Healing

I was in attendance at a Christ-Centered Healing & Meditation Conference a week ago. It was brain overload for me. I must say that the speakers are masters of their craft. Their knowledge and belief in healing was something that I struggled to understand. The first class I attended was about healing from trauma and abuse. I hesitated going because--well the title speaks for itself. I got there early and pulled out my Nancy Drew book and read. If I'm going to attend a healing conference, then you bet your bottom dollar that I will be bringing a Nancy Drew book for comfort! No excuses. No shame. 

Class started and I sat there uncomfortably towards the back. No, you can't make me move. I'm here and that's all that matters. And then she made us move forward, but I didn't budge, because there were some people behind me. She proceeded with telling us her story. I felt sorry for her and felt grateful that it wasn't me. Everyone in class was moved. You could just feel it. And see it. There were people who were moved to tears. I was not. I choked those tears down. But oh how my heart ached. And I was trying to convince myself that I was okay, because I had already dealt with all those feeling. Then the teachers gaze fell on me and she talked about the atonement of Jesus Christ and its healing power. And she stared at me and she talked. And I couldn't break the connection, no matter how hard I wanted to. Her words rang true. I could feel it all while I choked down those tears. I wasn't going to budge--not even for her. Not even if I knew how true her words were.

Class ended and I felt the strong hustle come over. I wanted to leave. I wanted to cry. I wanted to stay and learn. I wanted to pray. I didn't want to pray. I wanted to shout out in anger. My emotions were all over the place. I needed time to process. Of course, you couldn't tell. (Or maybe you could tell, because I was surrounded by Empaths and energy professionals.)  I kept my face emotionless and smiled as little as I could. I gave hugs to people who offered them--even that was hard, because I don't like touch. 

I survived the conference. It really was so good. Brain overload. I needed time to process everything. My brain couldn't do it. It was at battle with my emotions. The battle was like this:

You need to let your emotions speak.

No.

Emotional releasing is good. Triggers are good.

No.

Stop being stubborn.

Don't tell me what to do.

You know all of this is true. You know you can be healed.

I know. I just--I just can't. 

Stop being prideful and let go.

I will eventually.

You're probably thinking about how stubborn I am. And I am. But I can tell you that I am meditating. I am praising God more. I am praying more. I am being more grateful and thanking God for His kindness. I am doing what I was taught. I'm processing while I attempt something new. If there is anything I've learned is that God is still there and the atonement of Jesus Christ is still available to me whenever I need or want it. I'm learning. Slowly. And that's okay. It's not a race. What matters is that I'm learning. I'm healing. I'm coming closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I'm strengthening my relationship with God. It's all okay. I'm okay.