What am I doing?

A question I've been asking myself all week. What am I doing? Imagine me face planted on the floor. Like Sadness from Inside Out. I feel like I'm emotionally hustling for something. Is it acceptance? Is it belonging? Is it validation? I don't know. But I feel weird. I feel like I'm just running around in a thick cloud of fog. Sometimes I feel like Wonder Woman when she takes a moment, closes her eyes and faces the sky. Composure as I call it. I just have to take a deep breath and bask in that very moment to put myself together. Every night, I will lay very still and feel myself breathe while my mind takes its time to slow down. Maybe this is why I need to meditate more? Or do yoga? I don't know, but whatever it is, I need to find some more peace.

It's not the worst.

Dippin' My Toes

I'm dipping my toes in some unknown territory. *heavy sigh* And I'm nervous excited. It's a change and it's something that I just hopped on board immediately. I don't have a full confirmation of what the outcome will be, but I know that I'll be fine either way. Don't you like the vagueness of this post?

This is 27. This is new. This is moving forward. I'm adding to my life story with as many adventures as I can. It's not the worst.

Fear to Faith

Yesterday, I woke up to my business Instagram deleted. I silently stewed over it all day until my anxiety hit hardcore last night. I stress ate, was pacing the room... Luckily I have good friends who helped me out. I unleashed the crazy, stressed out Marlisa at Walmart, but somehow made it out alive, because my friends kept me sane. Whew! Life hack: Get good friends.

So anyways, while dealing with my Instagram fiasco, I've been freaking out, because I am headed to Zion's National Park for camping and hiking. This week will be the hottest. Averaging at a nice 110 degrees. In fact, there is an "Excessive Heat Warning" so you know, it's a good week to hike with limited water sources. I'm not feeling to hot about all of this. I'm nervous that I'll get dehydrated and sick. If you know me, then you know that I hate headaches/migraines. They are no bueno. I literally would rather suffer through other things then those. Fear. I seemed to be drowning in fear.

This morning, I got up bright and early and went for a walk. I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and excitement. Things were going to work out. I just needed to remind myself that I am a daughter of God who deeply loves me. He looks out for me. I don't have to drown in fear. I can be faithful and believe in God. I have my angels whom I call upon each day to assist me on my mortal journey. Today I brave the heat with my friends and enjoy my mini getaway. I have always loved southern Utah and it holds a special place in my heart. I will immerse myself in the beauty of God's creation, disconnected from the world. I will be deeply connected to my God, my Savior, my angels, and my friends. I am allowing peace, love, and faith fill me up.

It's not the worst.

Sinking Deep Within

Healing is an ongoing process. And I do believe the full complete healing is possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ. But it is still a process. I feel like a took a few steps back this weekend. Not allowing myself to think of certain things and trying to keep my heart and mind centered. But sometimes the fight is hard and I am tired. You just have to sit with your feelings no matter how painful and let those emotions move within me. I sink deep within my body and mind and take deep breaths. I am focused on what the pain is and calling upon divine help, because I know that I can't do it alone. This is hard for me. I don't like emotion and feeling most of the time. Most times I wish that I could just pull my spirit out of my body for a few minutes. But I know that in order to become like our Savior and to deeply connect with others, I need to connect with myself first.

It's not the worst.

Keep Going

A tinge of pain settled in unexpectedly today, so I pocketed that emotion away for a few hours so I could process. I know this is a test from God. How will Marlisa handle pain and disappointment? Well, Lord, I will focus on other things. I'm diving deep into my business. Putting my free time towards that. I'm learning a lot about myself through this process, so it's been good for me. If I want to be successful, I have to put in the work. Goals are being made an I just go to work.

Next week, I'm off to Zion's National Park for some needed getaway time. I'll also be visiting family, so all good things are in my future. I'm focusing on other areas of my life that I've neglected. I just push through, but this time in healthier ways. This is good release process for me. And healing always comes. I just have to take one day at a time.

It's not the worst.

Mid June

This new chapter of my life has a lot of surprises in it and I've just been jumpin' on the bandwagon as they come. One that totally took me for a loop was agreeing to go to Zion's National Park with a friend. I love Zion's. I love the company. But I mostly love the stargazing. If you know me well enough or you've been a reader for a while, you know my love for astronomy. More specifically stargazing. It doesn't matter the season, I have done it in the dead of winter. (That's a story for another day...) Stargazing has always opened up this new appreciation for God and for my life. I feel a sense of God's love and peace. And peace is what I need. I've been so indecisive lately. Trying to figure out a future for myself. At the end of May, I made a decision to start a relationship with someone I had talked to for nearly six months. I quickly ended it. Like within 24 hours. I tried giving my heart away, but God has a way of stopping me. I feel like I've lost myself a little bit. I feel out of my element. Tired. Emotions are just numb enough to ease the confusion I feel. I'm pulling myself together slowly. I'm mostly fine.

These moments of making choices are helping me know more of what God wants me to do. But I still have moments where I lie very still and sink deep within myself. I know God has a plan for me. And a lot of patience is required. Planning a future for myself is something that I could do. But each time I think of just me, I feel a sense of redirection. And it's frustrating at times, but I just go on with one day at a time and then praise myself for making it one more day.

So here's to taking one day at a time. Here's to making more adventures and memories for my year 27. It's not the worst.

Just Breathe.

This last weekend was stressful. Last week was stressful. I'm just in this weird funk. I know the ending destination, but I'm dragging my feet on getting there. So I sat down on the floor and I just paused to breathe. I focused on breathing. After several minutes, I felt myself reset. It's okay to take time to breathe. It's not the worst.

Marlisa, what do you want to do?

A question that so many have asked me and one that I ask myself. Don't even get me started. There are a lot of things that I want to do. But. (Because there's always a but.) I am scared. I'm scared of failure. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared of putting myself out there. I'm scared of being vulnerable. I'm just scared.

Good. Let that feeling of fear humble you. Then go. to. work! Believe, believe, believe! Your faith, regardless of how big or small, can change your life. But you have to work through your fears. You have to work! You have to push yourself and believe in yourself. You can do hard things.

It's not the worst.

He's got MY back!

Holy cow! God has been sooooooo good to me this week! Things were falling apart and problems kept arising. And yet, God made it so everything worked out perfectly in His timing. I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude, because I felt so undeserving of His goodness. But you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God loves you NOW! And He wants to bless you, because YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!! I didn't know how this week was going to pan out. But I knew that if I gave my life to Him, He would make everything work out perfectly! I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to, but I had opportunities to serve. And also, if you ask God to send you people to serve, He will! For me, I gave my time to the Lord. I spent time in the Temple and endured two hours of hunger. But my spiritual hunger was satisfied and fulfilled. I gave my time by spending time with people who needed a friend and listening ear. I don't even see it as a sacrifice, rather I am grateful that I choose to put God first. God only will I serve! Even when sometimes it may be hard. But this week, I proved to myself that if I put Him first and trust Him to take care of everything else, He will! And He did this week!

Give God a chance. I just really love my God! You readers who have been reading my blog for years, know that I love my God more than anything! He is everything to me!

Happy June, my darlings! It's birthday month and I've got some great posts for you this month!