes and experiencing that immense love and compassion for literally everyone? Can you imagine how different our world would be, if we all made more of an effort to not only serve, but to have Christ-like love? It's human nature to have a sense of belonging. And how great would it be, if that sense of belonging came from outstretched arms filled with Christ-like love and compassion?

So if you're drowning in your own world, I dare you to step out of yourself. Look around you and honestly ask yourself:

Have I done any good in the world today?

Have I helped anyone in need?

Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?

If not, I have failed indeed.

Has anyone's burden been lighter today

Because I was willing to share?

Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?

When they needed my help was I there?

Then wake up and do something more

Than dream of your mansion above.

Doing good is a pleasure, a joy beyond measure,

A blessing of duty and love.

[source here]

The time to change is now.

Begin Again

As the night has made its usual debut, I sit here in my apartment alone listening to the rattle of the washer and dryer in the laundry room. I've got soft piano music by the ever genius, David Tolk and my hot mug of herbal sleepy time tea. There's a book next to me and two journals opened with my black pen between them.

I'm winding down and spewing out the days thoughts in my journals. The need to wind down is necessary. I thoroughly enjoy it. Especially on Saturday nights. It gets me ready for Sunday. 

I was alone pretty much the whole day. It gave me a lot of time to think and re-evaluate (for the billionth time) about my life. Where do I want to go, who do I want to be- things like that. On the other hand, my mind was struggling to understand where God wants me to go and who he wants me to be. I've been feeling stuck in rut lately. The depression and anxiety that I have been fighting lately hasn't helped me either.

The last couple of weeks, I've had my moments of tears. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling insecure. Feeling frustrated. Feeling anger. 

I reflected a lot on where I was back in November. Different apartment. Different roommates. Different ward. Different area in Provo. There was a lot going on then. God told me to move. So I moved. And here I am. Different apartment. Different roommates. Different ward. Different area in Provo. 

But you know what? I know I am supposed to be here. I don't know why. But I am. I feel it everyday. And everyday, I wonder why. My roommates are darling and the ward seems nice. But why? Why here? I feel oddly out of place. I dislike feeling uncomfortable. Things are different. 

The one thing that has kept me here is God. I firmly believe in God. Though our relationship has been a bit rocky the last couple weeks, I still believe in Him. That's worth holding onto. Life without God seems meaningless. 

So I'll continue to take one day at a time. I'll continue to write my guts out as I go through this period of my life. I'll continue to feel uncomfortable and completely out of my element. And I'll continue to fight the depression and anxiety that debilitate me. I'll stand tall. I'll do it again and again and again.

Before I said, "Here I am Lord, send me." 

Now I am here saying, 

"Here I am Lord, how may I serve thee?"

Becoming.

It's subtle. Barely even noticeable. It's easy to miss the cracks in between. But those cracks fill in when you're not looking.He is busy at work. I'm too tired. I feel weak. He knows, but continues to work. I don't see the work He's already done. I miss those little areas that He's been perfecting. And yet, it's those little things that create the masterpiece. That weak feeling builds an unwavering strength. I'm becoming the woman I was meant to be. It's a process. One that requires much faith, trust, and patience in the creator. But I'm becoming, and that's beautiful.