Don't Commit to Failure

Don't commit to your mistake.

These five words have been ringing in my head the last couple days. I've felt like I've been screwing up left and right! And I get really bogged down about that. It's probably due to the "perfectionist" in me, but also, I just don't like making mistakes. I hate messing up. 

Don't commit to your mistake(s). Keep moving forward. Keep trying. You're not a failure, so don't commit yourself to that. 

It's not the worst.

Free-write: Late Night Thoughts (part 2)

It's night time and my corner of the world is quiet, so a free write if you will.

Everyone heals differently. I've been coming across many individuals who strike me with so much strength as they endure hard trials. Their way of healing intrigues me. Some turned to religion. Others turned to therapy. Some even put forth all their energy into making their dreams come true. All of these things are great. 

I've always believed that true healing comes through the atonement of Jesus Christ. And I still do. That's what works for me. But I've had this admiration for anyone who has healed by other means and have found so much joy. Good on you! Everyone is uniquely different and healing comes in different forms. Everyone deserves to be so deeply happy in this life! And when you truly find it, don't let go!

Becoming (Part Four)

I believe that part of the becoming process is learning to move past shame. To be able to "own your story" as Brene Brown put it and move forward with your head held high. I'd say shame has been something that I've been really hating lately. If there's anything that Satan is really good at, it's shame. And while I prefer to ignore it and hide it under my bed, it always surfaces. It's hard. It's really hard. If you want to learn more about shame, I highly recommend you look into Brene Brown. Her book I Thought It Was Just Me was the book that got me into wanting to learn about shame. This book really hit home with me and it took me several months (yes, months!) to get through it. I couldn't just read it like a page turner. I had to read a little bit, process and internalize what I read, and make a personal connection to it. And sometimes doing just that took several days, even weeks.

Shame says that I am bad. And I honestly feel that way every single day, multiple times a day. I'm not saying this because I want your sympathy or pity. I'm sharing this with you, because everyone feels shame. It's part of the human experience. 

But we don't have to be defined by it! That's part of the becoming process. Working through our emotion and shame and coming out strong. Because regardless of what our story is, we are still worthy of love. The becoming process is knowing that you are good. You are strong and courageous. You are worthy of love. I like that. So much so, that I am working on it. It's not easy, but I know it's worth it, because I am worth. You are worth it. 

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Check out part three of this series here.

Money, Money, Money, Mo-ney...MONEY!

If you sang the title and thought of "The Apprentice" then I automatically think you're cool.

Finances have been on my mind lately and that is what this year is alllllll about! Getting. Out. Of. Debt. Thank you to family and friends who have helped me start this year off with a bang! And shout out to the one and only DAVE RAMSEY! If ever given the opportunity to shake his hand, I would easily jump on that! He has been such an inspiration and motivator for me and my family. I've been listening to his radio program and following him on social media. It's so comforting to know that there are other people out there who are taking care of their debt. I can't wait until the day when I can call Dave's radio program and yell "I'M DEBT FREE!"

Getting out of debt is something that has become so important to me. However, it requires a lot of commitment, energy, and sacrifice. Three things that...well yeah, I could do better in. I know it will be worth it, because living a debt-free life means that I am no longer tied down. It offers a lot of freedom.

I've been budgeting and living on a strict 'cash only'  basis. It's hard. So hard. But I know it will be worth it. I know that this is only temporary.

I'll be documenting my journey right here on this blog. If you'd like to share your experience, go ahead and shoot me an email or comment below. It's always so motivating to hear other peoples stories.

Here we go!

***If you are interested in learning more about becoming debt-free and/or want to learn more about Dave Ramsey, click here.

***For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the parable of The Ten Virgins, you can click here to watch the video clip or read it here.***

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I taught Relief Society this last Sunday about spiritual and temporal welfare. Due to the time constraint, we briefly went over temporal welfare and ended with a video clip of The Ten Virgins. My heart broke as I watched the five foolish women stand outside the door of the Bridegroom. Can you imagine being told that you do not know Christ and having the door shut in your face? All because you were unprepared? I don't want to know what that's like. And I don't want you to know what that's like!

I needed this reminder, not just temporally, but spiritually! Oh this is the time to prepare to meet our maker! I am always having to remind myself to more fully give my will to God. And sometimes it's hard. I feel like even at my young age, I'm so distracted by all the big decisions that I need to make that I fail to remember that my life should be in the service of God. Am I ever grateful for second and third chances that are given to humble myself and get back on path.

I want to be prepared for that day! I want to be a strong woman of faith who has withstood the evils of the world. I want to be there when He comes again in His glory. I want to be able to look back at my life knowing that I had tried my best and had done what the Lord asked me to do. I want to be able to have those memories of being the Lord's vessel in bringing others unto Christ.

Prepare yourself spiritually to be an instrument in God's hands. Oh how he will bless  you both spiritually and temporally! Through God you can do all things! Ancient and modern-day prophets have testified of this truth!

I promise you that you don't want to be one of the five foolish women outside the Bridegrooms door! You don't have to be. You weren't destined for that. You were destined for glory! Eternal life is worth it! We can prepare for it! And we can have it! Through Him, we can have it! We have all the tools to help us get there. We can endure to the end by careful and prayerful preparation!

Becoming (Part Three)

I was sitting in a devotional tonight and Elder M Russell Ballard said the words "becoming and overcoming" and I couldn't get it out of my mind. Part of the becoming process also requires overcoming. Overcoming things in your life is change. The more we overcome, the more becoming we are. I like that.

Weak to Strong

Personal Credence # 2:

I think it's okay to be weak, because God always makes weak things strong.

***

I don't think weakness is bad. It's healthy to know and understand that we as human beings are imperfect. Imperfections can be meaningful learning moments. I don't think anyone should feel like being weak is a sign of failure. Everyone- EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING, can change. Weakness can be catalyst for change. It can make you better! Recognizing that you are imperfect, can be a beautiful revelation. It can push you to simply try again or try something different. Let your weaknesses bloom into something better. All the best people grow from their weaknesses. You were born to be great.

Now let's talk about God. I believe in God. I believe that God knows me so perfectly. I know He knows my imperfections. He knows my shortcomings. But oh how He loves me even with my imperfections. 

As a member of the Mormon faith, I recently had the opportunity to go through the Temple. It was that day that I realized that this perfect God wanted to be bound to His imperfect daughter. God has been a source of love and light in my life. I've had many moments when God has continued to bless me, even when I mess up. 

You see, I have had my share of trials. I am the type of person who makes lists of all her flaws. I used to look at my imperfections as a road block. I couldn't see how to get across them. I can't tell you how many times the "independent woman" inside of me, comes out and tries to get across that block or avoid it. When I started gaining a relationship with God, I slowly began to see how my imperfections weren't permanent road blocks. They were blocks that needed time to get through. 

Through the atonement of Jesus Christ and the help from a loving God, I have been able to cross some very hard road blocks. I've been able to change the way I think about myself and my imperfections. I've learned (and re-learned) that I can do hard things. God and Jesus Christ have been the best source of help. They aid me in every way they can and they re-ignite the fire of faith and hope in me. 

I'm not perfect. I will never perfect in this life. However, I am so grateful that I can try again and again and until I get make my weaknesses strong. God always makes weak things strong and it is up to us to turn to Him and Jesus Christ to become strong. 

It's okay to be weak. You can change. You can do hard things. You can cross the road blocks. Take your time. Changing weaknesses needs time. They will grow, if you try. God lives and so does His son, Jesus Christ and they will help you. You were born to be great. You were born to thrive. You can reach your full potential. You are a child of God and He loves you. He loves the imperfect you.

It's okay to be weak. It's okay!

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." -Ether 12:27

Still

There are moments where I lay very, very still. Breathing is slow, eyes are open, and I am keenly aware of my surroundings. However, emotionally- I am checked out. Dark waves draw in with their pain. These waves bring in those dark memories of my past and the girl I once was. They cause confusion. I begin to think that I am still that girl. I close my eyes. Wave after wave of humiliation and self-loathing come to replace the light and happiness in my life. They wish to draw me out where they can then pull me under.

The old me would settle and allow the darkness to seep in. I'd sink into the most terrible abyss. I don't allow that anymore. I don't fight the waves, but I invite them in. When they draw in, I let them take some of the light. I remember that I have changed. My past experiences have changed and shaped me. I am not who I once was. Light will always conquer the dark; those heavy, dark waves leave the shore much lighter and clear. I don't sink, rather I am floating.

I know where I've been and who I was, but I am not that girl anymore. I am better. I am lighter. I am happier. I cherish those still moments.

Bruised

Each time that volleyball hit my hands, I just knew that some good bruises were coming. Then when I couldn't touch my hands yesterday because they hurt, I knew that some good bruises were formed. I can see them now. A nice purple color. I'm proud of them. That volleyball game was worth my bruises in gold.

Later that night after the game, I received a blessing that [at the time] felt very troubling. Bruises were coming and I need to gear up for them. But you see, these bruises are different. These bruises are heartaches to come. I would rather experience high intense physical pain, than deal with a heartache. I experienced intense heartache recently and I have healed from it. I don't want to go through that one again. No sir, I'll pass. 

If only...

I laid awake for some time last night. Silent tears falling on my pillow and one of the most sincere prayers in my heart. I expressed blubbered my feelings to the Lord, in hopes that He would change His mind. The sweetest words came to my mind and I felt peace wash over me. Dear friends, God is good!

 

Fear not, I am with Thee.

Oh be not dismayed,

For I am Thy God

And will still give Thee aid.

Blurred

You can feel completely clueless. Stagnant. Unmotivated. Useless.  Everything seems blurry. What used to be strictly black and white has now smeared into a questionable gray. It's dim. I could trudge the sticky mud aimless. Or I could wait. But wait for what? I guess I'll just pray. 

Deeply Ingrained

There is a "tugging" feeling that I feel quite often. It tugs my heart when I feel doubt, pain, or confusion. My heart knows the truth, but oft times my mind struggles. My heart gently tugs my mind back to the truth. Even through the deepest pain, my heart knows the truth. My heart has ingrained the gospel of Jesus Christ as it's energy source. My heart has saved my life many times, because of this energy source. That energy source is always replenished as I continue to live my life through obedience. It's replenished through heart-felt prayer. It's replenished through a loving God and Savior, Jesus Christ. What started out as sliver of faith, made a remarkable and sustainable difference. It flows through my body and when it reaches my broken mind, it soothes and heals. It reminds my mind the purpose of my life here. It reminds me of the joy that I have tasted, because of my firm testimony of the gospel. Peace is restored, testimony is strengthened, and my heart and mind are one yet again. I believe I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true. It brings true purpose and joy in a world that seeks to dictate what purpose and joy should be. It heals and soothes the deepest cuts. It provides a fortifying love and faith, that you cannot find elsewhere. So when that "tugging" feeling comes, I embrace it. To me, it's a sweet reminder from God letting me know He loves me and is still there. That means the world to me. And you know what? I know that God and Jesus Christ love you. That's something to smile about. Happy Friday!

Begin Again

As the night has made its usual debut, I sit here in my apartment alone listening to the rattle of the washer and dryer in the laundry room. I've got soft piano music by the ever genius, David Tolk and my hot mug of herbal sleepy time tea. There's a book next to me and two journals opened with my black pen between them.

I'm winding down and spewing out the days thoughts in my journals. The need to wind down is necessary. I thoroughly enjoy it. Especially on Saturday nights. It gets me ready for Sunday. 

I was alone pretty much the whole day. It gave me a lot of time to think and re-evaluate (for the billionth time) about my life. Where do I want to go, who do I want to be- things like that. On the other hand, my mind was struggling to understand where God wants me to go and who he wants me to be. I've been feeling stuck in rut lately. The depression and anxiety that I have been fighting lately hasn't helped me either.

The last couple of weeks, I've had my moments of tears. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling insecure. Feeling frustrated. Feeling anger. 

I reflected a lot on where I was back in November. Different apartment. Different roommates. Different ward. Different area in Provo. There was a lot going on then. God told me to move. So I moved. And here I am. Different apartment. Different roommates. Different ward. Different area in Provo. 

But you know what? I know I am supposed to be here. I don't know why. But I am. I feel it everyday. And everyday, I wonder why. My roommates are darling and the ward seems nice. But why? Why here? I feel oddly out of place. I dislike feeling uncomfortable. Things are different. 

The one thing that has kept me here is God. I firmly believe in God. Though our relationship has been a bit rocky the last couple weeks, I still believe in Him. That's worth holding onto. Life without God seems meaningless. 

So I'll continue to take one day at a time. I'll continue to write my guts out as I go through this period of my life. I'll continue to feel uncomfortable and completely out of my element. And I'll continue to fight the depression and anxiety that debilitate me. I'll stand tall. I'll do it again and again and again.

Before I said, "Here I am Lord, send me." 

Now I am here saying, 

"Here I am Lord, how may I serve thee?"

Be here now.

Be here now. 

Three words that have been ringing in my ears the past few days. I think this relates a lot when paired with "endure it well". Don't just endure, but endure it well. And as you endure, be here now. Savor your time now. There is goodness right where you are. Lots of it. Don't let the past or future contaminate the goodness of the now. Be here now.

A little of this

I've had scattered thoughts; almost like this hard wooden floor with dozens of pictures scattered all across the room. I'm picking two or three at a time, analyzing each photo and then putting them down and grabbing more. I'm trying to sort them by theme, but they all could fit in so many different places.

This is how I've been with posting on this dear blog. I have so many drafts, each with a sentence or two on them. I want to fully express my deepest thoughts and feelings on each topic, but I keep hitting a wall with each thought. So please be patient with me as I slowly take my time posting on this here blog. (Or as I like to call it, blurb.) 

I will share with you a few thoughts that have been brewing in my head lately. I may dive further into each thought in future posts, but for now, we'll touch the surface.

I love the idea of jumping on train in the middle of the night and riding into the unknown. Every time I see train tracks, I picture myself on a warm summers night, spontaneously jumping on the train and ready to take on the world. Feeling that summer breeze on my face and taking a deep breath. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest, you know. It's meant to be seriously un-serious, as I like to put it. 

I don't fear death. In fact, I face it with open arms. This firmly stems from my solid belief in the plan of salvation. I will live each hour of life with a smile and when it's time for me to face the night, I will gladly welcome the next day. 

When the world says you can't do hard things, ignore it. It's their fear talking. Stand tall and replace their fear with your faith. That'll show them, but more importantly, that'll show you.

Becoming.

It's subtle. Barely even noticeable. It's easy to miss the cracks in between. But those cracks fill in when you're not looking.He is busy at work. I'm too tired. I feel weak. He knows, but continues to work. I don't see the work He's already done. I miss those little areas that He's been perfecting. And yet, it's those little things that create the masterpiece. That weak feeling builds an unwavering strength. I'm becoming the woman I was meant to be. It's a process. One that requires much faith, trust, and patience in the creator. But I'm becoming, and that's beautiful.

Time for Her

I spent Thursday with my lovely mother at home in Highland. Wednesday night was a long night for me. I ached to be home and God knew that. Home is a sacred and safe place for me and my mom is the woman I look up to most in my life. She's a rock of woman, that mother of mine! No doubt God knew who was to be my mother in this mortal life. She is a strength to my family. A mother's love is the most genuine and special love that one could ever have. (Next to Gods love, of course. But they're pretty similar, aren't they?)

I was laying in bed, all warm and cozy underneath my covers earlier today and I got to thinking about Her. I don't often think about Her, because She's rarely mentioned. She's so sacred and special, that God protected Her good name. But I couldn't help thinking about my Heavenly Mother. I've been told through blessings that I have some of her precious and divine qualities.

Being buried in my warm blankets, it got me thinking about how great it would be to be with Her. I imagined just the two of us on Her big bed. It's got the most comfiest quilt and the bed is so soft. I would lay there wrapped up in that big quilt, with my head in her lap as she stroked my hair. I could tell her anything. We'd have girl talk. She'd listen to me intently as I quietly cried to her about my heartaches and struggles. She'd laugh as I told her funny stories and she'd give me loving counsel.

As I laid in my bed, I felt this overwhelming warmth and love encompass me. I then began to pray and asked God to tell Her that I loved her and felt Her love for me. It was pure and perfect. A "heart tapping moment" if you will. (Heart tapping moments are those precious tastes of what heaven/eternity is like.)

I can't wait to hug her one day. She must be a wonder of a woman! God is very lucky to have Her by His side! I truly believe that each one of us, have divine qualities from our Heavenly Parents! Each unique, but compliment each other so perfectly. They are the true examples of how a marriage and a relationship between husband and wife should be. She must be the perfect wife to Heavenly Father. She supports Him alongside with each one of their children. They counsel together and are so involved in each of their children's lives.

How precious, isn't it? That She cares just as much as He does about our own lives. That She is just as involved as He is! She is rooting for me every step of the way. She wants me home. She wants to have those mother/daughter moments with me. She knows what it's like to have struggles. She knows what it's like to feel rejection, low self-esteem, having wayward children. She knows the pain that comes with periods, miscarriages, having children with disabilities. She know's what it feels like to be lonely. She know's what disappointment feels like. She also knows the joy that life can bring. She too has a strong testimony of the gospel. She too has walked the long road and She made it!

She's my Mother. She's your Mother. And She loves you and She loves me. Wow. I'm grateful for Her. Words could never fully express how grateful I am for her. She is an example to me.