First time

She was angry, but I wasn't sure why. But she was my friend, so I cared. And when you're friend is upset, you help her. She was running away from me. My little legs in comparison to her "giant" legs were no match. Where is Ashley? I thought as I chased after Rachel.

I spotted Ashley and yelled, "ASHLEY, GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE!"

Friends, that was the first time I ever said the word 'butt' out loud. I was in fourth grade.

Refresh, refresh, refresh

I kept hitting the 'refresh' button every few minutes. I wanted to beat all the other girls who were looking for housing. I was told through a Priesthood blessing that looking for housing would be a trial, but at the time, it didn't seem like a trial. I'm sure God chuckled said, "Just wait." BAM. I hit a rough patch.

At first, I still had my confidence and trusted that I would find a place before I was supposed to move out. God asked me to sell my contract and move. My contract sold quickly. The check out date was set and all I needed to do was find a place. Each place I came across looked good, but I still wasn't feeling settled, so I kept searching. And searching. And searching. I got blessings and was reassured that God would reveal where He wanted me to be, but that I had to continue with faith. I held on tight to that. Surely He would have a place ready at the last second. He's a God of miracles for cryin' out loud!

Nothing.

I moved back home, discouraged. WHY?! I DID EVERYTHING YOU ASKED ME TO. I've had a lot of time to think and to continue searching. Craigslist has been a tab on my internet that I have been refreshing all day. It's been exhausting. 

Alright Heavenly Father. What am I supposed to learn from this? Patience, trust, faith ya-de-ah-de-ah-da...

As I sat there on the computer, cooped up on the couch, segments of lyrics came to my mind, that caused me to kneel before the Lord and ask for forgiveness.

Be still my soul, The Lord is on thy side

With patience bear, thy cross of grief or pain;

Leave to the thy God to order and provide.

In every change, He faithful will remain.

Be still my soul, thy God doth undertake;

to guide the future as he has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;

all now mysterious shall be bright at last.

[Source]

Aren't those lyrics soothing? I had lost my confidence and hope in Him. After that humbling experience, those were restored. God will always provide for each one of us. He has proven that to us time and time again. If you really think about it, how many times has He provided for you? It may not be in your timing, but always in His. Let's be honest, His timing was always perfect anyways!

Raw Emotion

I think one of the best human experiences we have here in this life is to feel pure, raw emotion. We aren't robots, but actual living humans who get to feel. We get to experience emotions from all sides of the spectrum. I am grateful for this, because I learn best through experiences and feelings. Without them, I wouldn't learn anything. There would be no growth.

I think that raw emotion is sacred. It's a beautiful part of the human experience. It's necessary for us to experience in order for us to become like God and our Savior, Jesus Christ. They understand fully how we each feel at every second of the day. They too have experienced what we experience.

It can be easy to hold in those feelings. To bottle them up and put them on the shelf. But we weren't asked to do that. We were asked to feel those emotions and to learn and grow.

I have learned and grown from my own emotions. Especially through tears, whether it be tears of joy or hurt. It's not easy nor comfortable to feel anger or pain. Heavens, I can't even begin to tell you my personal hell and all the pain that has accompanied it. But the gospel isn't about being comfortable, because there would be no growth. We must experience these emotions, so that we can progress and help those along the way.

I love "heart to heart" moments. They are tender and sacred. Being able to listen to someone share their feelings with me is such a privilege. I'm able to more fully understand and love that person on a whole new level. It builds an unwavering connection. I don't like being vulnerable and open. I'm good at being numb to my emotions and closed door. But then I remember that we were all sent here to become like God and Jesus Christ. And if being vulnerable and open will help me move forward or if there is someone who could learn from my experience then I'll do it.

On the other side, there is pure, raw emotion that is so sacred that you can't bear to share. And if you're me, you'll save those emotions to Him. I love those moments when I can open up my whole heart to the Lord and tell Him everything. And sometimes I can't explain it, so I just cry and know that He knows what I'm trying to say and what I feel.

Don't dismiss your emotions. They're important and beautiful. God blessed us with feelings, because He knows that they are good for us and for us to become like Him.

(Normally I try to end with something clever or sweet, but then a commercial played on Spotify and killed my groove.)

Love letters #2

"Every now and then I see an old couple walking hand in hand. Their frail, wrinkled fingers laced together, could possibly be the cutest thing ever. It makes me think of us in our ripe old age and still in our "newly wed" stage. It's these few moments that make me grateful for you. We're both still being refined and that's okay. I can wait a bit longer if needs be. Let it be in God's hands. He always takes good care of me and I know He takes good care of you. He promised me that and He always keeps His promises. Keep going, sweetheart. We're going to make it! Renew your faith in God. I've been doing that and it's made a difference. It's helped me be more patient. So here I am, waiting patiently for you. I love you." [December 2014]

 

Love Letters

"I can't even express to you this bursting feeling of peace that washed over me. It was so sweet. All the questions I've been asking were beginning to be answered. My darling, God has a plan for us. I mean, we both know that, but things are starting to fall in place. I have a better perspective than I did before. Can I tell you one of the hardest aches I've ever felt, finally, FINALLY, melted away? One that I thought was impossible for me to overcome? Well it did! That heavy-achy heart, and countless tears are finally no more! I am grateful that He finally put this heart at ease. I am also grateful that I allowed and trusted Him to put this heart at ease. I can breathe now and it feels so good! This new path I've set myself on (or rather the Lord has set me on) is exciting. I feel so at peace with everything. I'm ready for this new chapter, but boy do I have so much to learn! You and I, sir, have so much to learn. Let's keep pushing forward, okay?" [December 2014]

Where have I been? I feel like I've been a let down to this poor blog of mine. I've been through some crazy excitements during this roller-coaster life of mine.That however hasn't stopped me from writing. I've written several posts during my absence and will be up and running! I've learned so much in the past few months and have any thoughts to share with you. But for now, I must update you. I moved. Said goodbye to old friends and am ready to say hello to new friends. Things have changed. The Lord is taking me on this crazy adventure or rather He is realigning me to where He wants me to be. I guess that's okay. My faith in Him has increased immensely. It's been a long road, but a great one nonetheless! Here's to 2015 and all that lies in store for me.

Let's begin anew.

Here we go! Another year and I'm ready for the adventures that lie ahead. Though things haven't played well in my favor, I'm still holding true to my faith in the Lord. I know that things haven't been working out, because the Lord has something better for me. I'm ready for this year! Bring it on 2015!