Free-write: Late Night Thoughts (part 2)

It's night time and my corner of the world is quiet, so a free write if you will.

Everyone heals differently. I've been coming across many individuals who strike me with so much strength as they endure hard trials. Their way of healing intrigues me. Some turned to religion. Others turned to therapy. Some even put forth all their energy into making their dreams come true. All of these things are great. 

I've always believed that true healing comes through the atonement of Jesus Christ. And I still do. That's what works for me. But I've had this admiration for anyone who has healed by other means and have found so much joy. Good on you! Everyone is uniquely different and healing comes in different forms. Everyone deserves to be so deeply happy in this life! And when you truly find it, don't let go!

Free-write: Late Night Thoughts

It's nearly one o'clock in the morning and the dark silence carries on into the wee hours of the night. Here I sit tap-tap-tapping out this post letting the words flow as they may, A free-write if you will.

I'm grateful that it is now November. I love the closing of the year. I love the holidays, especially Thanksgiving. I love family time. I love the transition from fall to winter. I love preparing for and welcoming the new year.

I'm not where I thought I would be at the beginning of 2016, but I praise God for where I'm at now. I feel like I'm becoming more true to myself and tapping into my higher self. I'm seeing things in a different sense. I'm (slowly) embracing myself. I've had my share of bad days, but the good ones always outweigh the bad.

Lately, I've been saying out loud the words, "I forgive myself." I think it's about time I start forgiving myself. It's hard, but I force those three words out. There's power in being vocal. I've also found this when I read my scriptures out loud. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but I feel something different, when I can hear myself voice my forgiveness or reading my scriptures.

I feel like I've taken all the compartments in my brain and dumped the contents out into a big pile. It's messy and there are so many bibs and bobs mixed in with the important things. I'm re-organizing everything. It's overwhelming. It requires lots of naps too. I'm recalling old memories that bring the sweetest joy or the deepest pain. I guess you could say, I'm re-wiring the way my brain functions.

With a new year, comes the unknown. What will accomplish next year? What trials will I face? Blah, blah, blah! I have a love/hate for the unknown. I don't want to think about it, but then I have to think about it, so I can come up with a game plan. Anxiety is too real for me. I like to be prepared for the absolute worst, so it doesn't come as a surprise.

Then there's the election. Don't get me started on that.

Late night thoughts are scattered. It's not the worst.

Free-write: The In-between

A dreary Monday it has been and here I am snuggled up with a mug of hot chocolate taking in the last hours of the day. I've been thinking a lot about the in-between. I guess you could call it the waiting period. Just waiting. So to fill this dark in-between, I've been immersing myself in reading. If you could only see the stacks of books on my shelf waiting to be read. Three piles to be exact.

Sometimes I feel really frustrated, because impatience is a real thing. Impatience brings a lot of doubt. Or perhaps it's the opposite. Doubt brings a lot of impatience. I don't know. I'm learning how to push away the doubt and shake the impatient feeling. It's not always easy, but I'd say it's been a journey. I want to be less impulsive and more patient and open.

It's not the worst.

Free-write: Women's Conference

My spiritual canteen is already brimming and I have so many thoughts. A free-write if you will.

LDS General Conference has officially begun! Women's conference was absolutely stellar! I did my daily meditation beforehand, so that I could have a clear mind and heart. This conference is different for me because I actually have questions. It's so important for me to have my mind and heart in the right place, because I desire personal revelation.

It began with a bang! I only had one burning question for this session and Sister Jean B. Bingham answered that in the first two minutes! She spoke of using the light of the gospel to see others clearly. During my healing process (which you can read here and here.), it has been absolutely vital for me to see my higher self. Keeping my covenants and doing what I should be doing has been the solution. Because I've been doing this consistently, I have found that I haven't been shaming myself as often. I view myself differently. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to do my best. I prayed beforehand for ways to see others differently. What was the solution to that? Charity.

"And no one can assist in this work except he shall be humble and full of love, having faith, hope, and charity, being temperate in all things, whatsoever shall be entrusted to his care." -D&C 12:8

 Can you imagine how differently this world would be if we all had charity? It's the pure love of Christ! That's powerful! If we spoke more positively about each other and encouraged each other, I believe people would react differently. Life is hard. At the very least, we can share Christ-like love to each other. We all came here for the same purpose. It's not a race to the finish line.

Sister Bingham went on to talk about one of my very favorite things. Progression. The beauty and reality of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that anyone can improve. It's through the atonement of Jesus Christ that makes change possible. I love this truth so much, because it gives me hope. We're all trying to do our best in this life. And gosh! This life can just really suck sometimes! We're all humans having our own human experience. We struggle. We make mistakes. We're not perfect. BUT. We can consistently try to improve every single day, multiple times a day! I've personally found that God cares more that I'm sincerely trying to be better. There really can be sweetness during the bitterness of life! We were not sent here to fail! We have each other! We can embrace improvement in each other! We can love and support each other.. If we have charity, we're more kind, patient, humble, and seek the good in others. Sister Bingham encouraged us to commit to work together and to embrace the beauty in each other.

Sister Carole M. Stephens really hit it on the nail and talked about the healing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. She urged all of us to recommit ourselves to the Savior. No more hiding. No more covering our sins. No more feeling alone. Her call to repentance and commitment to God and our covenants, was so moving to me. She had such tenderness in her voice as she spoke of the atonement of Jesus Christ. She recited the sweet words that Jesus Christ spoke to the Americas:

"Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?" -3 Nephi 9:13

I've always loved this verse, because here's Jesus Christ extending an invitation for healing. And every time I read this verse, I can't help but feel the ache of His plea. He wants to heal us. He will meet us where we are and gently holds our hand through the chaos of life. You don't have to carry your burden alone. You don't have to suffer alone. You are not alone!

I've written before about how I am still finding my Savior here. The past few weeks, I've been able to find Him more. Cleansing my inner vessel can only be done properly if I turn to Him. I had to move past my selfish tendencies and cling to Him. I haven't felt lonely. In fact, I've felt the sweetness of His love. It's purifying. It's a driving force in the right direction.

Do you feel His love? Do you hear his plea to let Him heal you? My dear friends, I testify to you that your Savior, Jesus Christ wants you. He loves you. He's walked your path, felt your sweetest joys and bitter pain. The first few steps towards Him, may be hard, but I promise you that they will ultimately change your course. His love is fortifying and will strengthen you in the best way. Because of Him, you can change. You can become your higher and best self. He knows and sees the divinity within you. He will always help you. All you have to do is open the door.

My heart is literally bursting with joy as I think about the goodness of God! You know I love my God more than anything! He is my Father in Heaven and my relationship with Him means the world to me. This session of conference really hit home to me. I needed a reminder that God's perfect plan of happiness was prepared beforehand. All because of love. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf reminded me that I can't change God's will, but God will empower me to do His will. I can testify that is true, because I've personally seen this in my life recently. I've been doing hard things and making a lot of changes, because I am trusting the path he has set before me. My faith in Him has been strengthened each day as I continually choose to follow Him. Has it been easy? Absolutely not. However, my faith in His plan for me is what's keeping me going. He's never forsaken me.

Earlier this year, I went through a really hard trial. Because of my faith and love for my Heavenly Father, I was never mad at Him. I never blamed Him. I knew He had a plan for me. But gosh, it was hard! Looking back, I can clearly see how he prepared the way for me. I'm where He needs me to be. Honestly, I'm so happy where I am. I'm in a good place, because of Him.

Dear friends, I testify that your God knows and loves you. He sees you as the divine son or daughter of God that you are. You are His. Literally. He created you in His image. He created a beautiful plan of happiness all because He loves you and wants you for eternity! Like President Uchtdorf said, God will never force you to follow Him. He didn't do that in the pre-existence and He won't do that now. But He will always love you. He will always be there for you. He will always help you. You're worth it to Him. I can't really fathom the great magnitude of love He has for me, but I have felt His love and I can testify that it is so good. God is good, He is oh so good.

All good things. It's never the worst when you have God and Jesus Christ on your side! Just sayin'!

Freewrite: Feelings

I was in a terribly bad mood late last night and I had absolutely no desire to talk to God about it. I mean, I obviously attempted, but nothing was coming. Between the hours of 3:00-4:00 AM, has been the best time for God and I to talk. I'd say it happens probably once a week or so when I pour my heart out to him. I was too exhausted last night and told God that if He woke me up during our usual hour, I would talk to Him.

So He did just that.

3:17 was the time that I was woken up and I reluctantly sat up. I talked out loud, because really, who's going to hear me at that hour? The more I talked, the more confused I became. It didn't help that I wasn't in the mood to talk. The problem with feeling 'meh' is that I can't figure out how I truly feel. It' makes it hard for me to navigate the root of the problem. When I finished talking, I ended it with the most sincere prayer that I could muster. My head hit that pillow and I was out.

I've been feeling a lot lately. Mixed emotions about a lot of different aspects of my life and I feel like I am drowning. Like last night. Drowning in my own emotions until numbness comes. It's dangerous.

Triggers. Sometimes I will feel triggered by something and that causes a lot of confusion. Underneath that confusion is a thick, gooey layer of pain. A mess that I don't want to trudge through.

Fear of abandonment. 

No reciprocation. 

Needs not met

Self conscious

Trust broken

Abuse

Self sabotage

Just a few things that were triggered. Some more than others. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate how I feel. I hate how I perceive myself and others. I hate how tired I feel, because it's so mentally and emotional taxing.

And back to that gooey layer. It's a thick black mixture. Bittersweet to the taste.  Its sticky, grainy texture clings to you. It coats you well, because even if you try to wipe it off, it gets everywhere. (This makes me think of Candyland.)

So I'm pulling things apart. I can't live this way. I need to deal with this layer of pain. I'm writing my feelings out on napkins, ripped corners of paper, post it notes- anything! Praying and scripture study has become harder, but I force myself. I believe that God recognizes my efforts even though they seem so insignificant.

And even with all of this, I still firmly say, it's not the worst.