Freewrite: Feelings

I was in a terribly bad mood late last night and I had absolutely no desire to talk to God about it. I mean, I obviously attempted, but nothing was coming. Between the hours of 3:00-4:00 AM, has been the best time for God and I to talk. I'd say it happens probably once a week or so when I pour my heart out to him. I was too exhausted last night and told God that if He woke me up during our usual hour, I would talk to Him.

So He did just that.

3:17 was the time that I was woken up and I reluctantly sat up. I talked out loud, because really, who's going to hear me at that hour? The more I talked, the more confused I became. It didn't help that I wasn't in the mood to talk. The problem with feeling 'meh' is that I can't figure out how I truly feel. It' makes it hard for me to navigate the root of the problem. When I finished talking, I ended it with the most sincere prayer that I could muster. My head hit that pillow and I was out.

I've been feeling a lot lately. Mixed emotions about a lot of different aspects of my life and I feel like I am drowning. Like last night. Drowning in my own emotions until numbness comes. It's dangerous.

Triggers. Sometimes I will feel triggered by something and that causes a lot of confusion. Underneath that confusion is a thick, gooey layer of pain. A mess that I don't want to trudge through.

Fear of abandonment. 

No reciprocation. 

Needs not met

Self conscious

Trust broken

Abuse

Self sabotage

Just a few things that were triggered. Some more than others. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate how I feel. I hate how I perceive myself and others. I hate how tired I feel, because it's so mentally and emotional taxing.

And back to that gooey layer. It's a thick black mixture. Bittersweet to the taste.  Its sticky, grainy texture clings to you. It coats you well, because even if you try to wipe it off, it gets everywhere. (This makes me think of Candyland.)

So I'm pulling things apart. I can't live this way. I need to deal with this layer of pain. I'm writing my feelings out on napkins, ripped corners of paper, post it notes- anything! Praying and scripture study has become harder, but I force myself. I believe that God recognizes my efforts even though they seem so insignificant.

And even with all of this, I still firmly say, it's not the worst.