Deeply Ingrained

There is a "tugging" feeling that I feel quite often. It tugs my heart when I feel doubt, pain, or confusion. My heart knows the truth, but oft times my mind struggles. My heart gently tugs my mind back to the truth. Even through the deepest pain, my heart knows the truth. My heart has ingrained the gospel of Jesus Christ as it's energy source. My heart has saved my life many times, because of this energy source. That energy source is always replenished as I continue to live my life through obedience. It's replenished through heart-felt prayer. It's replenished through a loving God and Savior, Jesus Christ. What started out as sliver of faith, made a remarkable and sustainable difference. It flows through my body and when it reaches my broken mind, it soothes and heals. It reminds my mind the purpose of my life here. It reminds me of the joy that I have tasted, because of my firm testimony of the gospel. Peace is restored, testimony is strengthened, and my heart and mind are one yet again. I believe I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true. It brings true purpose and joy in a world that seeks to dictate what purpose and joy should be. It heals and soothes the deepest cuts. It provides a fortifying love and faith, that you cannot find elsewhere. So when that "tugging" feeling comes, I embrace it. To me, it's a sweet reminder from God letting me know He loves me and is still there. That means the world to me. And you know what? I know that God and Jesus Christ love you. That's something to smile about. Happy Friday!

Time Change

I have a love/hate relationship with Daylight Savings. I love Daylight Savings in the fall. I hate Daylight Savings in the spring. (I guess it's technically still winter but whatev.) I hate that it throws of my schedule. This last time change was a wild ride. It hit during possibly the worst time of the month. And Sunday was fast Sunday for my ward, so no food or water to wake me up.

Shark week + Fast Sunday + Daylight Savings = H-E-Double Hockey Sticks. 

However, spiritually, I had what ended up being a very humbling experience. So let's the change the title now to:

TIME to CHANGE

In tears, I confided in my brother my dilemma. I sobbed. A lot. He later reminded me the wise counsel from Bryant S Hinckley:

FORGET YOURSELF and GO TO WORK!!!

The past couple of weeks, I have been so self-involved and closed door-ed that I have been blinded. I've been so worried about me. My life, my problems, my questions etc. It makes me wonder how many opportunities to serve I missed out on, because I was in my own little world. This really caused me to take a step back and repent. something. fierce.

I am here. Here to serve the Lord. I read a beautiful talk given by Elder Neil A. Maxwell called, "Willing to Submit" and it hit my heart! In my own life, I have found that the moments when I do my best to submit my will to the Lord, it usually always requires me to serve. DUH, MARLI! I know this, you know this-amen hallelujah! But you see, I forgot. Again. Because I am human. 

Cuz I'm only human...Thank you Christina Perri. But in all seriousness, I need to forget myself and the trials and drama that are going on and focus outward. 

"Spiritual submissiveness means, instead, community and communion as the mind and the heart become settled. We then spend much less time deciding, and much more time serving; otherwise, the more hesitation, the less inspiration." -Elder Neil A Maxwell

Perhaps you're smarter than me and are rolling your eyes, because you knew this. Or maybe, you're like me and you need a good spiritual tune up or as I like to put it, SMACK IN THE FACE! But also, it's not so much of service, but developing charity. 

At family home evening tonight, we talked about charity and why it is so necessary. Can you imagine stepping into the Savior's shoes and experiencing that immense love and compassion for literally everyone? Can you imagine how different our world would be, if we all made more of an effort to not only serve, but to have Christ-like love? It's human nature to have a sense of belonging. And how great would it be, if that sense of belonging came from outstretched arms filled with Christ-like love and compassion?

So if you're drowning in your own world, I dare you to step out of yourself. Look around you and honestly ask yourself:

Have I done any good in the world today?

Have I helped anyone in need?

Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?

If not, I have failed indeed.

Has anyone's burden been lighter today

Because I was willing to share?

Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?

When they needed my help was I there?

Then wake up and do something more

Than dream of your mansion above.

Doing good is a pleasure, a joy beyond measure,

A blessing of duty and love.

[source here]

The time to change is now.

Begin Again

As the night has made its usual debut, I sit here in my apartment alone listening to the rattle of the washer and dryer in the laundry room. I've got soft piano music by the ever genius, David Tolk and my hot mug of herbal sleepy time tea. There's a book next to me and two journals opened with my black pen between them.

I'm winding down and spewing out the days thoughts in my journals. The need to wind down is necessary. I thoroughly enjoy it. Especially on Saturday nights. It gets me ready for Sunday. 

I was alone pretty much the whole day. It gave me a lot of time to think and re-evaluate (for the billionth time) about my life. Where do I want to go, who do I want to be- things like that. On the other hand, my mind was struggling to understand where God wants me to go and who he wants me to be. I've been feeling stuck in rut lately. The depression and anxiety that I have been fighting lately hasn't helped me either.

The last couple of weeks, I've had my moments of tears. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling insecure. Feeling frustrated. Feeling anger. 

I reflected a lot on where I was back in November. Different apartment. Different roommates. Different ward. Different area in Provo. There was a lot going on then. God told me to move. So I moved. And here I am. Different apartment. Different roommates. Different ward. Different area in Provo. 

But you know what? I know I am supposed to be here. I don't know why. But I am. I feel it everyday. And everyday, I wonder why. My roommates are darling and the ward seems nice. But why? Why here? I feel oddly out of place. I dislike feeling uncomfortable. Things are different. 

The one thing that has kept me here is God. I firmly believe in God. Though our relationship has been a bit rocky the last couple weeks, I still believe in Him. That's worth holding onto. Life without God seems meaningless. 

So I'll continue to take one day at a time. I'll continue to write my guts out as I go through this period of my life. I'll continue to feel uncomfortable and completely out of my element. And I'll continue to fight the depression and anxiety that debilitate me. I'll stand tall. I'll do it again and again and again.

Before I said, "Here I am Lord, send me." 

Now I am here saying, 

"Here I am Lord, how may I serve thee?"

Another day

Woke up. 

Showered. 

Dressed. 

Bed made. 

Ate a bowl of cereal. 

Did my hair.

Did my make up.

 Ate another bowl of cereal.

 Then a banana.

  Made my lunch.

 Packed my bag.

 Left for work.

Put my happy face on.

Worked.

Left work late.

Ate a bowl of cereal.

Tears.

Tired.

Teeth brushed, face washed.

Read 

Bedtime.

All day, I kept wishing I was somewhere else. Not here. Not eating cereal for breakfast and dinner.  Not tired. Not dealing with customer's bank accounts. Not dealing with anxiety and depression. I wanted to be somewhere new. Somewhere sunny. And warm. Not cold and dreary. I longed to be someone else. Not me. Not wanting to deal with my life. Not today. Not today.

We all have these days. 

It's okay.

Life goes on.

Keep moving forward.

There's growth

and goodness

and joy ahead.

I promise.