A question I've been asking myself all week. What am I doing? Imagine me face planted on the floor. Like Sadness from Inside Out. I feel like I'm emotionally hustling for something. Is it acceptance? Is it belonging? Is it validation? I don't know. But I feel weird. I feel like I'm just running around in a thick cloud of fog. Sometimes I feel like Wonder Woman when she takes a moment, closes her eyes and faces the sky. Composure as I call it. I just have to take a deep breath and bask in that very moment to put myself together. Every night, I will lay very still and feel myself breathe while my mind takes its time to slow down. Maybe this is why I need to meditate more? Or do yoga? I don't know, but whatever it is, I need to find some more peace.
Healing is an ongoing process. And I do believe the full complete healing is possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ. But it is still a process. I feel like a took a few steps back this weekend. Not allowing myself to think of certain things and trying to keep my heart and mind centered. But sometimes the fight is hard and I am tired. You just have to sit with your feelings no matter how painful and let those emotions move within me. I sink deep within my body and mind and take deep breaths. I am focused on what the pain is and calling upon divine help, because I know that I can't do it alone. This is hard for me. I don't like emotion and feeling most of the time. Most times I wish that I could just pull my spirit out of my body for a few minutes. But I know that in order to become like our Savior and to deeply connect with others, I need to connect with myself first.
A tinge of pain settled in unexpectedly today, so I pocketed that emotion away for a few hours so I could process. I know this is a test from God. How will Marlisa handle pain and disappointment? Well, Lord, I will focus on other things. I'm diving deep into my business. Putting my free time towards that. I'm learning a lot about myself through this process, so it's been good for me. If I want to be successful, I have to put in the work. Goals are being made an I just go to work.
Next week, I'm off to Zion's National Park for some needed getaway time. I'll also be visiting family, so all good things are in my future. I'm focusing on other areas of my life that I've neglected. I just push through, but this time in healthier ways. This is good release process for me. And healing always comes. I just have to take one day at a time.
I was in a terribly bad mood late last night and I had absolutely no desire to talk to God about it. I mean, I obviously attempted, but nothing was coming. Between the hours of 3:00-4:00 AM, has been the best time for God and I to talk. I'd say it happens probably once a week or so when I pour my heart out to him. I was too exhausted last night and told God that if He woke me up during our usual hour, I would talk to Him.
So He did just that.
3:17 was the time that I was woken up and I reluctantly sat up. I talked out loud, because really, who's going to hear me at that hour? The more I talked, the more confused I became. It didn't help that I wasn't in the mood to talk. The problem with feeling 'meh' is that I can't figure out how I truly feel. It' makes it hard for me to navigate the root of the problem. When I finished talking, I ended it with the most sincere prayer that I could muster. My head hit that pillow and I was out.
I've been feeling a lot lately. Mixed emotions about a lot of different aspects of my life and I feel like I am drowning. Like last night. Drowning in my own emotions until numbness comes. It's dangerous.
Triggers. Sometimes I will feel triggered by something and that causes a lot of confusion. Underneath that confusion is a thick, gooey layer of pain. A mess that I don't want to trudge through.
Fear of abandonment.
No reciprocation.
Needs not met
Self conscious
Trust broken
Abuse
Self sabotage
Just a few things that were triggered. Some more than others. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate how I feel. I hate how I perceive myself and others. I hate how tired I feel, because it's so mentally and emotional taxing.
And back to that gooey layer. It's a thick black mixture. Bittersweet to the taste. Its sticky, grainy texture clings to you. It coats you well, because even if you try to wipe it off, it gets everywhere. (This makes me think of Candyland.)
So I'm pulling things apart. I can't live this way. I need to deal with this layer of pain. I'm writing my feelings out on napkins, ripped corners of paper, post it notes- anything! Praying and scripture study has become harder, but I force myself. I believe that God recognizes my efforts even though they seem so insignificant.
And even with all of this, I still firmly say, it's not the worst.
We each were feeling the sting of being heart broken. We were young. Early twenties. Very different, but vibrant women. We gathered in the cold, dimly lit parking garage, huddled over the grate, each clinging to a picture. One by one we each held our photo and said our goodbyes. We burned those pictures to symbolize our letting go. Ice cream and Taylor Swift's "Picture To Burn" was the celebration of our new found freedom.
Fast forward five years.
I look back and think how dramatic and unnecessary that was. (Although proud we never got caught.) In the moment though, it felt real. I was so young and naive. I had no idea then what I would soon go up against. No more burning pictures. No Taylor Swift to sing my feelings. No ice cream to soothe the pain.
I release my pain differently. I'm a little wiser now. I'm closer to my God and Savior, Jesus Christ. I cry a lot more. Sometimes I eat my feelings, but most times I forget to eat. Who knows what I'll change in the next five years. But for now, this is my reality and how I deal.
When I deeply desire to do the Lord's will, I feel myself begin to unravel. Rawfully exposed is my biggest fear. To be deeply seen terrifies me and I will abandon ship. Fear of abandonment is strong and I just can't bring myself to risk anything.
So then God started hinting at me of things to come. More and more I've realized the need to allow myself to be seen. That scares me. The idea of exposing myself to someone was always saved for my husband- whoever that may be. I first have to find someone who as kind, thoughtful, and caring and oh so patient. That seems like a dream to me. Ugh, but then God kept poking at me to open up.
I've been opening up little by little. I wasn't about to go full tornado on everyone and just let chaos loose. No. I need to feel safe and grounded, before I could share myself. Even in the smallest way. If I don't fee safe, I will abandon ship. I can sense if someone is genuinely present or not. I know what it feels like to have someone emotionally detached and physically vanish. I admit, I have done the same thing. I promised myself that as I wouldn't do that anymore. I would genuinely be present. I wouldn't jump ship before, after, or during those moments of exposure. It's hard, but it feels unusually calm.
"Arise and come forth unto me, that ye may thrust your hands into my side, and also that ye may feel the prints of the nails in my hands and in my feet, that ye may know that I am the God of Israel, and the God of the whole earth, and have been slain for the sins of the world."
"And it came to pass that the multitude went forth, and thrust their hands into his side, and did feel the prints of the nails in his hands and in his feet; and this they did do, going forth one by one until they had all gone forth, and did see with their eyes and did feel with their hands, and did know of a surety and did bear record, that it was he, of whom." - 3 Nephi 11:14-15
It's one thing to see something, but a completely different experience to feel it. In His glory, he willing exposed Himself in such a way that people could touch and feel His marks. Each mark symbolizing the greatest sacrifice of love. Everyone in the multitude got to witness Him in such a unique way. Going before Him and literally feeling those marks.
I tried to imagine this for myself. He freely opens Himself to me, beckoning me to feel those marks of love. Because I'm stubborn, I just look at them. His invitation never closes. He still beckons me over. So I take a few steps forward, then a few more until I am inches away. Like the multitude, He asks me to touch His wounds. I reach out tracing those marks ever so gently as a wave of emotion takes over me.There's no way anyone could ever feel those marks without feeling His love.
When I feel broken inside and those pieces are scattered on the ground, He comes. He comes and picks up those pieces with His wounded hands. Those parts of me that I fear will never be mended, He heals with His love. And it doesn't matter how many times I feel broken, He will always be there to heal me.
I'm still finding my Savior in different aspects of my life. He's still there and I guess that's all that matters. I'm still feeling and connecting with His wounds. Funny how I keep finding healing in those wounds.
A roller-coaster has literally been the thrill of my emotions. Up and down. And yet, on the outside, I'm cool like cucumber. I stepped off that roller-coaster for a few days. Numb. Then blink, I'm back on. Life. It gets ya, sometimes. It doesn't slow down. It just keeps going and catching up is tricky.
In the dark of the night, I sat there in her chair and propped my feet up on the ottoman. (I'm chair sitting for a few days for my friend.) I sat there as past trauma re-surfaced. It was unexpected and felt like someone had knocked the breath out of me.
No tears. Absolutely no tears. Just pain.
I wanted to abandon myself. Go numb and not have a care in the world. But I couldn't. I had to feel and process. I began to speak to myself with love:
I am daughter of the most Divine. I am a experiencing a moment that will help me become more like my Father in Heaven. It's okay for me to feel the pain right now. This is a process. I am not weak. Broken hearts will be mended. I am a Queen. I can do hard things with grace! I am loved.
I am tired of shaming myself when I begin to feel the pain of trauma. Giving up just pushes me back. It's not worth it to me. But I'm worth moving past it. I don't need to allow those feelings to make me feel defeated.. I'm worth more than that.
I struggle to find my Savior sometimes. I trust so fully in God that I think that is enough. Deep inside I know that I can't have one without the other. The two make an eternal pair that help me reach my eternal destiny. I try to hold on to the times where I have deeply felt His love.
The other day I was thinking about why I have such a tendency to brush Him aside. If I truly love my God and trust Him, then shouldn't I be able to fully trust my Savior? I've always heavily relied on my God to help, comfort, and provide for me. A part of me feels like if I begin to rely on Christ more, then I won't have a balanced relationship with Him and God. I know, that sounds ridiculous. Another part of me, maybe a bigger part, is that I feel unworthy of His love and mercy. (Satan is a jerk!)
I've made a goal to read the New Testament, because reading stories of Jesus and His life, seemed like the right idea. A story that has always been my favorite, is when Jesus comes to Mary and Martha as they feel deep sorrow for the loss of their brother Lazarus.
"Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.
When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled,"
And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see.
Jesus wept.
Then said the Jews, Behold how he loved him!" -John 11:32-36
I love this raw emotion that it pained the Savior to purely see how Mary was feeling, but also that He too lost a dear friend. I best find my Savior when I too feel deep pain. It seems the older that I get, the harder the trials are and the deeper the pain has become. Through that heartache, I find Him. I imagine Him seeing me cry and He too crying with me as He did with Mary.
I'm not perfect. I'm human. But even He understands the human part of me and the joy that perfection will be if I hold true. I'll keep searching for Him daily. I'll keep trying to see His hand in my life each day.
I will always find Him, but even better, He never lost me. He has been with me the whole time. I just wasn't paying attention.
Very grateful for second, third, and millions of chances to try again and improve.
"Behold, thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou art an elect lady, whom I have called."
"Murmur not because of the things which thou has not see, for they are withheld from thee and from the world, which is wisdom in me in a time to come."
"And the office of thy calling shall be for a comfort unto my servant, Joseph Smith, Jun., thy husband, in his afflictions, with consoling words, in the spirit of meekness."
-D&C 25 3-5
Emma Smith is one of the women that I look up to. She's a strong woman who endured through much pain and affliction. I can't imagine being in her shoes and having to carry the burdens that she had. I love this chapter in Doctrine and Covenants, because it was revelation specifically for her. I had a tender moment as I read this chapter, because it I could feel the love that God had specifically for her. God saw her as His precious daughter. Amongst all the pain she went through, God was with her.
I absolutely adored that she was called to be a comfort to her husband. Seriously, relationship goals right there. More than anything, I desire to be there for my (future) husband to love and support him. Emma was a solid example of that as she supported Joseph Smith through such horrendous times. I believe Emma is an example of continuing to follow the Lord, even through so much heartache. She truly is an elect lady and one that I admire so deeply.
Breaking down barriers is something I've been working on. I build it up and burn it down. Lately the fire has burning and burning, but nothing was coming down. And when I finally gave up in frustration, a wave of emotion washed up and completely exposed my soul. I felt oddly relieved, because fighting has been exhausting.
I'm exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not. I'm tired of hiding myself. I'd normally be so focused on covering up my insecurities once they are exposed, but I just can't do it anymore.
.
I received a lot of personal revelation last week. It was beautiful and powerful. And then Satan came and kept whispering his little lies in my ear. I didn't appreciate that. The pressure was just beginning to be too much and I gave in. I crashed and burned.
Today I decided to go to the Temple. I felt exposed to the Lord, but I felt a peaceful feeling come over me as I sat there and pondered everything. I knew that God knew that I was exhausted. . I could feel my Savior, beckoning me to come unto Him. Surely in Christ there is rest for the soul. I need Him, especially now.
I'm too tired to fight. So I'll hold the Lords hand and let Him fight with me.
This quote just gets me. Changes are coming. Some days I feel like I accomplished everything and then some. And other days, the idea of even getting out of bed is just way too real. Life happens. I take one day at a time, because I honestly have no idea how that particular day will go. But when change is happening, my emotions are all over the place. I'm human. This is life. This is change.
...was not by best day. Tired eyes. Tired brain. I hate the feeling of being tired. I'm literally running on 10 hours of sleep since Sunday. I've noticed how frustrated and disappointed I am when I come home from work recently. I feel stupid and insecure. But today. Today was the day. I just wasn't understanding as quickly as I usually do. I was on the verge of tears all day. I left work and came home to a good ugly cry. Tomorrow's another day to try again. But tonight, I will cry myself to sleep.
It's not the worst. All good things. This is life.
Early Sunday morning at about 2:15, I got out of bed and read my Patriarchal Blessing. I was on a spiritual high after feeling angry at God all weekend. Yes. You read correctly. I was angry at God this last weekend. And I hated the feeling. I hate feeling angry, but even more, I hated feeling angry towards my God. Anyways, I got out of bed at 2:15 after having watched the movie Christian Mingle. (Yeah, I watched that movie and I liked it so bite me!)
Long story short, girl signs up for the dating website Christian Mingle, fakes being Christian, meets cute Christian guy, guy finds out, GIRL FINDS GOD AND JESUS, girl and guy fall in love. Amen. Hallelujah. Forever and ever. Whatever.
...so I got out of bed at 2:15 after having watched this movie, because I felt like that girl. Angry at God. Crying. (For the record, I wasn't angry that I am single. I'm serious) I chose to read my Patriarchal Blessing because I wanted to read something personal. An idea came to my my mind to write down every time it talked about God and His role in MY life. Pretty much everything started with "your Father in Heaven". I've read my Patriarchal Blessing so many times, but this time was different. This blessing truly came from my Father in Heaven. His role in my life is so very personal. I realized this
during this experience. His counsel spans from responsibility and potential to finding my love, future family, and my calling here in this life. He promised me that even in the times I feel alone, He is there.
It was this moment that I deeply saw God as my Father. I needed my Father more than anything during that weekend. The bitterness I felt began to fade. I knelt down in sincere prayer and asked my Father in Heaven for His forgiveness.
God isn't just God. He is our Father. That's a relationship worth having and cherishing. You'd be surprised just how much He is a part of your life whether you recognize it or not.
I had a realization the other day why wood is significant to me. I always thought it was because I grew up with parents who built their own houses and would spend much time around framed wood. However, I realized that wood is easily burns. It burns quickly. I like the idea that you can build something frame by frame, but if needed, you can burn it down and fast. And if it comes to it, you can build it again. As it is with my relationships with others and things that I do.
I realized how unhealthy this is. Now I know and now I can press forward.
I had one of those days where work and my brain just weren't friends. I felt like I was asking stupid questions. I was tired. My stomach was growling, my head was throbbing, and I just wished I was home. We all have these kinds of days. We're all human. I've just felt very--blah, lately. I feel stressed and stuck and confused and frustrated. I keep telling myself that I just need to make it to June and the majority of my stress will go away. I'm trying to stay focused. It's like I have all of the things that I need to figure out and then there's God on the sidelines waving His arms telling me to follow Him.
Wait. Why is God on the sidelines? He shouldn't be. He should be right next to me. And Jesus on the other side and all my friends and family in front and back of me. And really, that's where the all are.
"I think being vulnerable for me has become an act of love. I say this, because I can be a very closed off type of gal. I locked my secrets behind a door. And I'm really good at hiding them. When I share a very vulnerable part of me, it's because I deeply love and trust you. That's how you'll know that I love you. Your kindness, love, and openness will show me that you love me. If you're going to have me, you're going to have all of me. And that is a lot! But if I can count on you as my confidant, first sounding board, kind, thoughtful, and caring husband, then being vulnerable with you is worth it. Because I want to be that for you. I want to be there for you and love you. I want to accept all of you- flaws included! I want to stand with you through all seasons of life. And when we reach that eternal destiny, everything we endured together will be worth it. That's deep love to me."
Meditation helps me face the natural man in me. Meditation requires me to push through my natural man instincts and focus. I was hesitant to jump on the bandwagon, because it seemed so iffy. And I associated it with yoga. And I hate yoga with a fiery passion. I've done a grand job at distracting myself that it has made it so much harder for me to focus. But I continue to face and fight the natural man, because doing it helps me tap into my spirit. It brings me back home.
I believe that the more we face and fight through our natural man is a becoming process. We tap into our true spirits. That spirit reminds us how good we are and how great our potential is. That can be a driving force for us to become the person God intends us to be. That's becoming.
