Stan

I almost killed my fish. I almost killed my roommates fish that I have secretly adopted as my own. I was cleaning out Stan's fish bowl and I usually just leave him in the net in a bowl of water. Well The net was sitting awkwardly on the bowl and you guess it. It toppled over onto the floor.

SPLAT!!!

I screamed and quickly picked up the net and put it back in the water. For a second there I thought I killed him. It. Was. Awful. Legit, the worst feeling everrrrrrrr!!! Thought I lost my baby! ...I mean my fish. I mean my roommates fish. That's not mine. (But he's mine.)

Stan is alive and swimming in a clean and very warm fish bowl. Whew!

Strength through The Book of Mormon

I woke up to bloodshot eyes, tired-achy bod, and fried brain early this morning. I feel like (and look like) I've gone through the ring a few times. But hey! I have 4 cans of Stephens Hot Cocoa in my cupboard and Christmas cheese ball in my fridge. It's the simple pleasures in life.

During the busiest time, I've had a lot of personal things come up and big decisions to be made. So the anxious part of me is just having a meltdown and the rest of me is pullin' it together. During the few quiet moments that I've had, I've pulled out my Book of Mormon. It's reminded me that I need to believe that God is aware of me and believe that my Savior understands exactly how I feel right now. And trust me, this is a constant reminder, because lately, I've felt doubtful. I've been doubting myself and doubting God's plan. I haven't been angry with God, because let's face it. That's near impossible for me. But I've been lacking the faith that once carried me. So in order for me to strengthen my faith, I've been reaching for my Book of Morn.

The Book of Mormon has become a blessing in my life. It's helped me pull through some hard times. It's a constant reminder that God lives and knows His Children. He will help anyone who calls on Him. This book is another testament of Jesus Christ. This is His church. He truly brings "good tidings of great joy" to those who embrace Him. I know that I've felt that. Faith and hope have been a consistent theme throughout this book. Those who have faith in their God and Savior, will always come out strong! 

I'm human. I struggle, but I have found ways to overcome those struggles. It's the gospel of Jesus Christ. It's literally brought "good tidings of great joy" into my life. 

Prayer - Day 8/Day13

I love this picture of Jesus Christ praying. One of my favorite things about the Savior, is that everything He did was in the Father's will. His love and devotion to God is so admirable. Throughout His life, He never forgot His God. He consistently thanked God through prayer like right before He raised Lazarus from the dead. He prayed when He visited the Americas. He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane just before He performed one of the greatest gifts to mankind. Not once did He ever forget His God. 

I love that example. I love His devotion to God. I love His constant need for God. That's how I am. I need my God. I need His guidance and His love. And gosh, God be thanked for His kindness and love towards me. The power of prayer was the start to my relationship with God and it's something that I cherish. I love night time, because it's the time when I converse with my God without being interrupted. I pour my heart to Him. The power of prayer really can grow you relationship with your God.

He is the Good Shepherd - Day 3/ Day 8

Let Him claim you.

I've been telling myself this over and over. Giving my whole heart to Him has been hard at times. Sometimes, I feel like I just want to go my own way. I know myself enough to survive. BUT with Jesus Christ, I not only survive, but I thrive. So right now, I'm working on letting go a little at a time and letting Him have me. He is the Good Shepherd. I love this picture, because it clearly shows His love towards the lost sheep. He will go out of His way to find you and hold you. He wants you. He wants to hold you and love you. 

It's not the worst. He'll prove that to you.

You're in Good Hands - Day 2/Day 7

When you feel discouraged during your mortal journey, remember that your Savior, Jesus Christ has walked your path. Everything will be okay. Take a deep breath and know that your Savior is holding your hand!

Becoming (Part Eight)

I was thinking earlier today on my way to work about where I am in comparison to where I was at the beginning of the year. I knew my life would change and that I would have to embrace a new normal. There's never been a year where the Lord has stretched me to get out of my comfort zone more than this year. It's been hard. I was unsure of how my new job would be like back in April. I was unsure of why God wanted me at this specific job. To be honest, it was a step down for me in more ways than one. And I hated it. I kept looking for a new job, because I felt so uncomfortable. I felt like everyone was so smart! I didn't feel like myself.

So I had to make a choice. I knew the Lord would support me with whatever I chose. I chose to stay. I chose to stay for many reasons. I knew that I needed to become more comfortable with myself in uncomfortable settings. This job has caused me to become more comfortable with myself and who I am. And honestly, it's been hard. Like reeeeealllly hard. I think it's human nature to want to feel a connection with others and to fit in. I wanted that. I wanted to know everything that everyone talked about. Pokemon, pop culture, video games etc. Those things aren't me. I never really had an interest in them. I've had to pray for strength from the Lord for me to become more okay with who I am. I needed to accept myself with who I am.

I'm seeing myself differently. I'm more and more okay with who I am. I'm practicing confidence and speaking out. I honestly enjoy where I work. I love the people. I love the environment. I'm grateful that God brought me here. I'm learning and growing in ways that I need to progress.

God is so wise! He throws you in uncomfortable situations and if you're wise, you'll come out on top! I also know that without His help, I wouldn't have been able to make it through. I'm becoming in an area of my life that really needed help.

It's not the worst.

Read the last entry in this series: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/09/becoming-part-seven.html

Mind Over Body

When your phone dies while you are half a mile into your run, you are forced to either walk or become one with your body and push yourself. Choices. It's all in the choices. I can usually drown out my mind with loud beats, but not tonight. Tonight I could feel everything. The heaviness of my breathing. My heart pounding. My legs screaming at me.

Come on, girl. Mind over body. You just gotta push yourself a little further. Mind over body. 

I became very in tune with my body. I pushed myself a little further and little harder. I spoke words of strength and praised God for a body that moves.

It's not easy, but it's not the worst.

Free-write: Late Night Thoughts

It's nearly one o'clock in the morning and the dark silence carries on into the wee hours of the night. Here I sit tap-tap-tapping out this post letting the words flow as they may, A free-write if you will.

I'm grateful that it is now November. I love the closing of the year. I love the holidays, especially Thanksgiving. I love family time. I love the transition from fall to winter. I love preparing for and welcoming the new year.

I'm not where I thought I would be at the beginning of 2016, but I praise God for where I'm at now. I feel like I'm becoming more true to myself and tapping into my higher self. I'm seeing things in a different sense. I'm (slowly) embracing myself. I've had my share of bad days, but the good ones always outweigh the bad.

Lately, I've been saying out loud the words, "I forgive myself." I think it's about time I start forgiving myself. It's hard, but I force those three words out. There's power in being vocal. I've also found this when I read my scriptures out loud. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but I feel something different, when I can hear myself voice my forgiveness or reading my scriptures.

I feel like I've taken all the compartments in my brain and dumped the contents out into a big pile. It's messy and there are so many bibs and bobs mixed in with the important things. I'm re-organizing everything. It's overwhelming. It requires lots of naps too. I'm recalling old memories that bring the sweetest joy or the deepest pain. I guess you could say, I'm re-wiring the way my brain functions.

With a new year, comes the unknown. What will accomplish next year? What trials will I face? Blah, blah, blah! I have a love/hate for the unknown. I don't want to think about it, but then I have to think about it, so I can come up with a game plan. Anxiety is too real for me. I like to be prepared for the absolute worst, so it doesn't come as a surprise.

Then there's the election. Don't get me started on that.

Late night thoughts are scattered. It's not the worst.

He is First

Personal Credence: I firmly (and I mean firmly) believe that God should be first in your life.

I'd say that my relationship with God has strengthened in the past five years. I remember the first time I sincerely went to the Lord via prayer. I was sitting in my car after an upsetting conversation with my mom. I felt lost. My best friend at the time had left for her mission. She and I had pretty much been inseparable, so you can imagine that separation anxiety was a real thing. I felt out of place in my family. I felt empty and worthless. So I prayed cried sobbed out loud to God the one thing I could muster:

Please help me.

Growing up, I knew there was a God, but it was until this moment that I experienced His reality so deeply. I felt peace come over me. I knew He was aware of me. Since then and through a journey of (mostly) trials, I have come to rely so deeply on my God. He is first and will always be first in my life. In the darkest moments, I have held on to only Him. I've felt lonely, but have always known that I was never alone. He promised me that I would never be alone and He has kept that promise.

This year in particular has been a whirlwind of both good and trying times. Gosh, the beginning of the year was just so awful! I've hit some low points, but this years low point was just- well you know, awful! I was angry at my situation, but NEVER was I ever angry with God. I couldn't be mad at Him. To this day, I can't ever be mad at Him. Knowing God, I just can't bring myself to be angry with Him. Really, all I could do was pray and let the chips fall where they may.

Here I am in October 2016 and we have been closer now more than we ever have been. The other day, I realized the true strength of our relationship through one of the most sacred Priesthood blessings I've ever had. In the past six months, I have stayed awake through the night to converse with Him. Funny to think that the dark, quiet night is the time I feel so much light and love. I have been pouring out my raw heart to Him and He listens to me. Personal revelation has been flowing more than it ever has. I'm slowly learning how our communication works and let me tell you, it's working beautifully!

He's my God. I am His and He is mine. Words could never eloquently express my deep love for Him. I know He knows me so deeply and intimately. I want to know Him so deeply and intimately too. We're working on it together. He knows me better than I know myself. He sees me as the divine Queen that I am and reminds me of my divinity all the time. He's my Father. My Father. He makes up the difference where others lack. He listens to my endless rants, frustrations, cries- whatever! He wants me to talk to Him. No judgement. Just love.

There's absolutely no way that I could (would) ever deny Him. He is real. He is very real to me and I feel His love for me every single day! Not a day goes by that I don't see His hand in my life. I've been praising Him more each day. I've been expressing my gratitude to Him more each day. I've been asking Him for forgiveness and strength to be better more each day. I rely so heavily on Him. And it's so easy for me, because I love Him!

When He calls, I always come. Is it easy? Not always. Sometimes I'm hesitant. But I always come to Him, because I love Him. I love Him more than anything and anyone. I love Him more than I love myself. My desire to do His will has only been growing. It's not easy. But He's worth it, so I trust Him. His love is fulfilling and the light that it brings into my life is everything I need.

He is First. He is always first.

Little Miracles

I lost my apartment key yesterday. I spent several hours searching for this key. I tore apart my room and put it back together. It was so organized and clean that there was literally no way that it could be in my room. However, I had this feeling that everything would be okay and I would find that key. I didn't know when they key would be found, but I knew that it would be. I prayed to the Lord with gratitude for this opportunity to exercise my faith in Him. I let Him know that I accepted the fact that it was gone and that I might not find it. When it came to leave my apartment, I found a way to lock the door using a plastic bag. I felt discouraged that I couldn't find the key, but I still had faith in God.

You probably already figured out the rest of the story, so I'll just say that the key magically appeared on the floor at work. It must have been attached to part of my costume that I wasn't wearing. The funny thing is, I had looked at my costume over and over to know for sure that there was no key attached to it. But there the key was. Right there on the floor.

I know that God was testing me. I'm so grateful that He did, because it gave me the opportunity to really see where my faith was. I chose to put my faith and trust in Him. I kept letting Him know that if it be His will, the key would show up. Yes, I felt discouraged, but I still knew and felt strongly that God would provide and He did.

I love my God. I praise Him for His goodness and mercy towards me over something so small. It's these little moments that have built my relationship with Him to be so strong. He's the first source that I always go to.  I just love Him. He is always first and I know that He looks out for me.

All good things!

Free-write: The In-between

A dreary Monday it has been and here I am snuggled up with a mug of hot chocolate taking in the last hours of the day. I've been thinking a lot about the in-between. I guess you could call it the waiting period. Just waiting. So to fill this dark in-between, I've been immersing myself in reading. If you could only see the stacks of books on my shelf waiting to be read. Three piles to be exact.

Sometimes I feel really frustrated, because impatience is a real thing. Impatience brings a lot of doubt. Or perhaps it's the opposite. Doubt brings a lot of impatience. I don't know. I'm learning how to push away the doubt and shake the impatient feeling. It's not always easy, but I'd say it's been a journey. I want to be less impulsive and more patient and open.

It's not the worst.

30 Days

I've written about my struggle with depression and anxiety. Last week I could feel triggers of it and knew that I needed to fight it while I could. But gosh, sometimes it just really hits! I was lying in bed feeling tired and trying to fight the darkness that just wanted to take over. I received a phone notification indicating a new blog post my friend had posted and quickly went to read it. She talked about how she is reading The Book of Mormon in 30 days. It was like a light was turned on in my brain and I decided to do it.

Today marks day 5 of the challenge and I can personally testify that my battle with mental illness has been a breeze. Filling my heart and mind with goodness has been just the medicine to cure the ache inside. I'm learning more about myself, God, and Jesus Christ. The constant reminder of Gods goodness has kept me moving forward. The need for repentance has been a common theme so far and I am realizing just how much I need to continually be repenting. And while sometimes that can be overwhelming, I love that the call for repentance is always followed with a reminder of my Savior.

The goodness continues, stay tuned!

September through pictures

Friends is spelled T A C O S

Love the tacos, hate that one is unlike the others.

A sweet surprise from some ward friends.

I made peanut butter bars.

I got sick and some sweet ladies dropped this care package off.

Heart & Mind

Whew. Being sick has opened a lot of time to think. And I mean not even an escape to Stars Hallow or Green Gables could distract me. I've been praying for an open heart and mind for a while now. Meditation has been my key to that door. Ridding myself of my frail natural tendencies and imprinting self-love and peace. I feel more connected with my God. I feel more connected with higher self. It has calmed me during times where anxiety would storm.

Personal Revelation has been flowing so sweetly and flawlessly. It's been intense, but gosh, so wonderful! Having a glimpse of where I need to be and adjusting my course to follow suit has been so much easier. I truly believe that God's plan is perfectly set before us.

My mind will storm at times and I can feel my heart working double time to calm my mind. The heart knows best, because it feels peace. My mind constantly asks, "What if I'm wrong?" My heart will say, "God has it figured out. Let's keep trusting Him and His peace." My mind calms down and then the two are unified. More personal revelations flows and I feel more enlightened.

Truth is fortifying. The more we seek for truth, the more enlightened we become. My desire for truth has slowly been satisfying and fulfilling. When my my heart and mind are open and connected, I find myself strengthened in many ways. I feel steady on my path even though I cannot see it at times.

It's not the worst. All good things.

Cool.

A roller-coaster has literally been the thrill of my emotions. Up and down. And yet, on the outside, I'm cool like cucumber. I stepped off that roller-coaster for a few days. Numb. Then blink, I'm back on. Life. It gets ya, sometimes. It doesn't slow down. It just keeps going and catching up is tricky.

It's not the worst.

Not Tonight

In the dark of the night, I sat there in her chair and propped my feet up on the ottoman. (I'm chair sitting for a few days for my friend.) I sat there as past trauma re-surfaced. It was unexpected and felt like someone had knocked the breath out of me.

No tears. Absolutely no tears. Just pain. 

I wanted to abandon myself. Go numb and not have a care in the world. But I couldn't. I had to feel and process. I began to speak to myself with love:

I am daughter of the most Divine. I am a experiencing a moment that will help me become more like my Father in Heaven. It's okay for me to feel the pain right now. This is a process. I am not weak. Broken hearts will be mended. I am a Queen. I can do hard things with grace! I am loved.

 I am tired of shaming myself when I begin to feel the pain of trauma. Giving up just pushes me back. It's not worth it to me. But I'm worth moving past it. I don't need to allow those feelings to make me feel defeated.. I'm worth more than that.

It's not the worst. All good things.

Moment of Honesty: One Day

I keep telling myself to just take deep breaths. Politically, this country is drowning. I do not support either candidate. I'll leave it at that. But I keep taking deep breaths. I can put aside my own opinions and I can choose to love. Not because this world has become all #lovewins and #loveislove but because God loves. Jesus Christ loves. And whether you believe in religion or not, love is needed in this world. More and more it seems like hate has become more prevalent.

One day things will be very different. One day all the chaos of the world will settle. One day. I trust my God and His plan. He surely is at the helm. I see His hand in my life, even when I begin to feel frustrated with the world, especially this country.

This country is beautiful. It was built on a sure foundation. The more changes that have been made towards this foundation, the weaker it has become. I've been noticing this. But she is still beautiful. And she will still hold strong. She was built on God's foundation. She is beautiful.

I am grateful to be a citizen of a beautiful country. I am grateful for the freedom I have to worship my God as I so choose. I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ, because it is what I have built my sure foundation on. My God will provide and He always has and as He always will.

It's not the worst. All good things.

Read the last entry in this series: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/06/moment-of-honesty-burning-wood.html

P.S. TEAM USA IS KILLIN' AT THE OLYMPICS! Currently 26 medals total, 9 gold, 8 silver, and 9 bronze!

2016 Summer Olympics

If you know me, then you know that I love the Olympics. If you really know me, then you know that the summer Olympic games are my favorite. I love all the events. So in honor of the Olympic Games opening ceremony and events to follow, I'll be pretty much unavailable for the next three weeks. Byeee! 

Obviously joking (kind of) but I have pre-written many posts and have them scheduled for the next few weeks. I know, you don't believe me, so you'll just have to keep comin' back to see if I lied. Byeeee.!

GO TEAM USA! It's not the worst.

Sadie Banks Photography

OMG! Sadie Banks is a beautiful, talented photographer that I had the opportunity to work with. She's so sweet and she's definitely got some made talent. I was very pleased with the pictures, because naturally, I was awkward and uncomfortable. Here's a few pictures that she snapped of me.

 

Huge thanks to Sadie for reaching out! Check out more of Sadie and her mad photo skills here:

Website: http://www.sadiebanksphotography.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sadiebanksphotography/

July in Photos

Sunsets and good company are just a few of my favorite things.

The 4th of July is my favorite holiday!

Scripture study and painting.

I have been here frequently because I love the Lord.

I love Morgan, UT! I have family here and our family reunion was so fun!

Sadie Banks is an amazing photographer that I got to collab with. I will be posting all about her in tomorrow's blog, so come back!