30 Days

I've written about my struggle with depression and anxiety. Last week I could feel triggers of it and knew that I needed to fight it while I could. But gosh, sometimes it just really hits! I was lying in bed feeling tired and trying to fight the darkness that just wanted to take over. I received a phone notification indicating a new blog post my friend had posted and quickly went to read it. She talked about how she is reading The Book of Mormon in 30 days. It was like a light was turned on in my brain and I decided to do it.

Today marks day 5 of the challenge and I can personally testify that my battle with mental illness has been a breeze. Filling my heart and mind with goodness has been just the medicine to cure the ache inside. I'm learning more about myself, God, and Jesus Christ. The constant reminder of Gods goodness has kept me moving forward. The need for repentance has been a common theme so far and I am realizing just how much I need to continually be repenting. And while sometimes that can be overwhelming, I love that the call for repentance is always followed with a reminder of my Savior.

The goodness continues, stay tuned!

Free-write: Women's Conference

My spiritual canteen is already brimming and I have so many thoughts. A free-write if you will.

LDS General Conference has officially begun! Women's conference was absolutely stellar! I did my daily meditation beforehand, so that I could have a clear mind and heart. This conference is different for me because I actually have questions. It's so important for me to have my mind and heart in the right place, because I desire personal revelation.

It began with a bang! I only had one burning question for this session and Sister Jean B. Bingham answered that in the first two minutes! She spoke of using the light of the gospel to see others clearly. During my healing process (which you can read here and here.), it has been absolutely vital for me to see my higher self. Keeping my covenants and doing what I should be doing has been the solution. Because I've been doing this consistently, I have found that I haven't been shaming myself as often. I view myself differently. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to do my best. I prayed beforehand for ways to see others differently. What was the solution to that? Charity.

"And no one can assist in this work except he shall be humble and full of love, having faith, hope, and charity, being temperate in all things, whatsoever shall be entrusted to his care." -D&C 12:8

 Can you imagine how differently this world would be if we all had charity? It's the pure love of Christ! That's powerful! If we spoke more positively about each other and encouraged each other, I believe people would react differently. Life is hard. At the very least, we can share Christ-like love to each other. We all came here for the same purpose. It's not a race to the finish line.

Sister Bingham went on to talk about one of my very favorite things. Progression. The beauty and reality of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that anyone can improve. It's through the atonement of Jesus Christ that makes change possible. I love this truth so much, because it gives me hope. We're all trying to do our best in this life. And gosh! This life can just really suck sometimes! We're all humans having our own human experience. We struggle. We make mistakes. We're not perfect. BUT. We can consistently try to improve every single day, multiple times a day! I've personally found that God cares more that I'm sincerely trying to be better. There really can be sweetness during the bitterness of life! We were not sent here to fail! We have each other! We can embrace improvement in each other! We can love and support each other.. If we have charity, we're more kind, patient, humble, and seek the good in others. Sister Bingham encouraged us to commit to work together and to embrace the beauty in each other.

Sister Carole M. Stephens really hit it on the nail and talked about the healing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. She urged all of us to recommit ourselves to the Savior. No more hiding. No more covering our sins. No more feeling alone. Her call to repentance and commitment to God and our covenants, was so moving to me. She had such tenderness in her voice as she spoke of the atonement of Jesus Christ. She recited the sweet words that Jesus Christ spoke to the Americas:

"Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?" -3 Nephi 9:13

I've always loved this verse, because here's Jesus Christ extending an invitation for healing. And every time I read this verse, I can't help but feel the ache of His plea. He wants to heal us. He will meet us where we are and gently holds our hand through the chaos of life. You don't have to carry your burden alone. You don't have to suffer alone. You are not alone!

I've written before about how I am still finding my Savior here. The past few weeks, I've been able to find Him more. Cleansing my inner vessel can only be done properly if I turn to Him. I had to move past my selfish tendencies and cling to Him. I haven't felt lonely. In fact, I've felt the sweetness of His love. It's purifying. It's a driving force in the right direction.

Do you feel His love? Do you hear his plea to let Him heal you? My dear friends, I testify to you that your Savior, Jesus Christ wants you. He loves you. He's walked your path, felt your sweetest joys and bitter pain. The first few steps towards Him, may be hard, but I promise you that they will ultimately change your course. His love is fortifying and will strengthen you in the best way. Because of Him, you can change. You can become your higher and best self. He knows and sees the divinity within you. He will always help you. All you have to do is open the door.

My heart is literally bursting with joy as I think about the goodness of God! You know I love my God more than anything! He is my Father in Heaven and my relationship with Him means the world to me. This session of conference really hit home to me. I needed a reminder that God's perfect plan of happiness was prepared beforehand. All because of love. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf reminded me that I can't change God's will, but God will empower me to do His will. I can testify that is true, because I've personally seen this in my life recently. I've been doing hard things and making a lot of changes, because I am trusting the path he has set before me. My faith in Him has been strengthened each day as I continually choose to follow Him. Has it been easy? Absolutely not. However, my faith in His plan for me is what's keeping me going. He's never forsaken me.

Earlier this year, I went through a really hard trial. Because of my faith and love for my Heavenly Father, I was never mad at Him. I never blamed Him. I knew He had a plan for me. But gosh, it was hard! Looking back, I can clearly see how he prepared the way for me. I'm where He needs me to be. Honestly, I'm so happy where I am. I'm in a good place, because of Him.

Dear friends, I testify that your God knows and loves you. He sees you as the divine son or daughter of God that you are. You are His. Literally. He created you in His image. He created a beautiful plan of happiness all because He loves you and wants you for eternity! Like President Uchtdorf said, God will never force you to follow Him. He didn't do that in the pre-existence and He won't do that now. But He will always love you. He will always be there for you. He will always help you. You're worth it to Him. I can't really fathom the great magnitude of love He has for me, but I have felt His love and I can testify that it is so good. God is good, He is oh so good.

All good things. It's never the worst when you have God and Jesus Christ on your side! Just sayin'!

Finding My Savior

I struggle to find my Savior sometimes. I trust so fully in God that I think that is enough. Deep inside I know that I can't have one without the other. The two make an eternal pair that help me reach my eternal destiny. I try to hold on to the times where I have deeply felt His love.

The other day I was thinking about why I have such a tendency to brush Him aside. If I truly love my God and trust Him, then shouldn't I be able to fully trust my Savior? I've always heavily relied on my God to help, comfort, and provide for me. A part of me feels like if I begin to rely on Christ more, then I won't have a balanced relationship with Him and God. I know, that sounds ridiculous. Another part of me, maybe a bigger part, is that I feel unworthy of His love and mercy. (Satan is a jerk!)

I've made a goal to read the New Testament, because reading stories of Jesus and His life, seemed like the right idea. A story that has always been my favorite, is when Jesus comes to Mary and Martha as they feel deep sorrow for the loss of their brother Lazarus.

"Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.

 When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled,"

 And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see.

 Jesus wept.

 Then said the Jews, Behold how he loved him!" -John 11:32-36

 I love this raw emotion that it pained the Savior to purely see how Mary was feeling, but also that He too lost a dear friend. I best find my Savior when I too feel deep pain. It seems the older that I get, the harder the trials are and the deeper the pain has become. Through that heartache, I find Him. I imagine Him seeing me cry and He too crying with me as He did with Mary.

I'm not perfect. I'm human. But even He understands the human part of me and the joy that perfection will be if I hold true. I'll keep searching for Him daily. I'll keep trying to see His hand in my life each day.

I will always find Him, but even better, He never lost me. He has been with me the whole time. I just wasn't paying attention.

Very grateful for second, third, and millions of chances to try again and improve.

It's not the worst. All good things, my dears.

 

 

Exhausted

Breaking down barriers is something I've been working on. I build it up and burn it down. Lately the fire has burning and burning, but nothing was coming down. And when I finally gave up in frustration, a wave of emotion washed up and completely exposed my soul. I felt oddly relieved, because fighting has been exhausting.

I'm exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not. I'm tired of hiding myself. I'd normally be so focused on covering up my insecurities once they are exposed, but I just can't do it anymore.
.
I received a lot of personal revelation last week. It was beautiful and powerful. And then Satan came and kept whispering his little lies in my ear. I didn't appreciate that. The pressure was just beginning to be too much and I gave in. I crashed and burned.

Today I decided to go to the Temple. I felt exposed to the Lord, but I felt a peaceful feeling come over me as I sat there and pondered everything. I knew that God knew that I was exhausted. . I could feel my Savior, beckoning me to come unto Him. Surely in Christ there is rest for the soul. I need Him, especially now.

I'm too tired to fight. So I'll hold the Lords hand and let Him fight with me.

It's not the worst. All good things.

Plain and Precious Truths #5

"O how marvelous are the works of the Lord, and how long doth he suffer with his people." -Mosiah 8:20

These sweet words brought so much peace into my heart. We don't nor have we ever suffered alone. Even when we often feel that, we truly never were or are alone. I testify to you that your God and Savior, Jesus Christ know you. They love you. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, no one suffers alone. Ever. Christ knows you. He understands you. His love for you is priceless. "Oh sweet the joy." You are not alone, my dear friends. You are not alone.

Last entry: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/06/plain-precious-truths-4.html

Prayers for the World

I had a raw moment yesterday. There weren't any tears, but my heart became heavy. There have been two earthquakes in both Japan and Ecuador. Houston, TX has flood warnings. I took a moment to sit down and process. All those people who are facing devastation and suddenly my problems didn't matter anymore. So I've been praying for them. And not just them, but the world. Pain is real. Life happens. Sometimes the rug is snatched from under us by things out of our control. But...

there is joy and peace that come when we turn to God and our Savior, Jesus Christ. Oh how God is very aware of His children. And Jesus Christ, He understands purely how each individual feels. Especially in these times of devastation. I'll be praying more for the world. I'll be praying for those who hard hurting. Those who are facing loss. Those who are hungry and tired. Those who feel they are lacking guidance. Those who are suffering. I will pray that others may feel hope during this hard time. God bless this world and may we all take time to pray for those in need. There is strength in numbers, my friends. May we reach out to those around us who need.

General Conference Part One

I was really looking forward to conference. I prayed and fasted that I would be given some guidance in my life. I sat in my chair with a big bowl of corn flakes and was ready to roll! Elder Eyring started off with a beautiful talk that made me think about my seed of faith and whether it's buried in good soil. I've been wanting to strengthen my testimony and Elder Eyring nailed it.

I am really good with forgiving others, but when it comes to forgiving myself, that's a hard no. Elder Kevin R. Duncan spoke on forgiveness and it was a beautiful talk. He said:

"An unforgiving heart harbors so much needless pain. When we apply the healing ointment of the Savior’s Atonement, He will soften our heart and help us to change. He can heal the wounded soul."

I realized that I am holding on to so much pain that I don't need to. So I've been forgiving myself and trying to show myself love and healing. It's a journey friends.

The first session concluded with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing, "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and it was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! If there is any song to conclude a beautiful session, that song was it! The lyrics really hit home:

O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee

Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above 

I started tearing up when I heard this song, because I think it's a human part of life where we start to walk away from God. We are hurt and we want to trust Him, but sometimes our faith an trust just isn't strong enough. I know I've felt that. But when we cry out to God, He always hears us and He will reach out. This was me last week. I wanted to walk away and I started to, but I experienced so many tender mercies that kept me in His arms. I cried to God for help. And I felt like I was waiting forever. But it was really strengthening me and then the tender mercies came. And little by little, I began to pray more in praise and gratitude. And God began to lift my spirits and I was filled with overwhelming joy over the weekend. It was worth it.

Part two will be tomorrow. Bye!

Elder Eyring's Talk: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/where-two-or-three-are-gathered?lang=eng 

Elder Ducan's Talk: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/the-healing-ointment-of-forgiveness?lang=eng

All General Conference Talks: https://www.lds.org/general-conference?lang=eng

Purpose through My ministry

When Jesus Christ came to this earth, He had a purpose and fulfilled it through His ministry. That got me thinking about my purpose. I believe that all of us have a purpose to fill in this life. Of course I have a lot to learn and shoes to fill, but with God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, I believe that I'll be able to fill those shoes.

There have been changes in my life recently that have helped me take a step back and really look at myself. Who do I think I am? What do I want to do? Where do I see myself in five years? I've been realizing (especially through job rejection) that I am looking in all the wrong places. God is trying to help me understand His will for me. And I haven't a clue what that is. That's okay though. I'll get there.

I began thinking about Christ and His ministry. And that got me thinking about my personal ministry. So I started to study and immediately turned to the Bible Dictionary.

Ministry. The work of the ministry is to do the work of the Lord on the earth- to represent the Lord among the people, preach the gospel, and administer the ordinances thereof. ...Therefore what he does "according to the will of the Lord is the Lord's business."

 So then I got to thinking that my ministry was really HIS ministry. I've received several blessings that have told me about my mission in my life. That I would be a great influence in bringing others unto Christ. And I've always thought that was cool, but I would just brush it off. It would happen when it happens. It wasn't until recently that I realized that it would only happen, if I kept myself worthy to fulfill that mission.

That mission has become my ministry. And I'm not perfect nor do I feel close to being able to do any of that. So I've been turning a lot to prayer. In the heat of this trial, there's no where else I should be than in the scriptures and on my knees praying to my God for help.

All of this has helped me put a purpose to my trials and pain. A defining (and refining) purpose to help me fulfill my ministry here. Whether that's being a better friend, becoming a wife/mother- whatever. The joy of the gospel of Jesus Christ is priceless and everyone should have it! And God, everyone should know that God lives and that He and Jesus Christ love us so much.

I still have a lot ahead of me. So here I begin again, but this time with a more focused purpose to my ministry. I have a lot of refining to do. A lot of "what lack I yet" and humility. I have a lot to take to the altar of sacrifice and willing let go to follow what He wants me to do. But I believe that it's all possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

I love God. I love Him so much. And I recognize more and more that I want to live with Him again. Eternity without God just wouldn't be eternity. So here I am again, turning to Him with the Saviors hand in mine. I want leave this life feeling satisfied and fulfilled knowing that I had done His work and fulfilled my ministry. A life spent in the Lord's work may not be the easiest, but if I trust God, than I know for surety that it will be worth it.

Once upon a time, I couldn't fall asleep, because my mind was set on going running at 6 AM in this morning. So I did. And I puked in the church parking lot. What a lovely start, right? You'd think I would have just turned around and walked home. Ha, no! I said a quick prayer that God would get me through the rest of my workout and He heard my prayer. I finished the workout without dying. I had a realization that I need to treat my body better. So I prayed for forgiveness and promised God that I would do better starting today. It's never too late to make changes. You can start again. And thanks to the atonement of Jesus Christ, I can try again and again. Bonus: I've gotten through half of my to-do list and it's almost 8:30 AM. It's a good Monday! Have a great day! Jesus loves you.

P.S. If you didn't have the chance to attend the Women's Conference last Saturday night, you can go here to watch it. It was wonderful! https://www.lds.org/general-conference?lang=eng

Happy Easter!

When I was in the first grade I got in an argument with a kid in my class about whether Easter was on Saturday or Sunday. Obviously he won. But you see, I didn't understand that, because at my house the Easter bunny always came on Saturday morning. Turns out my mom was teaching us a lesson at a very young age about 1- Keeping the Sabbath Day holy and 2- Easter Sunday is about Jesus Christ. Momma Rock knows best, my friends. And I will continue to carry out this tradition with my own family.

Easter really resonates with me, because the atonement of Jesus Christ is close to my heart. I haven't really gotten super deep about sharing my testimony of Christ, because it's something that is very very dear and personal to me. I'm sure that will change someday, but for now I will just give you just a taste of my testimony of Him.

He's real. His mission was set out before He came to this world. He carried out his mission, because He loves God. And because He understood how His sacrifice would benefit all of God's children. His loves for each one of us is so personal, because He truly knows each one of us. He knows our pain and suffering. He understands how much that scrape on our knee hurt when we were five years old. And He understands how much it hurt when our hearts were broken. He truly paid the price. He wanted to. He chose to, because you and I were both worth it.

I often wish I could repay Him in full, because to me it seems like such a hard sacrfice to do. But perhaps that's what true sacrifice is. You sacrifice something, because you ultimately understand and love the purpose of it. You wouldn't even think twice about it. And while I can't pay him back, I can at least utilize His sacrifice personally in my life. He literally died, so that I could return to my God and live with him for eternity. Why wouldn't I want to live my loving Heavenly Father? You guys know how much I love Him.

If I could get on such a deep, intimate level with you guys on my honest feelings about my Savior, I would. But I think what's better is for you to do that with Him for yourself. He is real. Because of Jesus Christ, I have found new life. That's priceless!

Happy Easter, my dear friends. May your hearts be turned to your Savior, Jesus Christ during this wonderful holiday. See you next Monday!

“Turn your eyes to Gethsemane, and you will find inner strength and power to carry on and do whatever it is that faces you.”

Safe & Secure

Personal Credence: I firmly believe that following my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ will keep me safe and secure throughout all season of my life.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ (AKA Mormon Church) has sustained me through some of the hardest trials in my life. There's something about it that offers safety and security for my soul. For example, the little things you are asked to do, such as scripture study, prayer, paying tithing etc. offers a sense of security, especially during hard times.

I've been learning this AGAIN. The trials that I am facing have caused me to want to jump ship! But I haven't. I keep holding on. I choose to stay in the boat, because I know that God is at the helm. God knows me. God understands my situation and I know and trust that He is ironing out the path for me. So I cling to my scripture study. I cling to my covenants. And it sustains me through each day. God sustains me through each day. The atonement of Jesus Christ sustains me through each day.

Stay in the boat! Don't jump ship. Let God show you what He can do. Trust Him, because He wants to help you. He will help you. Jesus Christ knows you! He loves you an He will help you. Don't forget that He too as walked your path. He has felt your pain. He has felt your confusion. He also has felt your joy and He knows the joy you will have, so long as you keep yourself worthy.

Happy Friday/Weekend, my dear friends! And for those in Utah, don't forget the Provo City Center Temple Dedication THIS Sunday! May God continue to bless and watch over you, my dear friends!

To read the last Personal Credence post, read here: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2015/11/silent-conviction.html

To learn more about what sustains me, check out this link here: https://www.mormon.org/

For more information about the Provo City Center Temple, click here: https://www.lds.org/church/events/provo-city-center-temple-open-house-and-dedication?lang=eng

To read Elder M. Russell Ballard's Talks about staying in the boat, read here:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/10/stay-in-the-boat-and-hold-on?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/10/god-is-at-the-helm?lang=eng

#Hallelujah

It's truly because of Jesus Christ that I have new life! I can start again and again, because of the atonement of Jesus Christ. Dear friends, you are not alone. Jesus Christ is always there for you! He knows you. He see's you. He gets you. He loves you. And He will always rescue you! #Hallelujah

To learn more about Jesus Christ and His church click here: https://www.mormon.org/easter

Healing

I was in attendance at a Christ-Centered Healing & Meditation Conference a week ago. It was brain overload for me. I must say that the speakers are masters of their craft. Their knowledge and belief in healing was something that I struggled to understand. The first class I attended was about healing from trauma and abuse. I hesitated going because--well the title speaks for itself. I got there early and pulled out my Nancy Drew book and read. If I'm going to attend a healing conference, then you bet your bottom dollar that I will be bringing a Nancy Drew book for comfort! No excuses. No shame. 

Class started and I sat there uncomfortably towards the back. No, you can't make me move. I'm here and that's all that matters. And then she made us move forward, but I didn't budge, because there were some people behind me. She proceeded with telling us her story. I felt sorry for her and felt grateful that it wasn't me. Everyone in class was moved. You could just feel it. And see it. There were people who were moved to tears. I was not. I choked those tears down. But oh how my heart ached. And I was trying to convince myself that I was okay, because I had already dealt with all those feeling. Then the teachers gaze fell on me and she talked about the atonement of Jesus Christ and its healing power. And she stared at me and she talked. And I couldn't break the connection, no matter how hard I wanted to. Her words rang true. I could feel it all while I choked down those tears. I wasn't going to budge--not even for her. Not even if I knew how true her words were.

Class ended and I felt the strong hustle come over. I wanted to leave. I wanted to cry. I wanted to stay and learn. I wanted to pray. I didn't want to pray. I wanted to shout out in anger. My emotions were all over the place. I needed time to process. Of course, you couldn't tell. (Or maybe you could tell, because I was surrounded by Empaths and energy professionals.)  I kept my face emotionless and smiled as little as I could. I gave hugs to people who offered them--even that was hard, because I don't like touch. 

I survived the conference. It really was so good. Brain overload. I needed time to process everything. My brain couldn't do it. It was at battle with my emotions. The battle was like this:

You need to let your emotions speak.

No.

Emotional releasing is good. Triggers are good.

No.

Stop being stubborn.

Don't tell me what to do.

You know all of this is true. You know you can be healed.

I know. I just--I just can't. 

Stop being prideful and let go.

I will eventually.

You're probably thinking about how stubborn I am. And I am. But I can tell you that I am meditating. I am praising God more. I am praying more. I am being more grateful and thanking God for His kindness. I am doing what I was taught. I'm processing while I attempt something new. If there is anything I've learned is that God is still there and the atonement of Jesus Christ is still available to me whenever I need or want it. I'm learning. Slowly. And that's okay. It's not a race. What matters is that I'm learning. I'm healing. I'm coming closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I'm strengthening my relationship with God. It's all okay. I'm okay.

Connected to Him

I had a small moment of gratitude for my Savior, Jesus Christ last Sunday. I was feeling all sorts of emotions and anxiety. I felt so disconnected from the people around me, my family, and myself. So when the sacrament came around, I really wasn't feeling it. And then I realized why it's important to take the sacrament. It's a time where I can so intimately and deeply connect with Him. That changed my whole perception and I partook. I felt so deeply connected to my Savior. It was a humbling experience that brought a lot of peace to my hear. It was a small moment, but it really testified to me how important my Savior is to me. He knows me, He knows my pain and my joy. He gets it. I'm so eternally grateful that I can connect to Him. I've posted a video below of violinist and YouTuber Lindsey Stirling. I love this video, especially her sweet testimony of Jesus Christ at the end. Enjoy! Merry Christmas!!!

Love Letters #6

"I've bee thinking a lot about myself lately. Not in the selfish sense, but more so in the sense that I want to love myself. It's hard, because I know my flaws and I see my curves. I'm trying to be chain breaker, but breaking 25 years worth of self-loathing is hard. But I'm trying. I only take one day at a time, because that's all that I'm given. While I do want to be beautiful for you, I first want to be beautiful to me. I'm accepting myself as the imperfect human being that I am. I believe in change. I believe in God. I believe in using the atonement everyday. I'm not perfect at loving myself, but I can say that I'm more accepting of myself the more I work at it. I'm not changing for you. I'm changing for me. And I think that's a big part of love. To not only be better, but to consistently trying to be better. Being more accepting of myself helps me be more accepting of you and others. I love you."

***
Read here for the last love letter, you know, if that's your thing.

A look through the Divine

Self-loathing is real thing. I can't tell you how many times I can look at myself and hate the girl looking back. I see the extra fat, the tired eyes, crazy hair, and fake smile. And when I'm not looking at the mirror, I can rip her apart and really hate the girl inside. I see her demons, failures, trials, and mistakes. Never worthy of joy or love.

I had moment the other day. A father/daughter moment if you will. Through loving chastisement, I was once again, reminded of my identity. I have forgotten who I truly am and where I came from. I took a long look in the mirror and this sweet reminder sparked a desire to change.

God is a Father. He embodies love and mercy. It pains Him to see me hate myself; a daughter that He created in His own image. Through that love and mercy, He sent His son, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ knows the very hate I feel, because he too, has felt that rage of self-loathing. And because He has felt this, He has paved the way of healing and love. He made change possible, so that I could look at myself with love. He made change possible, so that I could see who I truly am.

I am imperfect. I make mistakes. I have inner demons I deal with. But I am a daughter of a King. He is a Father and one that I hold very dear to my heart. He loves all of me. He see's me as a beautiful Queen. He knows my potential and knows how to help me reach it.

Take a look through the eyes of The Divine. You'll see wonders and feel the warmth of love. Oh how different we would be if we could grasp this knowledge and use it. And we can. With discipline and use of the atonement, we can. We'll be able to see the Kings and Queens within ourselves. We are meant to be royal, for that is who we are.

I practice now looking at the girl in the mirror and learning to see her as He does. And with that comes love. If He loves her, then I surely can. I can love all of her, for she is divine and full of worth.

"And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and sickness of his people.

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmitites, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. -Alma 7:11-12 

Weak to Strong

Personal Credence # 2:

I think it's okay to be weak, because God always makes weak things strong.

***

I don't think weakness is bad. It's healthy to know and understand that we as human beings are imperfect. Imperfections can be meaningful learning moments. I don't think anyone should feel like being weak is a sign of failure. Everyone- EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING, can change. Weakness can be catalyst for change. It can make you better! Recognizing that you are imperfect, can be a beautiful revelation. It can push you to simply try again or try something different. Let your weaknesses bloom into something better. All the best people grow from their weaknesses. You were born to be great.

Now let's talk about God. I believe in God. I believe that God knows me so perfectly. I know He knows my imperfections. He knows my shortcomings. But oh how He loves me even with my imperfections. 

As a member of the Mormon faith, I recently had the opportunity to go through the Temple. It was that day that I realized that this perfect God wanted to be bound to His imperfect daughter. God has been a source of love and light in my life. I've had many moments when God has continued to bless me, even when I mess up. 

You see, I have had my share of trials. I am the type of person who makes lists of all her flaws. I used to look at my imperfections as a road block. I couldn't see how to get across them. I can't tell you how many times the "independent woman" inside of me, comes out and tries to get across that block or avoid it. When I started gaining a relationship with God, I slowly began to see how my imperfections weren't permanent road blocks. They were blocks that needed time to get through. 

Through the atonement of Jesus Christ and the help from a loving God, I have been able to cross some very hard road blocks. I've been able to change the way I think about myself and my imperfections. I've learned (and re-learned) that I can do hard things. God and Jesus Christ have been the best source of help. They aid me in every way they can and they re-ignite the fire of faith and hope in me. 

I'm not perfect. I will never perfect in this life. However, I am so grateful that I can try again and again and until I get make my weaknesses strong. God always makes weak things strong and it is up to us to turn to Him and Jesus Christ to become strong. 

It's okay to be weak. You can change. You can do hard things. You can cross the road blocks. Take your time. Changing weaknesses needs time. They will grow, if you try. God lives and so does His son, Jesus Christ and they will help you. You were born to be great. You were born to thrive. You can reach your full potential. You are a child of God and He loves you. He loves the imperfect you.

It's okay to be weak. It's okay!

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." -Ether 12:27

A Personal Interview

This last Sunday, Elder M Russell Ballard came to talk to fourteen YSA stakes in the valley at the BYU Marriot Center. His loving concern and bold remarks really hit me. (In the best way of course.) He counseled each one of us to take some time to be alone and have a personal interview with ourselves. He asked to make a list of those things that we know we need to repent of and change. He asked us to think about where we see ourselves in six months. He then asked us to make goals for ourselves, so that we can make those necessary changes and to be where we see ourselves in six months from now. He then re-iterated the importance of our righteous intentions:

What are your true intentions and desires of your heart?

This question sunk deep down into my heart and I sat there and thought about it. I had never really thought about them up until then.

Later that afternoon, I did exactly what Elder Ballard asked and had my personal interview. I made my lists and prayerfully set my goals. It felt so good to be able to take a step back and re-align myself with God's will. It felt so good to be vulnerable to the Lord. It felt so good to ponder about the desires and intentions of my heart and to see how those will affect my goals.

I made a goal that needed to be done by Tuesday. I told my roommate about it and made a commitment to getting it done. It was huge step for me. One that I really didn't want to make. And boy did Satan work so hard on me. I let fear overcome me and I started rationalizing why I shouldn't take this step. I then immediately went to a dear friend of mine who gave me a blessing. Oh how I cherish each Priesthood blessing that I receive. Those blessings (especially now) are much needed. As he put his hands on my head, I felt instant peace wash over me. God reminded me the "special work" that was in store for me and asked me to continue in faith as I begin the walk into the unknown. After the blessing, I courageously did what I needed to do. Not only was I able to accomplish my first goal, but I made huge progress. I couldn't help but smile as I sat there at my desk, knowing that I had done what God asked me to do.

Since then, the unknown has been dark, but as I've been filling myself with God's light and keep the eternal perspective, it's carried me through it. I invite you to do as Elder Ballard counseled. Take that time to evaluate where you are and where you want to be. What changes do you need to make? What are your true intentions and desires of your heart?

The Lord is hastening His work. He needs all of us to help Him. I firmly believe that the Lord has something special for each one of His children to do here on earth. He needs you ready, so when the time is right, He can call upon you to do His will. If for some reason you feel like you're not ready or even worthy, then I say start now. "You can do it now!" as Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf boldly said. The atonement is easily and readily accessible. This is something that I have been recognizing in my own life. Ever since I decided to use it in my life, it has begun to make a difference.

"We acknowledge that your path will at times be difficult. But I give you this promise in the name of the Lord: rise up and follow in the footsteps of our Redeemer and Savior, and one day you will look back and be filled with eternal gratitude that you chose to trust the Atonement and its power to lift you up and give you strength." -Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf "You can do it now!"

I hope your week is going well and that God is continuing to pour out His love and blessings to you. Also, Jesus loves you.

True Blue

Dear Readers,

As I promised earlier, I wanted to tell you about this lovely foundation called True Blue! It's this awesome foundation that raises "suicide awareness, prevention, and grief support."

A wonderful girl in my ward brought this to my attention and asked if the service committee wanted to be a part of her special project. This was her family foundation. How could I turn down this awesome opportunity?

Though I didn't know Ethan Empey personally, I know his lovely sister. She is such a wonderful, bright young woman! And I can only imagine that her brother was just as great as she is! After reading up on her brother, I was touched by the person that he was.

The 'Blue' in True Blue stands for the following:

Be Loving Understanding Empathetic

According to family and friends, Ethan exemplified these characteristics during his life. Wow! Talk about awesome characteristics! Way to be an example, Ethan!

One thing that really struck me with this foundation, was their awareness to mental illness. The support that they offer to those who suffer with it or have a loved one who is suffering with it, is incredible! They really reach out!

This immediately got me thinking about Elder Jeffrey R. Hollands talk, Like A Broken Vessel. He so gently expressed his thoughts on this sensitive topic. 

"Whatever your struggle, my brothers and sisters—mental or emotional or physical or otherwise—do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind."

I also what to add that I truly believe that God is in the very details of our lives. You see, I was going through some hard core depression, when I was asked if the service committee wanted to help out with True Blue. The depression was so bad that it was affecting me physically, but mostly emotionally and mentally. I started having some intense thoughts of suicide and cutting myself. It scared me! I kept trying to tell myself that it was just a phase and that it will pass, but I tell you, depression is not just a phase. It's a real problem!

I did some research on this foundation to know more about it and it helped me realize that I had a problem and I needed to fix it. I was able to have the courage to confide in my mom about the issue. With her loving kindness and concern, she and my dad began to help me. I was also able to confide my problem to two of my dear friends whose concern got the Bishop involved. My Bishop has been working closely with my parents in getting me the help I need. 

I have become familiar with NAMI- National Alliance of Mental Illness. I first learned about it in a behavioral class and became even more familiar with it the past few weeks. You should totally check it out! It's very informative. 

I want you to know that if you are suffering from a mental illness or you know someone who is, there is support for you. You are loved, so very loved! It's definitely a crazy roller-coaster, but I firmly believe that you can be healed! Through the power of the atonement, I believe that we all can be healed. 

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

 12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. - Alma 7:11-12

When you feel discouraged, just remember that Jesus Christ understands how to succor you. He's walked your Gethsemane before!

Do you have a mental illness or know someone who does? What's your [or their] story? What's something you did [or do] to help you cope? Did you turn to professionals for help? What would your advice be? I'd love to do a follow up post on this topic, so please send in your stories. You can find contact info in the 'More about the Miss' page.

Check out True Blue on Facebook! You won't be disappointed! Let's all show our support and love!

--Miss Marli

Fall brings change

Can I just tell you how beautiful the leaves are right now? I had the pleasure of venturing up the canyon with some dear friends one Sunday afternoon. The view was spectacular! I love fall! The change has been breathtaking.

I was walking to work and noticed how much more vibrant the mountains looked. I then had a thought that has been simmering on my mind all day. I had been thinking about the changes that I am going through in my life and thought it was ironic that this was going on during the same time as the seasonal change. 

This really got me thinking that change is a byproduct of the atonement of Jesus Christ. One cannot truly use the atonement in their life and not change.

Change [cheynj]: To Transform or Convert (source)

It's that conversion process that transforms one to be a better person than they were before. I then started thinking about my conversion story. It's not this grand story--not yet anyways. It's happening right now. I'm still in the beginning stages. What I've learned remembered, is that the atonement is real. I don't know or understand every little detail that it entails, but gradual process has been bringing light into my life. That's just a beginning. 

I have a love for President James E. Faust who said:

"If we will turn to the Lord and believe on His name, we can change. He will give us the power to change our lives, the power to put away bad thoughts and feelings from our hearts. We can be taken from “the darkest abyss” to “behold the marvelous light of God” -The Power to Change (source)

 Wow! No wonder Jesus Christ holds the title 'Savior'. It's fitting, isn't it? This change brings light. Light brings joy. Not only that, but how cool is it that we have the ability to change ourselves? With His divine help, we can change. I've struggled wrapping my mind around this lately, just because I am impatient and want immediate results. However, that hasn't stopped me from giving up. I have hope that I'll one day reap the reward of being who God wants me to become. I believe that will change me for the better.

What's your conversion story? Are you going through it just like me? Are you seeing changes being made into your life? Are you struggling through it? Do you feel like you've been tested to your limits? If this is you, the my message is to you (as well as myself):

(Source)

And as Elder Jeffrey R. Holland firmly put it:

"DON'T YOU GIVE UP! DON'T YOU QUIT! You keep walking. You keep trying. There is happiness and help ahead...It will be all right in the end. TRUST GOD and believe in good things to come!" -Good Things to Come (Source)