Becoming.

It's subtle. Barely even noticeable. It's easy to miss the cracks in between. But those cracks fill in when you're not looking.He is busy at work. I'm too tired. I feel weak. He knows, but continues to work. I don't see the work He's already done. I miss those little areas that He's been perfecting. And yet, it's those little things that create the masterpiece. That weak feeling builds an unwavering strength. I'm becoming the woman I was meant to be. It's a process. One that requires much faith, trust, and patience in the creator. But I'm becoming, and that's beautiful.

Heal what has been hurt - Journal Entry

"I went numb. So numb. I couldn't handle the pain anymore and I just went numb. No, I chose to go numb. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't function. I broke down. I felt like the biggest failure. I felt like I had worked so hard and nothing was coming of it. I felt like God didn't care. So I accepted that thought and settled.

I crashed and burned. I tried to fill my own heartache. I don't know what it was, but I caved and was desperately scrounging around, trying to fill the ache. Nothing. Nothing could fill it. It didn't matter if it was my third bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream or trivial retail therapy. Nothing could fill it! I felt satisfaction, but no fulfillment. 

All the while, that wretched numbness really settled in. There is a danger in going numb to your emotions. It damages pure raw emotion--something that needs to be felt in this mortal journey. I believe raw emotion is sacred. I felt like I disgraced something so sacred. That raw emotion is a gift from God. He allows us to experience those emotions, even if they are hard and painful. Those emotions can change us for the better. But I neglected that- I tossed it aside without a second thought!

I neglected the one person that could fill that empty void. I didn't want to believe in Him, because I felt unworthy of His love. I didn't want His divine grace and mercy to heal the wound, because I was selfish! And yet His hand was still outstretched towards me, hoping that I would change my mind. 

And I did. I fell to my knees and cried out in my pain. I begged Him to rescue me from the very depths off my hell. I begged for Him, to fill me with His light. I begged for Him, to hold me while I cried one more time. 

He fulfilled my wishes. I felt immediate peace wash over me. I've learned a lot of this experience. One that I will teach our children about. I was once told in a blessing that the Lord has a lot He needs to teach me. I've got a long way to go, but I am grateful for this experience. It wasn't pretty, but my testimony was strengthened from it. And that's good enough for me." [November 2014]