Goodbye August, Hello September

I know. It's been a month since I've posted. I packed up my life. Moved to Orem. Drove to Idaho for family vacay the day after. Drove home. Packed up my apartment in Orem. Moved home. It all happened so fast. But I trusted the Lord.

I've grown a lot this month. With my business and personally. I've immersed myself in thought provoking books that have caused me to change the way I think. I've been trying to immediately change my thoughts if they are not positive. It's been a...a lot of effort and practice. But it's getting easier. August was a good month!

So what now, September? What do you have to offer me? What do I want to accomplish this month? Growing my business of course. Blogging more. (That's always one.) Cook more often. Save some dollar bills. Hit the pavement more. Maybe yoga. (And you know I hate yoga.) Establish a better routine. Prepare for conference.

This month marks one year of the best revelation I had ever received. And I still hold strong to those promises. I know my 'why' and I know what direction I want to go. So it's time to put the pedal to the medal!

I choose to focus on how far I've come and where I'm going. Progression sometimes feels slow, but August I really grew a lot! My business causes me to branch out of myself and work. I love it! I choose to focus only on positive things that will keep my energy and vibrations high. I choose to immediately forgive myself an ask for God's forgiveness. I choose to love more and to give more of my time. God only will I serve! My 'why' is my vision and my vision is on fire! The timing has never been more perfect!

Let's go, September!

What am I doing?

A question I've been asking myself all week. What am I doing? Imagine me face planted on the floor. Like Sadness from Inside Out. I feel like I'm emotionally hustling for something. Is it acceptance? Is it belonging? Is it validation? I don't know. But I feel weird. I feel like I'm just running around in a thick cloud of fog. Sometimes I feel like Wonder Woman when she takes a moment, closes her eyes and faces the sky. Composure as I call it. I just have to take a deep breath and bask in that very moment to put myself together. Every night, I will lay very still and feel myself breathe while my mind takes its time to slow down. Maybe this is why I need to meditate more? Or do yoga? I don't know, but whatever it is, I need to find some more peace.

It's not the worst.

Dippin' My Toes

I'm dipping my toes in some unknown territory. *heavy sigh* And I'm nervous excited. It's a change and it's something that I just hopped on board immediately. I don't have a full confirmation of what the outcome will be, but I know that I'll be fine either way. Don't you like the vagueness of this post?

This is 27. This is new. This is moving forward. I'm adding to my life story with as many adventures as I can. It's not the worst.

Sinking Deep Within

Healing is an ongoing process. And I do believe the full complete healing is possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ. But it is still a process. I feel like a took a few steps back this weekend. Not allowing myself to think of certain things and trying to keep my heart and mind centered. But sometimes the fight is hard and I am tired. You just have to sit with your feelings no matter how painful and let those emotions move within me. I sink deep within my body and mind and take deep breaths. I am focused on what the pain is and calling upon divine help, because I know that I can't do it alone. This is hard for me. I don't like emotion and feeling most of the time. Most times I wish that I could just pull my spirit out of my body for a few minutes. But I know that in order to become like our Savior and to deeply connect with others, I need to connect with myself first.

It's not the worst.

Keep Going

A tinge of pain settled in unexpectedly today, so I pocketed that emotion away for a few hours so I could process. I know this is a test from God. How will Marlisa handle pain and disappointment? Well, Lord, I will focus on other things. I'm diving deep into my business. Putting my free time towards that. I'm learning a lot about myself through this process, so it's been good for me. If I want to be successful, I have to put in the work. Goals are being made an I just go to work.

Next week, I'm off to Zion's National Park for some needed getaway time. I'll also be visiting family, so all good things are in my future. I'm focusing on other areas of my life that I've neglected. I just push through, but this time in healthier ways. This is good release process for me. And healing always comes. I just have to take one day at a time.

It's not the worst.

Mid June

This new chapter of my life has a lot of surprises in it and I've just been jumpin' on the bandwagon as they come. One that totally took me for a loop was agreeing to go to Zion's National Park with a friend. I love Zion's. I love the company. But I mostly love the stargazing. If you know me well enough or you've been a reader for a while, you know my love for astronomy. More specifically stargazing. It doesn't matter the season, I have done it in the dead of winter. (That's a story for another day...) Stargazing has always opened up this new appreciation for God and for my life. I feel a sense of God's love and peace. And peace is what I need. I've been so indecisive lately. Trying to figure out a future for myself. At the end of May, I made a decision to start a relationship with someone I had talked to for nearly six months. I quickly ended it. Like within 24 hours. I tried giving my heart away, but God has a way of stopping me. I feel like I've lost myself a little bit. I feel out of my element. Tired. Emotions are just numb enough to ease the confusion I feel. I'm pulling myself together slowly. I'm mostly fine.

These moments of making choices are helping me know more of what God wants me to do. But I still have moments where I lie very still and sink deep within myself. I know God has a plan for me. And a lot of patience is required. Planning a future for myself is something that I could do. But each time I think of just me, I feel a sense of redirection. And it's frustrating at times, but I just go on with one day at a time and then praise myself for making it one more day.

So here's to taking one day at a time. Here's to making more adventures and memories for my year 27. It's not the worst.

He's got MY back!

Holy cow! God has been sooooooo good to me this week! Things were falling apart and problems kept arising. And yet, God made it so everything worked out perfectly in His timing. I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude, because I felt so undeserving of His goodness. But you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God loves you NOW! And He wants to bless you, because YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!! I didn't know how this week was going to pan out. But I knew that if I gave my life to Him, He would make everything work out perfectly! I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to, but I had opportunities to serve. And also, if you ask God to send you people to serve, He will! For me, I gave my time to the Lord. I spent time in the Temple and endured two hours of hunger. But my spiritual hunger was satisfied and fulfilled. I gave my time by spending time with people who needed a friend and listening ear. I don't even see it as a sacrifice, rather I am grateful that I choose to put God first. God only will I serve! Even when sometimes it may be hard. But this week, I proved to myself that if I put Him first and trust Him to take care of everything else, He will! And He did this week!

Give God a chance. I just really love my God! You readers who have been reading my blog for years, know that I love my God more than anything! He is everything to me!

Happy June, my darlings! It's birthday month and I've got some great posts for you this month!

Let me slip into something UNcomfortable

I'm currently sitting in my apartment hallway, because it is hot in my room. I fixed the A/C like a Queen and am now waiting for my apartment to cool down to a nice 70 degrees.

I started a business with It Works Global, because the way God speaks to me is by telling me something months in advanced and letting me think about it until I'm ready to do what He asks. This was an answer to my prayers and something that would help me reach my financial goals and also to motivate me to treat my body better. Two women who had followed me on Instagram were part of this company. I've been watching their business grow. One is a married  BYU student and the other is a retired, 20-something year old with a family. Both were kind, motivating, and incredibly successful. The only part that scared me about this business was putting myself out there and selling. I am not a sales person. I don't do that. So after much prodding, I took the plunge.

And I became stagnant. Anxiety and fear really hit me. But I knew that if I followed everything that Christy told me to do, I would be successful. But still. I was scared. Scared of failure. Scared of rejection. Scared! So I got the kit and opened it, but then put the contents back into the box and it's sitting on my desk with some books and papers on top of it.

While paroozing my way on Instagram, a friend of mine posted these very words:

Nice, Heavenly Father. Way to put that out there. So I resisted again. Then this:

Yeah, but then I'm saving myself from feeling anxiety and uncomfortable. A few days later, I read these words that really hit me hard:

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." M. Scott Peck 

Okay, Okay, I'm listening. I realized that I was making things so complicated and I was overthinking everything! I just needed to simplify it and bring out the beauty in it. So I started up with my positive affirmations again:

I am a Daughter of God.

I am Beautiful.

I am doing hard things.

I am successful!

 God only will I serve.

I am attracting like minded people.

I am financially abundant.

I am making my dreams come true.

I radiate the Light of Christ.

I am making a difference in the world.

I felt my Spirit come alive once again. I promised God that I would try again and give it all I've got. I promised to always put Him first and then go to work. Even though this is very uncomfortable for me, I know that I have two choices. I can grow. Or I can be stagnant. We all know how I feel about the power of change, so I've re-committed myself to God, to myself, and to this company. I will bask in the uncomfortable-ness that comes and I will let it refine me. I can do hard things. I am successful.

Here's to new adventures. You can visit my Instagram @simplymarlisa for my lifestyle and "work" posts. I'll be sharing with you my journey and bringing the simplicity and beauty in the products, but how it is influencing both my life and those I get to work with. (I still have my regular Insta @missmarlirock so feel free to go there if you're not interested!)

Here we go, darlings! It's not the worst.

***If you're interested in any products or whatever, just DM, text, email, FB message me. We can embark on this journey together! You can be skeptical, but at the very least, you should just try it!***

Fresh Love & Devotion

Recently I felt that a chapter in my life was ending and I needed to do all that I could to wrap it up. God urged to me to do some hard things. I became very vulnerable in so many aspects of my life. Some were easy, others were hard, but I did it. As this chapter ended and a new one began, I felt a shift in focus. My heart was focused on God and Jesus Christ. My desire to heal and to align my will with God's became my priority. I felt a fresh love for myself, God, Christ, and those I deeply loved. I felt a joy that seemed to consume my heart. I constantly repeat the affirmations:

I am a daughter of God. 

I radiate the Light of Christ. 

I am beautiful. 

I am brilliant. 

I am loved.

I am happy!

Each time I recite these truths, I feel my spirit come alive and drink it all up. I feel these truths imprinted on my heart. I feel myself radiating light and have others have pointed this out not even knowing what I've been doing. Tapping into my higher self has helped me see myself as a beautiful, woman of God. It has also opened my spiritual eyes and see others as their higher self. I can sense just a taste of how much God loves His children. 

I'm all in. This fresh love and devotion to my God has opened up this new chapter so beautifully. I am becoming.

Stan

I almost killed my fish. I almost killed my roommates fish that I have secretly adopted as my own. I was cleaning out Stan's fish bowl and I usually just leave him in the net in a bowl of water. Well The net was sitting awkwardly on the bowl and you guess it. It toppled over onto the floor.

SPLAT!!!

I screamed and quickly picked up the net and put it back in the water. For a second there I thought I killed him. It. Was. Awful. Legit, the worst feeling everrrrrrrr!!! Thought I lost my baby! ...I mean my fish. I mean my roommates fish. That's not mine. (But he's mine.)

Stan is alive and swimming in a clean and very warm fish bowl. Whew!

Becoming (Part Eight)

I was thinking earlier today on my way to work about where I am in comparison to where I was at the beginning of the year. I knew my life would change and that I would have to embrace a new normal. There's never been a year where the Lord has stretched me to get out of my comfort zone more than this year. It's been hard. I was unsure of how my new job would be like back in April. I was unsure of why God wanted me at this specific job. To be honest, it was a step down for me in more ways than one. And I hated it. I kept looking for a new job, because I felt so uncomfortable. I felt like everyone was so smart! I didn't feel like myself.

So I had to make a choice. I knew the Lord would support me with whatever I chose. I chose to stay. I chose to stay for many reasons. I knew that I needed to become more comfortable with myself in uncomfortable settings. This job has caused me to become more comfortable with myself and who I am. And honestly, it's been hard. Like reeeeealllly hard. I think it's human nature to want to feel a connection with others and to fit in. I wanted that. I wanted to know everything that everyone talked about. Pokemon, pop culture, video games etc. Those things aren't me. I never really had an interest in them. I've had to pray for strength from the Lord for me to become more okay with who I am. I needed to accept myself with who I am.

I'm seeing myself differently. I'm more and more okay with who I am. I'm practicing confidence and speaking out. I honestly enjoy where I work. I love the people. I love the environment. I'm grateful that God brought me here. I'm learning and growing in ways that I need to progress.

God is so wise! He throws you in uncomfortable situations and if you're wise, you'll come out on top! I also know that without His help, I wouldn't have been able to make it through. I'm becoming in an area of my life that really needed help.

It's not the worst.

Read the last entry in this series: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/09/becoming-part-seven.html

Free-write: Late Night Thoughts

It's nearly one o'clock in the morning and the dark silence carries on into the wee hours of the night. Here I sit tap-tap-tapping out this post letting the words flow as they may, A free-write if you will.

I'm grateful that it is now November. I love the closing of the year. I love the holidays, especially Thanksgiving. I love family time. I love the transition from fall to winter. I love preparing for and welcoming the new year.

I'm not where I thought I would be at the beginning of 2016, but I praise God for where I'm at now. I feel like I'm becoming more true to myself and tapping into my higher self. I'm seeing things in a different sense. I'm (slowly) embracing myself. I've had my share of bad days, but the good ones always outweigh the bad.

Lately, I've been saying out loud the words, "I forgive myself." I think it's about time I start forgiving myself. It's hard, but I force those three words out. There's power in being vocal. I've also found this when I read my scriptures out loud. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but I feel something different, when I can hear myself voice my forgiveness or reading my scriptures.

I feel like I've taken all the compartments in my brain and dumped the contents out into a big pile. It's messy and there are so many bibs and bobs mixed in with the important things. I'm re-organizing everything. It's overwhelming. It requires lots of naps too. I'm recalling old memories that bring the sweetest joy or the deepest pain. I guess you could say, I'm re-wiring the way my brain functions.

With a new year, comes the unknown. What will accomplish next year? What trials will I face? Blah, blah, blah! I have a love/hate for the unknown. I don't want to think about it, but then I have to think about it, so I can come up with a game plan. Anxiety is too real for me. I like to be prepared for the absolute worst, so it doesn't come as a surprise.

Then there's the election. Don't get me started on that.

Late night thoughts are scattered. It's not the worst.

Little Miracles

I lost my apartment key yesterday. I spent several hours searching for this key. I tore apart my room and put it back together. It was so organized and clean that there was literally no way that it could be in my room. However, I had this feeling that everything would be okay and I would find that key. I didn't know when they key would be found, but I knew that it would be. I prayed to the Lord with gratitude for this opportunity to exercise my faith in Him. I let Him know that I accepted the fact that it was gone and that I might not find it. When it came to leave my apartment, I found a way to lock the door using a plastic bag. I felt discouraged that I couldn't find the key, but I still had faith in God.

You probably already figured out the rest of the story, so I'll just say that the key magically appeared on the floor at work. It must have been attached to part of my costume that I wasn't wearing. The funny thing is, I had looked at my costume over and over to know for sure that there was no key attached to it. But there the key was. Right there on the floor.

I know that God was testing me. I'm so grateful that He did, because it gave me the opportunity to really see where my faith was. I chose to put my faith and trust in Him. I kept letting Him know that if it be His will, the key would show up. Yes, I felt discouraged, but I still knew and felt strongly that God would provide and He did.

I love my God. I praise Him for His goodness and mercy towards me over something so small. It's these little moments that have built my relationship with Him to be so strong. He's the first source that I always go to.  I just love Him. He is always first and I know that He looks out for me.

All good things!

Heart & Mind

Whew. Being sick has opened a lot of time to think. And I mean not even an escape to Stars Hallow or Green Gables could distract me. I've been praying for an open heart and mind for a while now. Meditation has been my key to that door. Ridding myself of my frail natural tendencies and imprinting self-love and peace. I feel more connected with my God. I feel more connected with higher self. It has calmed me during times where anxiety would storm.

Personal Revelation has been flowing so sweetly and flawlessly. It's been intense, but gosh, so wonderful! Having a glimpse of where I need to be and adjusting my course to follow suit has been so much easier. I truly believe that God's plan is perfectly set before us.

My mind will storm at times and I can feel my heart working double time to calm my mind. The heart knows best, because it feels peace. My mind constantly asks, "What if I'm wrong?" My heart will say, "God has it figured out. Let's keep trusting Him and His peace." My mind calms down and then the two are unified. More personal revelations flows and I feel more enlightened.

Truth is fortifying. The more we seek for truth, the more enlightened we become. My desire for truth has slowly been satisfying and fulfilling. When my my heart and mind are open and connected, I find myself strengthened in many ways. I feel steady on my path even though I cannot see it at times.

It's not the worst. All good things.

Freewrite: Feelings

I was in a terribly bad mood late last night and I had absolutely no desire to talk to God about it. I mean, I obviously attempted, but nothing was coming. Between the hours of 3:00-4:00 AM, has been the best time for God and I to talk. I'd say it happens probably once a week or so when I pour my heart out to him. I was too exhausted last night and told God that if He woke me up during our usual hour, I would talk to Him.

So He did just that.

3:17 was the time that I was woken up and I reluctantly sat up. I talked out loud, because really, who's going to hear me at that hour? The more I talked, the more confused I became. It didn't help that I wasn't in the mood to talk. The problem with feeling 'meh' is that I can't figure out how I truly feel. It' makes it hard for me to navigate the root of the problem. When I finished talking, I ended it with the most sincere prayer that I could muster. My head hit that pillow and I was out.

I've been feeling a lot lately. Mixed emotions about a lot of different aspects of my life and I feel like I am drowning. Like last night. Drowning in my own emotions until numbness comes. It's dangerous.

Triggers. Sometimes I will feel triggered by something and that causes a lot of confusion. Underneath that confusion is a thick, gooey layer of pain. A mess that I don't want to trudge through.

Fear of abandonment. 

No reciprocation. 

Needs not met

Self conscious

Trust broken

Abuse

Self sabotage

Just a few things that were triggered. Some more than others. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate how I feel. I hate how I perceive myself and others. I hate how tired I feel, because it's so mentally and emotional taxing.

And back to that gooey layer. It's a thick black mixture. Bittersweet to the taste.  Its sticky, grainy texture clings to you. It coats you well, because even if you try to wipe it off, it gets everywhere. (This makes me think of Candyland.)

So I'm pulling things apart. I can't live this way. I need to deal with this layer of pain. I'm writing my feelings out on napkins, ripped corners of paper, post it notes- anything! Praying and scripture study has become harder, but I force myself. I believe that God recognizes my efforts even though they seem so insignificant.

And even with all of this, I still firmly say, it's not the worst.

Five Years

We each were feeling the sting of being heart broken. We were young. Early twenties. Very different, but vibrant women. We gathered in the cold, dimly lit parking garage,  huddled over the grate, each clinging to a picture. One by one we each held our photo and said our goodbyes. We burned those pictures to symbolize our letting go. Ice cream and Taylor Swift's "Picture To Burn" was the celebration of our new found freedom.

Fast forward five years. 

I look back and think how dramatic and unnecessary that was. (Although proud we never got caught.) In the moment though, it felt real. I was so young and naive. I had no idea then what I would soon go up against. No more burning pictures. No Taylor Swift to sing my feelings. No ice cream to soothe the pain.

I release my pain differently. I'm a little wiser now. I'm closer to my God and Savior, Jesus Christ. I cry a lot more. Sometimes I eat my feelings, but most times I forget to eat. Who knows what I'll change in the next five years. But for now, this is my reality and how I deal. 

It's not the worst.

Filling My Canteen

I've been setting aside some time to fill my canteen each week. This precious time is scheduled each Saturday morning. It's very important that it's filled to the brim, before the next week, because life just drains it. Especially during the winter months, it's absolutely necessary that I make this time for myself. A few things that I do are as follows:

Sleep! Gosh, sleep is important! Especially when I don't seem to get much of it any other time during the week. And if my body says it wants to sleep in until 10, I don't fight it. I have no alarm. (TBH, I don't need one, because my body usually wakes up pretty early.)

Pancakes are a must. Chocolate chip to be exact. Mama Rock used to make pancakes every Saturday morning and the smell would wake me up. I've always associated pancakes with Saturday and I always will. I also love cooking/baking, so making pancakes satisfies that.

Reading. It's absolutely necessary for me to make time for me to read. Even if it's 30 minutes long, I need my reading time. It's precious time to me, because it's something that I thoroughly enjoy. If I had to pick 2 things to do with my time, it would be sleeping and reading. (Eating would be third, obviously.)

Stretching. I've been stretching a lot. Stretching those muscles. I'm kind of an idiot who hates stretching before/after I run during the week, so I spend extra time to stretch out my tired muscles. It always ends with me just lying on the ground letting my mind wander. Sometimes Most times, I fall asleep.

Listening to music is essential. I've always been a music junkie. I have my Saturday playlist playing in the background as I go about my morning. I love looking up new artists and adding new content to my playlist.

Those are just a few things I do, but when my canteen is full, I'm ready to start the week off with a bang! Being able to do this has helped me spiritually. When I give time to myself and fill my happy tank, I feel so much more open to God. Sundays are much more intimate and I am better able to feel God's love for me, my family/friends, and those I serve.

Life truly isn't the worst when you're taking care of yourself. Just sayin'.

Cool.

A roller-coaster has literally been the thrill of my emotions. Up and down. And yet, on the outside, I'm cool like cucumber. I stepped off that roller-coaster for a few days. Numb. Then blink, I'm back on. Life. It gets ya, sometimes. It doesn't slow down. It just keeps going and catching up is tricky.

It's not the worst.

Not quite the worst recipe...

...that I've ever written. I'm dreamin' of this mac and cheese I made a million years ago. You want a recipe? Okay...

Ingredients:

Elbow Macaroni
Cheddar Cheese (I prefer medium cheddar.)
2 T of Butter
2 T of Flour
Milk (or cream)

Boil noodles until al dente. Strain and put in greased pan. Over low heat, melt butter. Once melted, add the flour and mix until it becomes like dough. Add milk and turn up the heat and whisk to combine the flour and milk. Add cheese (leave 1/2 cup of cheese for topping) and stir until cheese is completely melted and thickens into a sauce. Pour over noodles and mix together. Heat oven to 350 degrees and bake for 10-15 minutes. Pull out of oven and add remaining 1/2 cup of cheese over the top and put in oven until cheese is melted and golden brown.

Optional: You can jazz it up with some garlic or a breaded topping. I usually make a topping out of Corn Flakes. It's not the worst.

Instead of dishing it on plates, just hand everyone a fork and eat from the pan. Less dishes. (Totes joking...but not really.)

Not Tonight

In the dark of the night, I sat there in her chair and propped my feet up on the ottoman. (I'm chair sitting for a few days for my friend.) I sat there as past trauma re-surfaced. It was unexpected and felt like someone had knocked the breath out of me.

No tears. Absolutely no tears. Just pain. 

I wanted to abandon myself. Go numb and not have a care in the world. But I couldn't. I had to feel and process. I began to speak to myself with love:

I am daughter of the most Divine. I am a experiencing a moment that will help me become more like my Father in Heaven. It's okay for me to feel the pain right now. This is a process. I am not weak. Broken hearts will be mended. I am a Queen. I can do hard things with grace! I am loved.

 I am tired of shaming myself when I begin to feel the pain of trauma. Giving up just pushes me back. It's not worth it to me. But I'm worth moving past it. I don't need to allow those feelings to make me feel defeated.. I'm worth more than that.

It's not the worst. All good things.