Free-write: Women's Conference

My spiritual canteen is already brimming and I have so many thoughts. A free-write if you will.

LDS General Conference has officially begun! Women's conference was absolutely stellar! I did my daily meditation beforehand, so that I could have a clear mind and heart. This conference is different for me because I actually have questions. It's so important for me to have my mind and heart in the right place, because I desire personal revelation.

It began with a bang! I only had one burning question for this session and Sister Jean B. Bingham answered that in the first two minutes! She spoke of using the light of the gospel to see others clearly. During my healing process (which you can read here and here.), it has been absolutely vital for me to see my higher self. Keeping my covenants and doing what I should be doing has been the solution. Because I've been doing this consistently, I have found that I haven't been shaming myself as often. I view myself differently. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to do my best. I prayed beforehand for ways to see others differently. What was the solution to that? Charity.

"And no one can assist in this work except he shall be humble and full of love, having faith, hope, and charity, being temperate in all things, whatsoever shall be entrusted to his care." -D&C 12:8

 Can you imagine how differently this world would be if we all had charity? It's the pure love of Christ! That's powerful! If we spoke more positively about each other and encouraged each other, I believe people would react differently. Life is hard. At the very least, we can share Christ-like love to each other. We all came here for the same purpose. It's not a race to the finish line.

Sister Bingham went on to talk about one of my very favorite things. Progression. The beauty and reality of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that anyone can improve. It's through the atonement of Jesus Christ that makes change possible. I love this truth so much, because it gives me hope. We're all trying to do our best in this life. And gosh! This life can just really suck sometimes! We're all humans having our own human experience. We struggle. We make mistakes. We're not perfect. BUT. We can consistently try to improve every single day, multiple times a day! I've personally found that God cares more that I'm sincerely trying to be better. There really can be sweetness during the bitterness of life! We were not sent here to fail! We have each other! We can embrace improvement in each other! We can love and support each other.. If we have charity, we're more kind, patient, humble, and seek the good in others. Sister Bingham encouraged us to commit to work together and to embrace the beauty in each other.

Sister Carole M. Stephens really hit it on the nail and talked about the healing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. She urged all of us to recommit ourselves to the Savior. No more hiding. No more covering our sins. No more feeling alone. Her call to repentance and commitment to God and our covenants, was so moving to me. She had such tenderness in her voice as she spoke of the atonement of Jesus Christ. She recited the sweet words that Jesus Christ spoke to the Americas:

"Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?" -3 Nephi 9:13

I've always loved this verse, because here's Jesus Christ extending an invitation for healing. And every time I read this verse, I can't help but feel the ache of His plea. He wants to heal us. He will meet us where we are and gently holds our hand through the chaos of life. You don't have to carry your burden alone. You don't have to suffer alone. You are not alone!

I've written before about how I am still finding my Savior here. The past few weeks, I've been able to find Him more. Cleansing my inner vessel can only be done properly if I turn to Him. I had to move past my selfish tendencies and cling to Him. I haven't felt lonely. In fact, I've felt the sweetness of His love. It's purifying. It's a driving force in the right direction.

Do you feel His love? Do you hear his plea to let Him heal you? My dear friends, I testify to you that your Savior, Jesus Christ wants you. He loves you. He's walked your path, felt your sweetest joys and bitter pain. The first few steps towards Him, may be hard, but I promise you that they will ultimately change your course. His love is fortifying and will strengthen you in the best way. Because of Him, you can change. You can become your higher and best self. He knows and sees the divinity within you. He will always help you. All you have to do is open the door.

My heart is literally bursting with joy as I think about the goodness of God! You know I love my God more than anything! He is my Father in Heaven and my relationship with Him means the world to me. This session of conference really hit home to me. I needed a reminder that God's perfect plan of happiness was prepared beforehand. All because of love. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf reminded me that I can't change God's will, but God will empower me to do His will. I can testify that is true, because I've personally seen this in my life recently. I've been doing hard things and making a lot of changes, because I am trusting the path he has set before me. My faith in Him has been strengthened each day as I continually choose to follow Him. Has it been easy? Absolutely not. However, my faith in His plan for me is what's keeping me going. He's never forsaken me.

Earlier this year, I went through a really hard trial. Because of my faith and love for my Heavenly Father, I was never mad at Him. I never blamed Him. I knew He had a plan for me. But gosh, it was hard! Looking back, I can clearly see how he prepared the way for me. I'm where He needs me to be. Honestly, I'm so happy where I am. I'm in a good place, because of Him.

Dear friends, I testify that your God knows and loves you. He sees you as the divine son or daughter of God that you are. You are His. Literally. He created you in His image. He created a beautiful plan of happiness all because He loves you and wants you for eternity! Like President Uchtdorf said, God will never force you to follow Him. He didn't do that in the pre-existence and He won't do that now. But He will always love you. He will always be there for you. He will always help you. You're worth it to Him. I can't really fathom the great magnitude of love He has for me, but I have felt His love and I can testify that it is so good. God is good, He is oh so good.

All good things. It's never the worst when you have God and Jesus Christ on your side! Just sayin'!

Becoming (Part Seven)

Coming clean with myself has been one of the most empowering things I've ever done. Allowing myself to heal and cleansing myself off all the junk that has been holding me back. Consistent mediation, prayer, and scripture study has been my staple. I'm becoming a better woman. I'm spiritually empowered, emotionally stable,  and mentally healthy. I can feel warmth. I can see the goodness of God in the details of my life. It's a process and it's working. I'm becoming my best self. I'm becoming in touch with my higher self. I'm filling myself with good things and that has helped me stay focused. In order to fulfill God's will, I needed to cleanse my inner vessel. It's worth it. God's love and goodness flows through me more and more.

I'm becoming and it's beautiful. I am beautiful.

 [PC: Sadie Banks Photography]

Read last entry in this series: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/08/becoming-part-six.html

Women Need Women

I have a special privilege to associate myself with some wonderful women each week. The Spirit is so strong. I look at these women and have so much love for them. Being able to be in their presence has been something I've needed. I've gotten to know them on such an intimate level. They're strong and beautiful.

I truly believe that women need women! We understand each other in ways that men don't. We feel for each other in ways that men don't. (I'm grateful that men balance us out though!) Perhaps that's why we have Relief Society. So that women can come together to love and strengthen each other. 

Relief Society isn't the only place though where women can bond. Even associating with my roommates has been a joy. Gosh, I love them. We all get along so well and it's been so good for my soul to laugh. (And be weird!)

I love when my very best girl friends and I get together. We can have serious conversations while still adding humor to balance it out. We laugh and laugh and laugh. It thoroughly rejuvenates my soul and my canteen is literally brimming with goodness. I feel like my best self. I feel loved. I feel safe and secure.

There's beauty in being a woman of God. Can you imagine if each of us came together in unity and love? The things we could accomplish and the amount of love that could be felt!
Women need women. We just do.

“We are all in this together. We need each other. Oh, how we need each other. Those of us who are old need you who are young, and hopefully, you who are young need some of us who are old...We need deep and satisfying and loyal friendships with each other. These friendships are a necessary source of sustenance. We need to renew our faith every day. We need to lock arms and help build the kingdom so that it will roll forth and fill the whole earth.” ― Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Love Letters #11

"I knew when I was ready that I would begin to feel a shift. I wasn't picturing a big wave of emotion, just a calmness. A nice push in the right direction and here I am. Cleansing my inner vessel day by day. Loving myself more and of course loving God more. Being more obedient to Him. All of this, because I love you. Praying for you that your heart and mind will be open to God. Pushing forward, even when doubt and past pain beg me to stop. The peace is so empowering. I'm ready to open my up my heart again. Regardless of what may come, I am ready to open it up. A little at a time, of course. This shift inside me gives me all the feels, but joy tops them all. I can breathe better."

Read last entry here: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/08/love-letters-10.html

Heart & Mind

Whew. Being sick has opened a lot of time to think. And I mean not even an escape to Stars Hallow or Green Gables could distract me. I've been praying for an open heart and mind for a while now. Meditation has been my key to that door. Ridding myself of my frail natural tendencies and imprinting self-love and peace. I feel more connected with my God. I feel more connected with higher self. It has calmed me during times where anxiety would storm.

Personal Revelation has been flowing so sweetly and flawlessly. It's been intense, but gosh, so wonderful! Having a glimpse of where I need to be and adjusting my course to follow suit has been so much easier. I truly believe that God's plan is perfectly set before us.

My mind will storm at times and I can feel my heart working double time to calm my mind. The heart knows best, because it feels peace. My mind constantly asks, "What if I'm wrong?" My heart will say, "God has it figured out. Let's keep trusting Him and His peace." My mind calms down and then the two are unified. More personal revelations flows and I feel more enlightened.

Truth is fortifying. The more we seek for truth, the more enlightened we become. My desire for truth has slowly been satisfying and fulfilling. When my my heart and mind are open and connected, I find myself strengthened in many ways. I feel steady on my path even though I cannot see it at times.

It's not the worst. All good things.

Freewrite: Feelings

I was in a terribly bad mood late last night and I had absolutely no desire to talk to God about it. I mean, I obviously attempted, but nothing was coming. Between the hours of 3:00-4:00 AM, has been the best time for God and I to talk. I'd say it happens probably once a week or so when I pour my heart out to him. I was too exhausted last night and told God that if He woke me up during our usual hour, I would talk to Him.

So He did just that.

3:17 was the time that I was woken up and I reluctantly sat up. I talked out loud, because really, who's going to hear me at that hour? The more I talked, the more confused I became. It didn't help that I wasn't in the mood to talk. The problem with feeling 'meh' is that I can't figure out how I truly feel. It' makes it hard for me to navigate the root of the problem. When I finished talking, I ended it with the most sincere prayer that I could muster. My head hit that pillow and I was out.

I've been feeling a lot lately. Mixed emotions about a lot of different aspects of my life and I feel like I am drowning. Like last night. Drowning in my own emotions until numbness comes. It's dangerous.

Triggers. Sometimes I will feel triggered by something and that causes a lot of confusion. Underneath that confusion is a thick, gooey layer of pain. A mess that I don't want to trudge through.

Fear of abandonment. 

No reciprocation. 

Needs not met

Self conscious

Trust broken

Abuse

Self sabotage

Just a few things that were triggered. Some more than others. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate how I feel. I hate how I perceive myself and others. I hate how tired I feel, because it's so mentally and emotional taxing.

And back to that gooey layer. It's a thick black mixture. Bittersweet to the taste.  Its sticky, grainy texture clings to you. It coats you well, because even if you try to wipe it off, it gets everywhere. (This makes me think of Candyland.)

So I'm pulling things apart. I can't live this way. I need to deal with this layer of pain. I'm writing my feelings out on napkins, ripped corners of paper, post it notes- anything! Praying and scripture study has become harder, but I force myself. I believe that God recognizes my efforts even though they seem so insignificant.

And even with all of this, I still firmly say, it's not the worst.