Begin Again

As the night has made its usual debut, I sit here in my apartment alone listening to the rattle of the washer and dryer in the laundry room. I've got soft piano music by the ever genius, David Tolk and my hot mug of herbal sleepy time tea. There's a book next to me and two journals opened with my black pen between them.

I'm winding down and spewing out the days thoughts in my journals. The need to wind down is necessary. I thoroughly enjoy it. Especially on Saturday nights. It gets me ready for Sunday. 

I was alone pretty much the whole day. It gave me a lot of time to think and re-evaluate (for the billionth time) about my life. Where do I want to go, who do I want to be- things like that. On the other hand, my mind was struggling to understand where God wants me to go and who he wants me to be. I've been feeling stuck in rut lately. The depression and anxiety that I have been fighting lately hasn't helped me either.

The last couple of weeks, I've had my moments of tears. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling insecure. Feeling frustrated. Feeling anger. 

I reflected a lot on where I was back in November. Different apartment. Different roommates. Different ward. Different area in Provo. There was a lot going on then. God told me to move. So I moved. And here I am. Different apartment. Different roommates. Different ward. Different area in Provo. 

But you know what? I know I am supposed to be here. I don't know why. But I am. I feel it everyday. And everyday, I wonder why. My roommates are darling and the ward seems nice. But why? Why here? I feel oddly out of place. I dislike feeling uncomfortable. Things are different. 

The one thing that has kept me here is God. I firmly believe in God. Though our relationship has been a bit rocky the last couple weeks, I still believe in Him. That's worth holding onto. Life without God seems meaningless. 

So I'll continue to take one day at a time. I'll continue to write my guts out as I go through this period of my life. I'll continue to feel uncomfortable and completely out of my element. And I'll continue to fight the depression and anxiety that debilitate me. I'll stand tall. I'll do it again and again and again.

Before I said, "Here I am Lord, send me." 

Now I am here saying, 

"Here I am Lord, how may I serve thee?"