Unraveling

When I deeply desire to do the Lord's will, I feel myself begin to unravel. Rawfully exposed is my biggest fear. To be deeply seen terrifies me and I will abandon ship. Fear of abandonment is strong and I just can't bring myself to risk anything.

So then God started hinting at me of things to come. More and more I've realized the need to allow myself to be seen. That scares me. The idea of exposing myself to someone was always saved for my husband- whoever that may be. I first have to find someone who as kind, thoughtful, and caring and oh so patient. That seems like a dream to me. Ugh, but then God kept poking at me to open up. 

I've been opening up little by little. I wasn't about to go full tornado on everyone and just let chaos loose. No. I need to feel safe and grounded, before I could share myself. Even in the smallest way. If I don't fee safe, I will abandon ship. I can sense if someone is genuinely present or not. I know what it feels like to have someone emotionally detached and physically vanish. I admit, I have done the same thing. I promised myself that as I wouldn't do that anymore. I would genuinely be present. I wouldn't jump ship before, after, or during those moments of exposure. It's hard, but it feels unusually calm.

Ugh, it's not the worst. All good things.