Women Need Women

I have a special privilege to associate myself with some wonderful women each week. The Spirit is so strong. I look at these women and have so much love for them. Being able to be in their presence has been something I've needed. I've gotten to know them on such an intimate level. They're strong and beautiful.

I truly believe that women need women! We understand each other in ways that men don't. We feel for each other in ways that men don't. (I'm grateful that men balance us out though!) Perhaps that's why we have Relief Society. So that women can come together to love and strengthen each other. 

Relief Society isn't the only place though where women can bond. Even associating with my roommates has been a joy. Gosh, I love them. We all get along so well and it's been so good for my soul to laugh. (And be weird!)

I love when my very best girl friends and I get together. We can have serious conversations while still adding humor to balance it out. We laugh and laugh and laugh. It thoroughly rejuvenates my soul and my canteen is literally brimming with goodness. I feel like my best self. I feel loved. I feel safe and secure.

There's beauty in being a woman of God. Can you imagine if each of us came together in unity and love? The things we could accomplish and the amount of love that could be felt!
Women need women. We just do.

“We are all in this together. We need each other. Oh, how we need each other. Those of us who are old need you who are young, and hopefully, you who are young need some of us who are old...We need deep and satisfying and loyal friendships with each other. These friendships are a necessary source of sustenance. We need to renew our faith every day. We need to lock arms and help build the kingdom so that it will roll forth and fill the whole earth.” ― Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Love Letters #11

"I knew when I was ready that I would begin to feel a shift. I wasn't picturing a big wave of emotion, just a calmness. A nice push in the right direction and here I am. Cleansing my inner vessel day by day. Loving myself more and of course loving God more. Being more obedient to Him. All of this, because I love you. Praying for you that your heart and mind will be open to God. Pushing forward, even when doubt and past pain beg me to stop. The peace is so empowering. I'm ready to open my up my heart again. Regardless of what may come, I am ready to open it up. A little at a time, of course. This shift inside me gives me all the feels, but joy tops them all. I can breathe better."

Read last entry here: http://itsnottheworst.blogspot.com/2016/08/love-letters-10.html

Heart & Mind

Whew. Being sick has opened a lot of time to think. And I mean not even an escape to Stars Hallow or Green Gables could distract me. I've been praying for an open heart and mind for a while now. Meditation has been my key to that door. Ridding myself of my frail natural tendencies and imprinting self-love and peace. I feel more connected with my God. I feel more connected with higher self. It has calmed me during times where anxiety would storm.

Personal Revelation has been flowing so sweetly and flawlessly. It's been intense, but gosh, so wonderful! Having a glimpse of where I need to be and adjusting my course to follow suit has been so much easier. I truly believe that God's plan is perfectly set before us.

My mind will storm at times and I can feel my heart working double time to calm my mind. The heart knows best, because it feels peace. My mind constantly asks, "What if I'm wrong?" My heart will say, "God has it figured out. Let's keep trusting Him and His peace." My mind calms down and then the two are unified. More personal revelations flows and I feel more enlightened.

Truth is fortifying. The more we seek for truth, the more enlightened we become. My desire for truth has slowly been satisfying and fulfilling. When my my heart and mind are open and connected, I find myself strengthened in many ways. I feel steady on my path even though I cannot see it at times.

It's not the worst. All good things.

Freewrite: Feelings

I was in a terribly bad mood late last night and I had absolutely no desire to talk to God about it. I mean, I obviously attempted, but nothing was coming. Between the hours of 3:00-4:00 AM, has been the best time for God and I to talk. I'd say it happens probably once a week or so when I pour my heart out to him. I was too exhausted last night and told God that if He woke me up during our usual hour, I would talk to Him.

So He did just that.

3:17 was the time that I was woken up and I reluctantly sat up. I talked out loud, because really, who's going to hear me at that hour? The more I talked, the more confused I became. It didn't help that I wasn't in the mood to talk. The problem with feeling 'meh' is that I can't figure out how I truly feel. It' makes it hard for me to navigate the root of the problem. When I finished talking, I ended it with the most sincere prayer that I could muster. My head hit that pillow and I was out.

I've been feeling a lot lately. Mixed emotions about a lot of different aspects of my life and I feel like I am drowning. Like last night. Drowning in my own emotions until numbness comes. It's dangerous.

Triggers. Sometimes I will feel triggered by something and that causes a lot of confusion. Underneath that confusion is a thick, gooey layer of pain. A mess that I don't want to trudge through.

Fear of abandonment. 

No reciprocation. 

Needs not met

Self conscious

Trust broken

Abuse

Self sabotage

Just a few things that were triggered. Some more than others. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate how I feel. I hate how I perceive myself and others. I hate how tired I feel, because it's so mentally and emotional taxing.

And back to that gooey layer. It's a thick black mixture. Bittersweet to the taste.  Its sticky, grainy texture clings to you. It coats you well, because even if you try to wipe it off, it gets everywhere. (This makes me think of Candyland.)

So I'm pulling things apart. I can't live this way. I need to deal with this layer of pain. I'm writing my feelings out on napkins, ripped corners of paper, post it notes- anything! Praying and scripture study has become harder, but I force myself. I believe that God recognizes my efforts even though they seem so insignificant.

And even with all of this, I still firmly say, it's not the worst.

Five Years

We each were feeling the sting of being heart broken. We were young. Early twenties. Very different, but vibrant women. We gathered in the cold, dimly lit parking garage,  huddled over the grate, each clinging to a picture. One by one we each held our photo and said our goodbyes. We burned those pictures to symbolize our letting go. Ice cream and Taylor Swift's "Picture To Burn" was the celebration of our new found freedom.

Fast forward five years. 

I look back and think how dramatic and unnecessary that was. (Although proud we never got caught.) In the moment though, it felt real. I was so young and naive. I had no idea then what I would soon go up against. No more burning pictures. No Taylor Swift to sing my feelings. No ice cream to soothe the pain.

I release my pain differently. I'm a little wiser now. I'm closer to my God and Savior, Jesus Christ. I cry a lot more. Sometimes I eat my feelings, but most times I forget to eat. Who knows what I'll change in the next five years. But for now, this is my reality and how I deal. 

It's not the worst.

Filling My Canteen

I've been setting aside some time to fill my canteen each week. This precious time is scheduled each Saturday morning. It's very important that it's filled to the brim, before the next week, because life just drains it. Especially during the winter months, it's absolutely necessary that I make this time for myself. A few things that I do are as follows:

Sleep! Gosh, sleep is important! Especially when I don't seem to get much of it any other time during the week. And if my body says it wants to sleep in until 10, I don't fight it. I have no alarm. (TBH, I don't need one, because my body usually wakes up pretty early.)

Pancakes are a must. Chocolate chip to be exact. Mama Rock used to make pancakes every Saturday morning and the smell would wake me up. I've always associated pancakes with Saturday and I always will. I also love cooking/baking, so making pancakes satisfies that.

Reading. It's absolutely necessary for me to make time for me to read. Even if it's 30 minutes long, I need my reading time. It's precious time to me, because it's something that I thoroughly enjoy. If I had to pick 2 things to do with my time, it would be sleeping and reading. (Eating would be third, obviously.)

Stretching. I've been stretching a lot. Stretching those muscles. I'm kind of an idiot who hates stretching before/after I run during the week, so I spend extra time to stretch out my tired muscles. It always ends with me just lying on the ground letting my mind wander. Sometimes Most times, I fall asleep.

Listening to music is essential. I've always been a music junkie. I have my Saturday playlist playing in the background as I go about my morning. I love looking up new artists and adding new content to my playlist.

Those are just a few things I do, but when my canteen is full, I'm ready to start the week off with a bang! Being able to do this has helped me spiritually. When I give time to myself and fill my happy tank, I feel so much more open to God. Sundays are much more intimate and I am better able to feel God's love for me, my family/friends, and those I serve.

Life truly isn't the worst when you're taking care of yourself. Just sayin'.