I was thinking earlier today on my way to work about where I am in comparison to where I was at the beginning of the year. I knew my life would change and that I would have to embrace a new normal. There's never been a year where the Lord has stretched me to get out of my comfort zone more than this year. It's been hard. I was unsure of how my new job would be like back in April. I was unsure of why God wanted me at this specific job. To be honest, it was a step down for me in more ways than one. And I hated it. I kept looking for a new job, because I felt so uncomfortable. I felt like everyone was so smart! I didn't feel like myself.
So I had to make a choice. I knew the Lord would support me with whatever I chose. I chose to stay. I chose to stay for many reasons. I knew that I needed to become more comfortable with myself in uncomfortable settings. This job has caused me to become more comfortable with myself and who I am. And honestly, it's been hard. Like reeeeealllly hard. I think it's human nature to want to feel a connection with others and to fit in. I wanted that. I wanted to know everything that everyone talked about. Pokemon, pop culture, video games etc. Those things aren't me. I never really had an interest in them. I've had to pray for strength from the Lord for me to become more okay with who I am. I needed to accept myself with who I am.
I'm seeing myself differently. I'm more and more okay with who I am. I'm practicing confidence and speaking out. I honestly enjoy where I work. I love the people. I love the environment. I'm grateful that God brought me here. I'm learning and growing in ways that I need to progress.
God is so wise! He throws you in uncomfortable situations and if you're wise, you'll come out on top! I also know that without His help, I wouldn't have been able to make it through. I'm becoming in an area of my life that really needed help.
I've been complaining a lot lately and I've been really mean in my head. If anyone is my worst critic, it's definitely myself. I've really been chewing myself out and crackin' that whip. And what are the benefits of doing this? Nothing. I benefit nothing. And yet, I still do it.
I came across this beautiful post written by the ever beautiful Mara and she shared how she has been changing her language of her thoughts. I agree with her, when she talked about how her thoughts were "burning up energy" that she needed for the day. I realized that I do this very thing. My thoughts are so negative and worried that it exhausts me more than anything. I'm wasting so much energy through negative self-talk that it's literally killing me.
So after this realization, I repented. I begged God for His forgiveness. Negative thinking is like a slow death. You hate and hate and hate on yourself and you just wait for yourself to bleed until your heart stops. If I understand that I am a daughter of God, then why in the hell would I treat myself as the exact opposite? I can't do it anymore. Because it's blinding me and killing me faster.
So I am rewriting my thoughts and letting God's love and light fill me. I pray for His help, because God knows that I can't break nearly 26 years of negative self-talk on my own. My thoughts are more encouraging. My thoughts are more kind. And I'm not gonna lie, it's so hard. It's so very hard and sometimes I just sit down and cry and cry. And then I pray and beg for forgiveness and strength.
The things I choose to do, just so I can fulfill my ministry. Perhaps this shows just how much this mission that I have been entrusted with is to me.
Okay, so I know I've talked a lot about job searching and getting turned down for many jobs. Here's the thing. I'm not upset about it. I don't feel worthless. I'm not mad at God about the situation. I'm just like, "Eh, it's not the worst." I have faith. Maybe not a lot of faith, but I have faith that God is preparing the way. And I'm just going to trust Him, because He's the only one I can rely on and trust that I'm going to be okay. And I'm always okay.
So here's to another Monday and another week. This is a good week! This is a wonderful week! I'm off to make this week a success! Happy Monday, darlings! Make today and this week a good one! Also, it's Pi Day so celebrate with some pie. Pizza counts.
P.S. I know. I blogged everyday last week. And guess what? I'm blogging everyday THIS week too and from here on out. (or at least until I stop.) I'm like a mystery. You're never quite sure what you're going to get from this blog. It's not the worst. It's not the best, but it's not the worst.
I read what has become one of my favorite books, "More Than The Tattooed Mormon" by Al Carraway. It was late one evening and I wanted to read a new book. I came across this book and felt a pull to read it. So I did. And you guys!!!! I love this book with all my heart! There was so much written about my favorite person: God. If you haven't noticed *hint hint: my labels section* you'll see that God is the biggest and most popular topic. Reading this book was not only a page turner, but the Spirit testified to me again that there is a God. So here I am to talk to you and share with you my thoughts and testimony.
I know that there is a God. I know He created you and I. We're so lucky to be His. And gosh darn it, we are lucky, because He is not just a God. He is a Father. We are so lucky to have a Father who sees us, who knows us, and wants us. I know that God lives. I've found that Heavenly Father picks up the slack where others are lacking. People are imperfect, but God is PERFECT! He is there! Always!
I know He loves you. Just like He loves me. If there's any power that God has, I'd say His love is the most powerful! His perfect love never changes and yet it changes us! Even right this very second, He is aware of you and loves you deeply. To be honest, there have been times when I felt like God didn't love me I didn't feel like I deserved love. And a lot of that was shame that I felt. I felt like I wasn't worthy of His love. I have made soooooo many mistakes and if I don't even love myself, then why would God love me? Have we not all been there? (Let's be real, I'm not the only one who has thought that.) The best way for me to feel God's love is to pray.
Speaking of prayer, I know that prayer is our greatest source to conversing with Him. Oh does He love it when we pray. Forget the proper way, just talk to Him! He just wants you to talk to Him. He wants to help you and He is ready to! But sometimes He wants us to come to Him. Whether it's asking for help or comfort or in gratitude. Just talk to Him, because a Father/Child relationship is so precious and important! Some of my most heartfelt moments are when I kneel before the Lord in deep, sincere. I open up my heart to Him. Being vulnerable is hard. But those moments when I can put my guard down and expose myself to the Lord, I feel peaceful. I feel loved. I feel worthy of His love. I feel His kindness and warmth around me.
One of my favorite songs is titled, "Just How I Am" sung by Laken Quigley. It's from the EFY 2014 album and this song (and album) is amazing!
[PRESS PLAY]
Just How I Am
-Laken Quigley
When I'm alone, I can fall to my knees
And I know that He'll always be there.
When I'm surrounded and I call out His name,
I know He will still hear my prayer.
Though I'm in a world full of people,
And I'm only one in the crowd,
No, He'll never forget me,
He's always up there looking down.
Chorus:
And He knows me,
He knows me.
And He holds me,
In His hands.
Yes, He knows me.
And He loves me,
Just how I am.
Just how I am.
When I'm in need, when I'm falling apart,
He will always be right by my side.
Patiently waiting for me to reach out
He just wants to be part of my life.
Even when I think I know better.
Even when I do something wrong.
He'll always help me through it,
Yeah, He's been there all along.
Chorus
And no matter life may bring, no matter what comes
I will always know who I am and where I belong
Chorus
He knows me and He loves me
Just how I am.
Just how I am.
I feel like it's easy to not believe in God or turn to Him, because we've experienced times when we've felt jaded. You don't want to get hurt again. Or perhaps it's because you can't physically see Him, so how on earth could He be real? Here's my advice, if there is anything that I could urge you to do, it is to first ask God if He is there. (Prayer works!) I promise you that He will answer you and you will know that answer! If you don't really know Him, then I urge you to get to know Him. Open up your scriptures, study His characteristics. That's what got me started. And pray, pray, pray!!! Again, I promise you that God will answer you!
I've always heard that you should make God your priority. And I understand that, because when God is your priority, life doesn't seem so bad. I feel like regardless of what is thrown my way, I will get through it. I admit it's not always easy to turn to Him. (I'm so stubborn!) But I always end up turning to Him and He always rescues me! Always! Everything will be okay so long as God is there. God is real. God is good! I love Him! I don't think I could truly describe to you my love for Him, because it's- I just love Him!
You have a God, and He is yours!
-Al Carraway
I wrote #always next to this sentence in her book, because it speaks truth! God is always ours just like we are always His. Happy Sunday and may you feel God's love for you on this Sabbath day!
For more information on Al Carraway, check out her blog here! I always love reading her posts. You can also check out her book! I encourage each one of you to read it, because it was THAT good!
I believe that part of the becoming process is learning to move past shame. To be able to "own your story" as Brene Brown put it and move forward with your head held high. I'd say shame has been something that I've been really hating lately. If there's anything that Satan is really good at, it's shame. And while I prefer to ignore it and hide it under my bed, it always surfaces. It's hard. It's really hard. If you want to learn more about shame, I highly recommend you look into Brene Brown. Her book I Thought It Was Just Me was the book that got me into wanting to learn about shame. This book really hit home with me and it took me several months (yes, months!) to get through it. I couldn't just read it like a page turner. I had to read a little bit, process and internalize what I read, and make a personal connection to it. And sometimes doing just that took several days, even weeks.
Shame says that I am bad. And I honestly feel that way every single day, multiple times a day. I'm not saying this because I want your sympathy or pity. I'm sharing this with you, because everyone feels shame. It's part of the human experience.
But we don't have to be defined by it! That's part of the becoming process. Working through our emotion and shame and coming out strong. Because regardless of what our story is, we are still worthy of love. The becoming process is knowing that you are good. You are strong and courageous. You are worthy of love. I like that. So much so, that I am working on it. It's not easy, but I know it's worth it, because I am worth. You are worth it.
Then do it! Just stop. Who cares, right? You don't need this! You're busy! You're tired! It's hard!!! No one can stop you. It's your life. You can make your own decisions! It's not like anything is making a difference anyways so... You've wasted enough time on this. You don't need this! It's not worth it. You're not worth it. You're tired of feeling this way so... Yeah, give up. Just stop.
stop.
just stop.
Or you could...
Breathe. It's hard, I get it. I have felt it; experienced it for myself. I'm still experiencing it. Just breathe. It's okay. You're okay. The worst that can happen is that everything is going to be okay. You got this. You're better than this. You are worthy of tackling hard things. You can do hard things! Yes, you! So you have some scraped knees and elbows; could be worse. Just keep going. There's so much support for you. There's so much love for you. You've come this far, just a little further. You don't have to take it all at once. Take one day at a time. One day at a time is all you're given anyways. You can do this. You can make it! You will make it. Just breathe right now and then start again. Start where you're at.
I know that God knows you and loves you! You are His. He created you. He is your Father. Oh how He dearly wishes you would embrace His presence and love. You are worthy of His love always. What matters to you, matters to Him. Whatever concerns you, concerns Him. He won't let you go. No, He will never let you go! He can be your support right this very second! Don't you dare give up! He doesn't want you to. He knows and understands.
I know that Jesus Christ knows you and loves you! He is the best big Brother anyone could ask for. He has endured the hardest of trials. His love and sacrifice for you is the biggest blessing in your life. You can latch on to Him and know that He too has endured your pain. The deep feelings of pain, failure, and wanting to give up have all been felt by Him too.
You're not alone. You were not sent here to feel alone and fail. No, you are meant to fly! You are meant for better, bigger things! You are worthy of God and Jesus Christ's love and light. Their love and light will literally fill you. If you allow them, they can warm your heart. But you have to let them. They can't warm a cold heart that chooses to remain cold. You have to let them in. Open the door to them, even if it's hard. You can do hard things, just like they have done hard things. You are not alone. Don't give up. Just keep going.
I pray for you. I wish and hope the best for you. I know together we can do hard things. We are meant to live a beautiful, happy life here. Yes, life happens and we have human experiences. We are not alone. We got this. We'll take one step at a time, one day a time.
Don't give up. Don't you ever give up! Keep going! :)
“Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.” -Elder Jeffrey R. Hollands[Source here]
I kept hitting the 'refresh' button every few minutes. I wanted to beat all the other girls who were looking for housing. I was told through a Priesthood blessing that looking for housing would be a trial, but at the time, it didn't seem like a trial. I'm sure God chuckled said, "Just wait." BAM. I hit a rough patch.
At first, I still had my confidence and trusted that I would find a place before I was supposed to move out. God asked me to sell my contract and move. My contract sold quickly. The check out date was set and all I needed to do was find a place. Each place I came across looked good, but I still wasn't feeling settled, so I kept searching. And searching. And searching. I got blessings and was reassured that God would reveal where He wanted me to be, but that I had to continue with faith. I held on tight to that. Surely He would have a place ready at the last second. He's a God of miracles for cryin' out loud!
Nothing.
I moved back home, discouraged. WHY?! I DID EVERYTHING YOU ASKED ME TO. I've had a lot of time to think and to continue searching. Craigslist has been a tab on my internet that I have been refreshing all day. It's been exhausting.
Alright Heavenly Father. What am I supposed to learn from this? Patience, trust, faith ya-de-ah-de-ah-da...
As I sat there on the computer, cooped up on the couch, segments of lyrics came to my mind, that caused me to kneel before the Lord and ask for forgiveness.
Aren't those lyrics soothing? I had lost my confidence and hope in Him. After that humbling experience, those were restored. God will always provide for each one of us. He has proven that to us time and time again. If you really think about it, how many times has He provided for you? It may not be in your timing, but always in His. Let's be honest, His timing was always perfect anyways!
