He is First

Personal Credence: I firmly (and I mean firmly) believe that God should be first in your life.

I'd say that my relationship with God has strengthened in the past five years. I remember the first time I sincerely went to the Lord via prayer. I was sitting in my car after an upsetting conversation with my mom. I felt lost. My best friend at the time had left for her mission. She and I had pretty much been inseparable, so you can imagine that separation anxiety was a real thing. I felt out of place in my family. I felt empty and worthless. So I prayed cried sobbed out loud to God the one thing I could muster:

Please help me.

Growing up, I knew there was a God, but it was until this moment that I experienced His reality so deeply. I felt peace come over me. I knew He was aware of me. Since then and through a journey of (mostly) trials, I have come to rely so deeply on my God. He is first and will always be first in my life. In the darkest moments, I have held on to only Him. I've felt lonely, but have always known that I was never alone. He promised me that I would never be alone and He has kept that promise.

This year in particular has been a whirlwind of both good and trying times. Gosh, the beginning of the year was just so awful! I've hit some low points, but this years low point was just- well you know, awful! I was angry at my situation, but NEVER was I ever angry with God. I couldn't be mad at Him. To this day, I can't ever be mad at Him. Knowing God, I just can't bring myself to be angry with Him. Really, all I could do was pray and let the chips fall where they may.

Here I am in October 2016 and we have been closer now more than we ever have been. The other day, I realized the true strength of our relationship through one of the most sacred Priesthood blessings I've ever had. In the past six months, I have stayed awake through the night to converse with Him. Funny to think that the dark, quiet night is the time I feel so much light and love. I have been pouring out my raw heart to Him and He listens to me. Personal revelation has been flowing more than it ever has. I'm slowly learning how our communication works and let me tell you, it's working beautifully!

He's my God. I am His and He is mine. Words could never eloquently express my deep love for Him. I know He knows me so deeply and intimately. I want to know Him so deeply and intimately too. We're working on it together. He knows me better than I know myself. He sees me as the divine Queen that I am and reminds me of my divinity all the time. He's my Father. My Father. He makes up the difference where others lack. He listens to my endless rants, frustrations, cries- whatever! He wants me to talk to Him. No judgement. Just love.

There's absolutely no way that I could (would) ever deny Him. He is real. He is very real to me and I feel His love for me every single day! Not a day goes by that I don't see His hand in my life. I've been praising Him more each day. I've been expressing my gratitude to Him more each day. I've been asking Him for forgiveness and strength to be better more each day. I rely so heavily on Him. And it's so easy for me, because I love Him!

When He calls, I always come. Is it easy? Not always. Sometimes I'm hesitant. But I always come to Him, because I love Him. I love Him more than anything and anyone. I love Him more than I love myself. My desire to do His will has only been growing. It's not easy. But He's worth it, so I trust Him. His love is fulfilling and the light that it brings into my life is everything I need.

He is First. He is always first.

Love Letters #12

"I've been refined so much the past two months and I feel so good. It's been hard, but gosh, it has been so good! I feel like I'm becoming more true to myself. I'm accepting myself and that's something I've always struggled to do. My relationship with God has been getting stronger through this journey and I love Him so! I know He has a lot in store for us, so I make sure I pray for you on the daily. Sounds cheesy, but I ain't playin'! I pray that your relationship with God is being strengthened. I pray that your heart and mind are open to Him. I pray that you are also being refined. I pray that you feel constantly feel loved. I pray that you are doing the Lord's will. If we're going to do the Lord's will, I know that we both need to be refined individually and love God more than anything! I'm convinced we're becoming the dream team! That's cool." 

Read the last entry in this series: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/09/love-letters-11.html

Little Miracles

I lost my apartment key yesterday. I spent several hours searching for this key. I tore apart my room and put it back together. It was so organized and clean that there was literally no way that it could be in my room. However, I had this feeling that everything would be okay and I would find that key. I didn't know when they key would be found, but I knew that it would be. I prayed to the Lord with gratitude for this opportunity to exercise my faith in Him. I let Him know that I accepted the fact that it was gone and that I might not find it. When it came to leave my apartment, I found a way to lock the door using a plastic bag. I felt discouraged that I couldn't find the key, but I still had faith in God.

You probably already figured out the rest of the story, so I'll just say that the key magically appeared on the floor at work. It must have been attached to part of my costume that I wasn't wearing. The funny thing is, I had looked at my costume over and over to know for sure that there was no key attached to it. But there the key was. Right there on the floor.

I know that God was testing me. I'm so grateful that He did, because it gave me the opportunity to really see where my faith was. I chose to put my faith and trust in Him. I kept letting Him know that if it be His will, the key would show up. Yes, I felt discouraged, but I still knew and felt strongly that God would provide and He did.

I love my God. I praise Him for His goodness and mercy towards me over something so small. It's these little moments that have built my relationship with Him to be so strong. He's the first source that I always go to.  I just love Him. He is always first and I know that He looks out for me.

All good things!

Free-write: The In-between

A dreary Monday it has been and here I am snuggled up with a mug of hot chocolate taking in the last hours of the day. I've been thinking a lot about the in-between. I guess you could call it the waiting period. Just waiting. So to fill this dark in-between, I've been immersing myself in reading. If you could only see the stacks of books on my shelf waiting to be read. Three piles to be exact.

Sometimes I feel really frustrated, because impatience is a real thing. Impatience brings a lot of doubt. Or perhaps it's the opposite. Doubt brings a lot of impatience. I don't know. I'm learning how to push away the doubt and shake the impatient feeling. It's not always easy, but I'd say it's been a journey. I want to be less impulsive and more patient and open.

It's not the worst.

30 Days

I've written about my struggle with depression and anxiety. Last week I could feel triggers of it and knew that I needed to fight it while I could. But gosh, sometimes it just really hits! I was lying in bed feeling tired and trying to fight the darkness that just wanted to take over. I received a phone notification indicating a new blog post my friend had posted and quickly went to read it. She talked about how she is reading The Book of Mormon in 30 days. It was like a light was turned on in my brain and I decided to do it.

Today marks day 5 of the challenge and I can personally testify that my battle with mental illness has been a breeze. Filling my heart and mind with goodness has been just the medicine to cure the ache inside. I'm learning more about myself, God, and Jesus Christ. The constant reminder of Gods goodness has kept me moving forward. The need for repentance has been a common theme so far and I am realizing just how much I need to continually be repenting. And while sometimes that can be overwhelming, I love that the call for repentance is always followed with a reminder of my Savior.

The goodness continues, stay tuned!

September through pictures

Friends is spelled T A C O S

Love the tacos, hate that one is unlike the others.

A sweet surprise from some ward friends.

I made peanut butter bars.

I got sick and some sweet ladies dropped this care package off.