Stan

I almost killed my fish. I almost killed my roommates fish that I have secretly adopted as my own. I was cleaning out Stan's fish bowl and I usually just leave him in the net in a bowl of water. Well The net was sitting awkwardly on the bowl and you guess it. It toppled over onto the floor.

SPLAT!!!

I screamed and quickly picked up the net and put it back in the water. For a second there I thought I killed him. It. Was. Awful. Legit, the worst feeling everrrrrrrr!!! Thought I lost my baby! ...I mean my fish. I mean my roommates fish. That's not mine. (But he's mine.)

Stan is alive and swimming in a clean and very warm fish bowl. Whew!

Love Letters #15

"Today's #LIGHTtheWORLD is about showing compassion and it got me thinking about raw emotion. Something that I've become more familiar with as I go through this life. I think one of the most satisfying and fulfilling moments you can have with someone is showing love on a raw, emotional level. And while you may not fully understand how the other person feels, you feel with them as best as you can.

I was once talking with a friend about marriage and the type of man that I wanted to marry. I think my list has evolved from a long complicated and unrealistic list to a very short, simple one.

• A man who honors and respects his Priesthood.
• Sense of humor
• Kind, thoughtful, and caring
• Emotionally intelligent supportive

That last one doesn't mean anything big. I don't want a psychiatrist or counselor. It just means one who will show compassion during those times when others are having a very human moment. Often times, it's easy to feel uncomfortable during those moments when others are being vulnerable. I know, I've been there on both sides! Or there will be times when we just brush it off and tell someone it's going to be fine without really hearing them. I just want someone who will love deeply during those raw moments. I feel those moments and I don't need you to fix it. I just want you to love me through it and to show kindness and patience. 

That's how Jesus Christ is, especially during His life here. He comforted so many who suffered their own raw pain. He loved them through it. He does that with us now. His love and mercy is always there for us. Christ-like love encompasses compassion, mercy, love, and charity. It is the very healing balm that can soothe any weathered heart. 

I really want that for our marriage. I want to emulate Christ-like love to you. I may not perfectly understand everything, but that's fine. That's what Jesus Christ does. But I can love you through it. I can be patient with you and hold your hand. We weren't meant to be alone. We were meant to love and serve each other during all seasons of life. 

I'm not asking for perfection. I'm just asking for compassion."

Read last entry here: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/12/love-letters-14.html

Strength through The Book of Mormon

I woke up to bloodshot eyes, tired-achy bod, and fried brain early this morning. I feel like (and look like) I've gone through the ring a few times. But hey! I have 4 cans of Stephens Hot Cocoa in my cupboard and Christmas cheese ball in my fridge. It's the simple pleasures in life.

During the busiest time, I've had a lot of personal things come up and big decisions to be made. So the anxious part of me is just having a meltdown and the rest of me is pullin' it together. During the few quiet moments that I've had, I've pulled out my Book of Mormon. It's reminded me that I need to believe that God is aware of me and believe that my Savior understands exactly how I feel right now. And trust me, this is a constant reminder, because lately, I've felt doubtful. I've been doubting myself and doubting God's plan. I haven't been angry with God, because let's face it. That's near impossible for me. But I've been lacking the faith that once carried me. So in order for me to strengthen my faith, I've been reaching for my Book of Morn.

The Book of Mormon has become a blessing in my life. It's helped me pull through some hard times. It's a constant reminder that God lives and knows His Children. He will help anyone who calls on Him. This book is another testament of Jesus Christ. This is His church. He truly brings "good tidings of great joy" to those who embrace Him. I know that I've felt that. Faith and hope have been a consistent theme throughout this book. Those who have faith in their God and Savior, will always come out strong! 

I'm human. I struggle, but I have found ways to overcome those struggles. It's the gospel of Jesus Christ. It's literally brought "good tidings of great joy" into my life. 

Love Letters #14

"I was thinking about identities the other day. It's been ingrained so deeply that I am a daughter of God. But the more I thought about this, I realized that this was the solid foundation of my true identity. The other identities that follow are just added layers. And here's what I came up with:

(Future)Wife/Mother by Priesthood sealing power

Rock by adoption

Samoan by blood

Daughter of God

The layers of identities build upon each other and are all connected to the foundation. If that foundation were to weaken, because of my unbelief, then I truly forget who I am. It's become so important for me to truly understand and love each part of me. It's something that I want us to instill in our children. I want them to know who they are and where they come from. Their foundation, like ours, should be that they are a child of God. That knowledge has the power to pull them through anything that comes their way. It has for me. In a loud, dictating world, I have found peace in knowing who I am. It's carried me through some of the hardest times. ...Also, I think we're going to be good parents, even though the thought of it scares me. That's all."

Read the last entry: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/11/love-letters-13.html

My Roots

I'm a beach girl by blood. I'm pretty sure that ocean water (specifically the Pacific ocean) runs in my veins. There's something about the beach that is home for me. And right now, I'm feeling the call to go home.

If it weren't for the faith of my birth parents, I would not be living the life I have right now. They gave me the best gift, when it caused such heartache on their end. Recently, I have become more and more grateful for their love and kindness. I've never felt more of a pull to go to Western Samoa nor have I felt such a yearning feeling to connect with my Samoan roots. God has truly been pushing me in this direction. He's surrounded me with the right people to help me embrace my Polyneisan culture.

To my Samoan family, I truly and genuinely love you. My thoughts and prayers are always with you. To my birth parents, I love you and am so grateful for the life that you gave me. You gave me a life filled with joy and love. I have the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life and know that God has me where I need to be. Because of your faith and sacrifice, I can be an instrument in God's hands and fulfill His will for my life. Also, I know that my adopted family, especially my adopted parents, are so grateful for you. You truly handed me over to the best family pssible.  I love you all and pray for you continually! I'll be coming to visit soon!

Prayer - Day 8/Day13

I love this picture of Jesus Christ praying. One of my favorite things about the Savior, is that everything He did was in the Father's will. His love and devotion to God is so admirable. Throughout His life, He never forgot His God. He consistently thanked God through prayer like right before He raised Lazarus from the dead. He prayed when He visited the Americas. He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane just before He performed one of the greatest gifts to mankind. Not once did He ever forget His God. 

I love that example. I love His devotion to God. I love His constant need for God. That's how I am. I need my God. I need His guidance and His love. And gosh, God be thanked for His kindness and love towards me. The power of prayer was the start to my relationship with God and it's something that I cherish. I love night time, because it's the time when I converse with my God without being interrupted. I pour my heart to Him. The power of prayer really can grow you relationship with your God.

He is the Good Shepherd - Day 3/ Day 8

Let Him claim you.

I've been telling myself this over and over. Giving my whole heart to Him has been hard at times. Sometimes, I feel like I just want to go my own way. I know myself enough to survive. BUT with Jesus Christ, I not only survive, but I thrive. So right now, I'm working on letting go a little at a time and letting Him have me. He is the Good Shepherd. I love this picture, because it clearly shows His love towards the lost sheep. He will go out of His way to find you and hold you. He wants you. He wants to hold you and love you. 

It's not the worst. He'll prove that to you.

You're in Good Hands - Day 2/Day 7

When you feel discouraged during your mortal journey, remember that your Savior, Jesus Christ has walked your path. Everything will be okay. Take a deep breath and know that your Savior is holding your hand!

30 Days of Jesus Christ

In my attempt to strengthen my testimony on our Savior, Jesus Christ this Christmas season, I have decided to commit myself to 30 days focusing on Him. The next 30 days, I will be emulating His light through service and sharing my testimony along the way. And if you didn't know 30 days from now is Christmas, so it'll be a perfect ending. With today being day 1, I have chosen to  read The Book of Mormon. I couldn't think of a better beginning than, to start by reading another testament of Him.

My hope through doing this is that I will be able to share my light of Christ with those around me. And I believe an added bonus and one that I desperately needed, is a stronger foundation and testimony of Him. I love my Savior and am excited to share with you guys my journey. You can check out my Instagram page @missmarlirock for regular updates and I'll also be posting on here as well. 

Merry Christmas friends! 

Becoming (Part Eight)

I was thinking earlier today on my way to work about where I am in comparison to where I was at the beginning of the year. I knew my life would change and that I would have to embrace a new normal. There's never been a year where the Lord has stretched me to get out of my comfort zone more than this year. It's been hard. I was unsure of how my new job would be like back in April. I was unsure of why God wanted me at this specific job. To be honest, it was a step down for me in more ways than one. And I hated it. I kept looking for a new job, because I felt so uncomfortable. I felt like everyone was so smart! I didn't feel like myself.

So I had to make a choice. I knew the Lord would support me with whatever I chose. I chose to stay. I chose to stay for many reasons. I knew that I needed to become more comfortable with myself in uncomfortable settings. This job has caused me to become more comfortable with myself and who I am. And honestly, it's been hard. Like reeeeealllly hard. I think it's human nature to want to feel a connection with others and to fit in. I wanted that. I wanted to know everything that everyone talked about. Pokemon, pop culture, video games etc. Those things aren't me. I never really had an interest in them. I've had to pray for strength from the Lord for me to become more okay with who I am. I needed to accept myself with who I am.

I'm seeing myself differently. I'm more and more okay with who I am. I'm practicing confidence and speaking out. I honestly enjoy where I work. I love the people. I love the environment. I'm grateful that God brought me here. I'm learning and growing in ways that I need to progress.

God is so wise! He throws you in uncomfortable situations and if you're wise, you'll come out on top! I also know that without His help, I wouldn't have been able to make it through. I'm becoming in an area of my life that really needed help.

It's not the worst.

Read the last entry in this series: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/09/becoming-part-seven.html

Mind Over Body

When your phone dies while you are half a mile into your run, you are forced to either walk or become one with your body and push yourself. Choices. It's all in the choices. I can usually drown out my mind with loud beats, but not tonight. Tonight I could feel everything. The heaviness of my breathing. My heart pounding. My legs screaming at me.

Come on, girl. Mind over body. You just gotta push yourself a little further. Mind over body. 

I became very in tune with my body. I pushed myself a little further and little harder. I spoke words of strength and praised God for a body that moves.

It's not easy, but it's not the worst.

Love Letters #13

"I think one aspect of love that I've found to be so enveloping, is the fact that it's simple. I feel like the worlds idea of love is to be this fairy tale perfection blown out of proportion. I think there should be simplicity in love. It's meaningful. It doesn't have to be dramatic. It's finding simple ways to say and show your love for the other. It's letting them know that they matter to you. I don't know. I just like this idea of keeping love simple."

Free-write: Late Night Thoughts

It's nearly one o'clock in the morning and the dark silence carries on into the wee hours of the night. Here I sit tap-tap-tapping out this post letting the words flow as they may, A free-write if you will.

I'm grateful that it is now November. I love the closing of the year. I love the holidays, especially Thanksgiving. I love family time. I love the transition from fall to winter. I love preparing for and welcoming the new year.

I'm not where I thought I would be at the beginning of 2016, but I praise God for where I'm at now. I feel like I'm becoming more true to myself and tapping into my higher self. I'm seeing things in a different sense. I'm (slowly) embracing myself. I've had my share of bad days, but the good ones always outweigh the bad.

Lately, I've been saying out loud the words, "I forgive myself." I think it's about time I start forgiving myself. It's hard, but I force those three words out. There's power in being vocal. I've also found this when I read my scriptures out loud. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but I feel something different, when I can hear myself voice my forgiveness or reading my scriptures.

I feel like I've taken all the compartments in my brain and dumped the contents out into a big pile. It's messy and there are so many bibs and bobs mixed in with the important things. I'm re-organizing everything. It's overwhelming. It requires lots of naps too. I'm recalling old memories that bring the sweetest joy or the deepest pain. I guess you could say, I'm re-wiring the way my brain functions.

With a new year, comes the unknown. What will accomplish next year? What trials will I face? Blah, blah, blah! I have a love/hate for the unknown. I don't want to think about it, but then I have to think about it, so I can come up with a game plan. Anxiety is too real for me. I like to be prepared for the absolute worst, so it doesn't come as a surprise.

Then there's the election. Don't get me started on that.

Late night thoughts are scattered. It's not the worst.

He is First

Personal Credence: I firmly (and I mean firmly) believe that God should be first in your life.

I'd say that my relationship with God has strengthened in the past five years. I remember the first time I sincerely went to the Lord via prayer. I was sitting in my car after an upsetting conversation with my mom. I felt lost. My best friend at the time had left for her mission. She and I had pretty much been inseparable, so you can imagine that separation anxiety was a real thing. I felt out of place in my family. I felt empty and worthless. So I prayed cried sobbed out loud to God the one thing I could muster:

Please help me.

Growing up, I knew there was a God, but it was until this moment that I experienced His reality so deeply. I felt peace come over me. I knew He was aware of me. Since then and through a journey of (mostly) trials, I have come to rely so deeply on my God. He is first and will always be first in my life. In the darkest moments, I have held on to only Him. I've felt lonely, but have always known that I was never alone. He promised me that I would never be alone and He has kept that promise.

This year in particular has been a whirlwind of both good and trying times. Gosh, the beginning of the year was just so awful! I've hit some low points, but this years low point was just- well you know, awful! I was angry at my situation, but NEVER was I ever angry with God. I couldn't be mad at Him. To this day, I can't ever be mad at Him. Knowing God, I just can't bring myself to be angry with Him. Really, all I could do was pray and let the chips fall where they may.

Here I am in October 2016 and we have been closer now more than we ever have been. The other day, I realized the true strength of our relationship through one of the most sacred Priesthood blessings I've ever had. In the past six months, I have stayed awake through the night to converse with Him. Funny to think that the dark, quiet night is the time I feel so much light and love. I have been pouring out my raw heart to Him and He listens to me. Personal revelation has been flowing more than it ever has. I'm slowly learning how our communication works and let me tell you, it's working beautifully!

He's my God. I am His and He is mine. Words could never eloquently express my deep love for Him. I know He knows me so deeply and intimately. I want to know Him so deeply and intimately too. We're working on it together. He knows me better than I know myself. He sees me as the divine Queen that I am and reminds me of my divinity all the time. He's my Father. My Father. He makes up the difference where others lack. He listens to my endless rants, frustrations, cries- whatever! He wants me to talk to Him. No judgement. Just love.

There's absolutely no way that I could (would) ever deny Him. He is real. He is very real to me and I feel His love for me every single day! Not a day goes by that I don't see His hand in my life. I've been praising Him more each day. I've been expressing my gratitude to Him more each day. I've been asking Him for forgiveness and strength to be better more each day. I rely so heavily on Him. And it's so easy for me, because I love Him!

When He calls, I always come. Is it easy? Not always. Sometimes I'm hesitant. But I always come to Him, because I love Him. I love Him more than anything and anyone. I love Him more than I love myself. My desire to do His will has only been growing. It's not easy. But He's worth it, so I trust Him. His love is fulfilling and the light that it brings into my life is everything I need.

He is First. He is always first.

Love Letters #12

"I've been refined so much the past two months and I feel so good. It's been hard, but gosh, it has been so good! I feel like I'm becoming more true to myself. I'm accepting myself and that's something I've always struggled to do. My relationship with God has been getting stronger through this journey and I love Him so! I know He has a lot in store for us, so I make sure I pray for you on the daily. Sounds cheesy, but I ain't playin'! I pray that your relationship with God is being strengthened. I pray that your heart and mind are open to Him. I pray that you are also being refined. I pray that you feel constantly feel loved. I pray that you are doing the Lord's will. If we're going to do the Lord's will, I know that we both need to be refined individually and love God more than anything! I'm convinced we're becoming the dream team! That's cool." 

Read the last entry in this series: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/09/love-letters-11.html

Little Miracles

I lost my apartment key yesterday. I spent several hours searching for this key. I tore apart my room and put it back together. It was so organized and clean that there was literally no way that it could be in my room. However, I had this feeling that everything would be okay and I would find that key. I didn't know when they key would be found, but I knew that it would be. I prayed to the Lord with gratitude for this opportunity to exercise my faith in Him. I let Him know that I accepted the fact that it was gone and that I might not find it. When it came to leave my apartment, I found a way to lock the door using a plastic bag. I felt discouraged that I couldn't find the key, but I still had faith in God.

You probably already figured out the rest of the story, so I'll just say that the key magically appeared on the floor at work. It must have been attached to part of my costume that I wasn't wearing. The funny thing is, I had looked at my costume over and over to know for sure that there was no key attached to it. But there the key was. Right there on the floor.

I know that God was testing me. I'm so grateful that He did, because it gave me the opportunity to really see where my faith was. I chose to put my faith and trust in Him. I kept letting Him know that if it be His will, the key would show up. Yes, I felt discouraged, but I still knew and felt strongly that God would provide and He did.

I love my God. I praise Him for His goodness and mercy towards me over something so small. It's these little moments that have built my relationship with Him to be so strong. He's the first source that I always go to.  I just love Him. He is always first and I know that He looks out for me.

All good things!

Free-write: The In-between

A dreary Monday it has been and here I am snuggled up with a mug of hot chocolate taking in the last hours of the day. I've been thinking a lot about the in-between. I guess you could call it the waiting period. Just waiting. So to fill this dark in-between, I've been immersing myself in reading. If you could only see the stacks of books on my shelf waiting to be read. Three piles to be exact.

Sometimes I feel really frustrated, because impatience is a real thing. Impatience brings a lot of doubt. Or perhaps it's the opposite. Doubt brings a lot of impatience. I don't know. I'm learning how to push away the doubt and shake the impatient feeling. It's not always easy, but I'd say it's been a journey. I want to be less impulsive and more patient and open.

It's not the worst.

30 Days

I've written about my struggle with depression and anxiety. Last week I could feel triggers of it and knew that I needed to fight it while I could. But gosh, sometimes it just really hits! I was lying in bed feeling tired and trying to fight the darkness that just wanted to take over. I received a phone notification indicating a new blog post my friend had posted and quickly went to read it. She talked about how she is reading The Book of Mormon in 30 days. It was like a light was turned on in my brain and I decided to do it.

Today marks day 5 of the challenge and I can personally testify that my battle with mental illness has been a breeze. Filling my heart and mind with goodness has been just the medicine to cure the ache inside. I'm learning more about myself, God, and Jesus Christ. The constant reminder of Gods goodness has kept me moving forward. The need for repentance has been a common theme so far and I am realizing just how much I need to continually be repenting. And while sometimes that can be overwhelming, I love that the call for repentance is always followed with a reminder of my Savior.

The goodness continues, stay tuned!

September through pictures

Friends is spelled T A C O S

Love the tacos, hate that one is unlike the others.

A sweet surprise from some ward friends.

I made peanut butter bars.

I got sick and some sweet ladies dropped this care package off.

Free-write: Women's Conference

My spiritual canteen is already brimming and I have so many thoughts. A free-write if you will.

LDS General Conference has officially begun! Women's conference was absolutely stellar! I did my daily meditation beforehand, so that I could have a clear mind and heart. This conference is different for me because I actually have questions. It's so important for me to have my mind and heart in the right place, because I desire personal revelation.

It began with a bang! I only had one burning question for this session and Sister Jean B. Bingham answered that in the first two minutes! She spoke of using the light of the gospel to see others clearly. During my healing process (which you can read here and here.), it has been absolutely vital for me to see my higher self. Keeping my covenants and doing what I should be doing has been the solution. Because I've been doing this consistently, I have found that I haven't been shaming myself as often. I view myself differently. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to do my best. I prayed beforehand for ways to see others differently. What was the solution to that? Charity.

"And no one can assist in this work except he shall be humble and full of love, having faith, hope, and charity, being temperate in all things, whatsoever shall be entrusted to his care." -D&C 12:8

 Can you imagine how differently this world would be if we all had charity? It's the pure love of Christ! That's powerful! If we spoke more positively about each other and encouraged each other, I believe people would react differently. Life is hard. At the very least, we can share Christ-like love to each other. We all came here for the same purpose. It's not a race to the finish line.

Sister Bingham went on to talk about one of my very favorite things. Progression. The beauty and reality of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that anyone can improve. It's through the atonement of Jesus Christ that makes change possible. I love this truth so much, because it gives me hope. We're all trying to do our best in this life. And gosh! This life can just really suck sometimes! We're all humans having our own human experience. We struggle. We make mistakes. We're not perfect. BUT. We can consistently try to improve every single day, multiple times a day! I've personally found that God cares more that I'm sincerely trying to be better. There really can be sweetness during the bitterness of life! We were not sent here to fail! We have each other! We can embrace improvement in each other! We can love and support each other.. If we have charity, we're more kind, patient, humble, and seek the good in others. Sister Bingham encouraged us to commit to work together and to embrace the beauty in each other.

Sister Carole M. Stephens really hit it on the nail and talked about the healing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. She urged all of us to recommit ourselves to the Savior. No more hiding. No more covering our sins. No more feeling alone. Her call to repentance and commitment to God and our covenants, was so moving to me. She had such tenderness in her voice as she spoke of the atonement of Jesus Christ. She recited the sweet words that Jesus Christ spoke to the Americas:

"Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?" -3 Nephi 9:13

I've always loved this verse, because here's Jesus Christ extending an invitation for healing. And every time I read this verse, I can't help but feel the ache of His plea. He wants to heal us. He will meet us where we are and gently holds our hand through the chaos of life. You don't have to carry your burden alone. You don't have to suffer alone. You are not alone!

I've written before about how I am still finding my Savior here. The past few weeks, I've been able to find Him more. Cleansing my inner vessel can only be done properly if I turn to Him. I had to move past my selfish tendencies and cling to Him. I haven't felt lonely. In fact, I've felt the sweetness of His love. It's purifying. It's a driving force in the right direction.

Do you feel His love? Do you hear his plea to let Him heal you? My dear friends, I testify to you that your Savior, Jesus Christ wants you. He loves you. He's walked your path, felt your sweetest joys and bitter pain. The first few steps towards Him, may be hard, but I promise you that they will ultimately change your course. His love is fortifying and will strengthen you in the best way. Because of Him, you can change. You can become your higher and best self. He knows and sees the divinity within you. He will always help you. All you have to do is open the door.

My heart is literally bursting with joy as I think about the goodness of God! You know I love my God more than anything! He is my Father in Heaven and my relationship with Him means the world to me. This session of conference really hit home to me. I needed a reminder that God's perfect plan of happiness was prepared beforehand. All because of love. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf reminded me that I can't change God's will, but God will empower me to do His will. I can testify that is true, because I've personally seen this in my life recently. I've been doing hard things and making a lot of changes, because I am trusting the path he has set before me. My faith in Him has been strengthened each day as I continually choose to follow Him. Has it been easy? Absolutely not. However, my faith in His plan for me is what's keeping me going. He's never forsaken me.

Earlier this year, I went through a really hard trial. Because of my faith and love for my Heavenly Father, I was never mad at Him. I never blamed Him. I knew He had a plan for me. But gosh, it was hard! Looking back, I can clearly see how he prepared the way for me. I'm where He needs me to be. Honestly, I'm so happy where I am. I'm in a good place, because of Him.

Dear friends, I testify that your God knows and loves you. He sees you as the divine son or daughter of God that you are. You are His. Literally. He created you in His image. He created a beautiful plan of happiness all because He loves you and wants you for eternity! Like President Uchtdorf said, God will never force you to follow Him. He didn't do that in the pre-existence and He won't do that now. But He will always love you. He will always be there for you. He will always help you. You're worth it to Him. I can't really fathom the great magnitude of love He has for me, but I have felt His love and I can testify that it is so good. God is good, He is oh so good.

All good things. It's never the worst when you have God and Jesus Christ on your side! Just sayin'!

Becoming (Part Seven)

Coming clean with myself has been one of the most empowering things I've ever done. Allowing myself to heal and cleansing myself off all the junk that has been holding me back. Consistent mediation, prayer, and scripture study has been my staple. I'm becoming a better woman. I'm spiritually empowered, emotionally stable,  and mentally healthy. I can feel warmth. I can see the goodness of God in the details of my life. It's a process and it's working. I'm becoming my best self. I'm becoming in touch with my higher self. I'm filling myself with good things and that has helped me stay focused. In order to fulfill God's will, I needed to cleanse my inner vessel. It's worth it. God's love and goodness flows through me more and more.

I'm becoming and it's beautiful. I am beautiful.

 [PC: Sadie Banks Photography]

Read last entry in this series: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/08/becoming-part-six.html