30 Days

I've written about my struggle with depression and anxiety. Last week I could feel triggers of it and knew that I needed to fight it while I could. But gosh, sometimes it just really hits! I was lying in bed feeling tired and trying to fight the darkness that just wanted to take over. I received a phone notification indicating a new blog post my friend had posted and quickly went to read it. She talked about how she is reading The Book of Mormon in 30 days. It was like a light was turned on in my brain and I decided to do it.

Today marks day 5 of the challenge and I can personally testify that my battle with mental illness has been a breeze. Filling my heart and mind with goodness has been just the medicine to cure the ache inside. I'm learning more about myself, God, and Jesus Christ. The constant reminder of Gods goodness has kept me moving forward. The need for repentance has been a common theme so far and I am realizing just how much I need to continually be repenting. And while sometimes that can be overwhelming, I love that the call for repentance is always followed with a reminder of my Savior.

The goodness continues, stay tuned!

Not Tonight

In the dark of the night, I sat there in her chair and propped my feet up on the ottoman. (I'm chair sitting for a few days for my friend.) I sat there as past trauma re-surfaced. It was unexpected and felt like someone had knocked the breath out of me.

No tears. Absolutely no tears. Just pain. 

I wanted to abandon myself. Go numb and not have a care in the world. But I couldn't. I had to feel and process. I began to speak to myself with love:

I am daughter of the most Divine. I am a experiencing a moment that will help me become more like my Father in Heaven. It's okay for me to feel the pain right now. This is a process. I am not weak. Broken hearts will be mended. I am a Queen. I can do hard things with grace! I am loved.

 I am tired of shaming myself when I begin to feel the pain of trauma. Giving up just pushes me back. It's not worth it to me. But I'm worth moving past it. I don't need to allow those feelings to make me feel defeated.. I'm worth more than that.

It's not the worst. All good things.

Beat The Blues: Goals & Anxiety Management

Goal making is something I love. I love to make to-do lists and checking off them as I accomplish them. I make daily, weekly, and long-term goals. The issue is I have very little to no motivation when anxiety and depression hit. I look at my to-do list as a burden. It's hard to find motivation when you feel down. I've learned that it's important to have small goals for the day. Here are a few goals that I do and anxiety management to ensure that I have a good productive day.

• Make your bed! You'd be surprised, but while it may be such a small thing, there is a sense of accomplishment in making your bed every morning. It makes it so that I don't feel tempted to climb back in bed and it looks clean. I love a made bed and I love the feeling of climbing into a made bed at night.
• Make a short to-do list. You don't have energy or motivation to do a lot of things. Don't add to your anxiety, by adding more than you handle. It's not a good idea. Pick simple things to do that you can handle.
• GET. OUTSIDE. If you're like me, you don't want to leave your house. Especially during the winter months, I don't want to go out in the cold. Here's the thing, getting some fresh air and being active can really boost your mood. It's winter here and I have been bundling up in layers and going for a walk. I like a burst of cold crisp air, because it wakes me. I walk for however long I want to (even if it is just a block) and sometimes I listen to music while I walk. You do you. 
• Less screen time. Technology is can be so distracting. It's easy to pull out our smart phones or tablets and binge watch Netflix, check Facebook and Instagram. I'm always guilty of this. But here's the thing, I always feel worse about myself when I'm constantly plugged in. I feel unaccomplished or I compare myself. Turn off the phone, TV, laptops-whatever! Unplug, disconnect, and do something. I used to struggle with FOMO (fear of missing out) and would always check FB or Instagram to see what people were doing with their lives or what is happening in the world. I got to the point where I was either tearing myself down or living vicariously through other people's lives. But that's just it, other people were living their lives and I was just sitting there stalking their social media. Not good. Limit your screen time.
• Make your own meals. There's a feeling of accomplishment when you cook your own meals. Don't opt for fast food. Even if it's throwing everything in a crockpot and turning it on. That's an accomplishment that you  are going to enjoy!
• Take deep breaths/meditation. When my anxiety hits, I tend to shut down. I always have to walk myself through deep breaths. I used to hate mediation, but as I've been doing it everyday for 5-10 minutes, it's helped me slow down and simply be. Even if you're at work or in a public place, just take a few deep breaths. It helps.

There are so many ways in which you can manage your anxiety or have more effective goals when you're dealing with mental illness. We're all in this together, so if you have any tips or tricks go ahead and comment below or send an email. Stay tuned for post 3 of the series tomorrow and have a great day! BBBBBBBBBBBBBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Beat The Blues: Food

"Let food by thy medicine." -Hippocrates

Food has always been a hit or miss with me during anxiety/depression. I either want to binge to fill the empty void or I forget to eat. I've found though that I feel a lot worse when I just binge on junk food. While pizza may be a "comfort" food, it doesn't give me the nutrients that I need. In fact, I feel a lot more tired and groggy. It's gotten to the point where I had to get rid of all the junk food and replace them with healthier options. That way if I do binge, I have no choice but to eat what I have. Eating fruits and veggies give me the nutrients that I need and actually help me have more energy. When I put healthier things in my body, I feel a lot happier. I have found that I am able to deal better with my emotions. I recently went to Sprouts Market Place and restocked my cupboard and refrigerator. Below are some pictures of what I usually buy. (Not pictured: Nutritional Yeast)



When anxiety/depression hits, I don't have energy or motivation to make anything to eat. I make sure to stock up on simple and tasty foods that are quick. Avocado toast is a staple for me. It's quick and delicious and filling!

 Avocado Toast

1/2 Avocado

Bread

Olive Oil

Sea Salt

Lemon Pepper

Butter

Toast your bread. Once your bread is toasted, you can add butter or just go straight to adding your avocado. With a fork, smash your avocado onto your toast and then season with your salt and pepper. Finish off by drizzling some olive oil over it and voila! Avocado toast!

I typically add some fresh fruit. It adds both sweetness and color. When I'm feeling down, I like to eat things that are aesthetically pleasing. By adding more color to your plate, it can brighten your mood. I know, it's weird, but it works!

I will be doing a post about essential oils on Thursday, but I wanted to share my Lavender Lemonade recipe. Lavender is naturally calming and relaxing. Funny enough, I'm not a big fan of the scent. I really love lavender lemonade, because it's got the sweetness of lemonade with a hint of lavender. I've found that this is both pleasing and relaxing.

Lavender Lemonade

3 Lemons

6 cups water

1/2 cup Agave Nectar or Honey

1 Drop Lavender Oil

Juice your lemons and add them with the agave nectar to your water. Add 1 drop of lavender oil and stir together. Chill in the refrigerator or pour over ice. Enjoy! (Note: one drop of oil goes a long LONG long way! Don't add more in. It'll taste interesting.)

  

I will be sharing with you more recipes and if you have some that you love, send them in! Check out tomorrow's post all about goals and anxiety management. Stay awesome, kids!

Beat the Blues

You may or may not know, but I struggle with depression and anxiety. Those of you reading this may also struggle with the same thing. I think it's something that has become very common, but it is also very individual. My level of depression and anxiety maybe different than others. There's really no need to compare, we struggle with it.

The month of January, my depression and anxiety tend to kick in at full force and it typically lasts through February. I think a part of that is seasonal depression. While I would choose cold weather over hot weather any day, I still need sunlight. The last few days have been dark and gloomy. I've found my spirits and energy have been lower than usual.

This year, I wanted to make a more effort to beat the blues. I have a created a five part series called "beat the blues" and will be sharing my ways in which I deal with my depression and anxiety, cheer myself up, and have more energy.

For starters, I came across a fairly accurate comic strip about people who struggle with depression and anxiety. Click here to check out the comic strip and the full article. Stay tuned for next Monday for part one of the series!

A look through the Divine

Self-loathing is real thing. I can't tell you how many times I can look at myself and hate the girl looking back. I see the extra fat, the tired eyes, crazy hair, and fake smile. And when I'm not looking at the mirror, I can rip her apart and really hate the girl inside. I see her demons, failures, trials, and mistakes. Never worthy of joy or love.

I had moment the other day. A father/daughter moment if you will. Through loving chastisement, I was once again, reminded of my identity. I have forgotten who I truly am and where I came from. I took a long look in the mirror and this sweet reminder sparked a desire to change.

God is a Father. He embodies love and mercy. It pains Him to see me hate myself; a daughter that He created in His own image. Through that love and mercy, He sent His son, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ knows the very hate I feel, because he too, has felt that rage of self-loathing. And because He has felt this, He has paved the way of healing and love. He made change possible, so that I could look at myself with love. He made change possible, so that I could see who I truly am.

I am imperfect. I make mistakes. I have inner demons I deal with. But I am a daughter of a King. He is a Father and one that I hold very dear to my heart. He loves all of me. He see's me as a beautiful Queen. He knows my potential and knows how to help me reach it.

Take a look through the eyes of The Divine. You'll see wonders and feel the warmth of love. Oh how different we would be if we could grasp this knowledge and use it. And we can. With discipline and use of the atonement, we can. We'll be able to see the Kings and Queens within ourselves. We are meant to be royal, for that is who we are.

I practice now looking at the girl in the mirror and learning to see her as He does. And with that comes love. If He loves her, then I surely can. I can love all of her, for she is divine and full of worth.

"And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and sickness of his people.

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmitites, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. -Alma 7:11-12 

So you wanna give up?

Then do it! Just stop. Who cares, right? You don't need this! You're busy! You're tired! It's hard!!! No one can stop you. It's your life. You can make your own decisions! It's not like anything is making a difference anyways so... You've wasted enough time on this. You don't need this! It's not worth it. You're not worth it. You're tired of feeling this way so... Yeah, give up. Just stop.

stop.

just stop.

Or you could...

Breathe. It's hard, I get it. I have felt it; experienced it for myself. I'm still experiencing it. Just breathe. It's okay. You're okay. The worst that can happen is that everything is going to be okay. You got this. You're better than this. You are worthy of tackling hard things. You can do hard things! Yes, you! So you have some scraped knees and elbows; could be worse. Just keep going. There's so much support for you. There's so much love for you. You've come this far, just a little further. You don't have to take it all at once. Take one day at a time. One day at a time is all you're given anyways. You can do this. You can make it! You will make it. Just breathe right now and then start again. Start where you're at.

I know that God knows you and loves you! You are His. He created you. He is your Father. Oh how He dearly wishes you would embrace His presence and love. You are worthy of His love always. What matters to you, matters to Him. Whatever concerns you, concerns Him. He won't let you go. No, He will never let you go! He can be your support right this very second! Don't you dare give up! He doesn't want you to. He knows and understands. 

I know that Jesus Christ knows you and loves you! He is the best big Brother anyone could ask for. He has endured the hardest of trials. His love and sacrifice for you is the biggest blessing in your life. You can latch on to Him and know that He too has endured your pain. The deep feelings of pain, failure, and wanting to give up have all been felt by Him too.

You're not alone. You were not sent here to feel alone and fail. No, you are meant to fly! You are meant for better, bigger things! You are worthy of God and Jesus Christ's love and light. Their love and light will literally fill you. If you allow them, they can warm your heart. But you have to let them. They can't warm a cold heart that chooses to remain cold. You have to let them in. Open the door to them, even if it's hard. You can do hard things, just like they have done hard things. You are not alone. Don't give up. Just keep going. 

I pray for you. I wish and hope the best for you. I know together we can do hard things. We are meant to live a beautiful, happy life here. Yes, life happens and we have human experiences. We are not alone. We got this. We'll take one step at a time, one day a time. 

Don't give up. Don't you ever give up! Keep going! :)

“Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.” -Elder Jeffrey R. Hollands [Source here]

[Source found here]

"So keep on climbing though the ground might shake.

Just keep on reaching though the limb might break.

We've come this far, don't you be scared now.

'Cause you can learn to fly on the way down."  

Still

There are moments where I lay very, very still. Breathing is slow, eyes are open, and I am keenly aware of my surroundings. However, emotionally- I am checked out. Dark waves draw in with their pain. These waves bring in those dark memories of my past and the girl I once was. They cause confusion. I begin to think that I am still that girl. I close my eyes. Wave after wave of humiliation and self-loathing come to replace the light and happiness in my life. They wish to draw me out where they can then pull me under.

The old me would settle and allow the darkness to seep in. I'd sink into the most terrible abyss. I don't allow that anymore. I don't fight the waves, but I invite them in. When they draw in, I let them take some of the light. I remember that I have changed. My past experiences have changed and shaped me. I am not who I once was. Light will always conquer the dark; those heavy, dark waves leave the shore much lighter and clear. I don't sink, rather I am floating.

I know where I've been and who I was, but I am not that girl anymore. I am better. I am lighter. I am happier. I cherish those still moments.

Another day

Woke up. 

Showered. 

Dressed. 

Bed made. 

Ate a bowl of cereal. 

Did my hair.

Did my make up.

 Ate another bowl of cereal.

 Then a banana.

  Made my lunch.

 Packed my bag.

 Left for work.

Put my happy face on.

Worked.

Left work late.

Ate a bowl of cereal.

Tears.

Tired.

Teeth brushed, face washed.

Read 

Bedtime.

All day, I kept wishing I was somewhere else. Not here. Not eating cereal for breakfast and dinner.  Not tired. Not dealing with customer's bank accounts. Not dealing with anxiety and depression. I wanted to be somewhere new. Somewhere sunny. And warm. Not cold and dreary. I longed to be someone else. Not me. Not wanting to deal with my life. Not today. Not today.

We all have these days. 

It's okay.

Life goes on.

Keep moving forward.

There's growth

and goodness

and joy ahead.

I promise.

True Blue

Dear Readers,

As I promised earlier, I wanted to tell you about this lovely foundation called True Blue! It's this awesome foundation that raises "suicide awareness, prevention, and grief support."

A wonderful girl in my ward brought this to my attention and asked if the service committee wanted to be a part of her special project. This was her family foundation. How could I turn down this awesome opportunity?

Though I didn't know Ethan Empey personally, I know his lovely sister. She is such a wonderful, bright young woman! And I can only imagine that her brother was just as great as she is! After reading up on her brother, I was touched by the person that he was.

The 'Blue' in True Blue stands for the following:

Be Loving Understanding Empathetic

According to family and friends, Ethan exemplified these characteristics during his life. Wow! Talk about awesome characteristics! Way to be an example, Ethan!

One thing that really struck me with this foundation, was their awareness to mental illness. The support that they offer to those who suffer with it or have a loved one who is suffering with it, is incredible! They really reach out!

This immediately got me thinking about Elder Jeffrey R. Hollands talk, Like A Broken Vessel. He so gently expressed his thoughts on this sensitive topic. 

"Whatever your struggle, my brothers and sisters—mental or emotional or physical or otherwise—do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind."

I also what to add that I truly believe that God is in the very details of our lives. You see, I was going through some hard core depression, when I was asked if the service committee wanted to help out with True Blue. The depression was so bad that it was affecting me physically, but mostly emotionally and mentally. I started having some intense thoughts of suicide and cutting myself. It scared me! I kept trying to tell myself that it was just a phase and that it will pass, but I tell you, depression is not just a phase. It's a real problem!

I did some research on this foundation to know more about it and it helped me realize that I had a problem and I needed to fix it. I was able to have the courage to confide in my mom about the issue. With her loving kindness and concern, she and my dad began to help me. I was also able to confide my problem to two of my dear friends whose concern got the Bishop involved. My Bishop has been working closely with my parents in getting me the help I need. 

I have become familiar with NAMI- National Alliance of Mental Illness. I first learned about it in a behavioral class and became even more familiar with it the past few weeks. You should totally check it out! It's very informative. 

I want you to know that if you are suffering from a mental illness or you know someone who is, there is support for you. You are loved, so very loved! It's definitely a crazy roller-coaster, but I firmly believe that you can be healed! Through the power of the atonement, I believe that we all can be healed. 

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

 12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. - Alma 7:11-12

When you feel discouraged, just remember that Jesus Christ understands how to succor you. He's walked your Gethsemane before!

Do you have a mental illness or know someone who does? What's your [or their] story? What's something you did [or do] to help you cope? Did you turn to professionals for help? What would your advice be? I'd love to do a follow up post on this topic, so please send in your stories. You can find contact info in the 'More about the Miss' page.

Check out True Blue on Facebook! You won't be disappointed! Let's all show our support and love!

--Miss Marli