Still

There are moments where I lay very, very still. Breathing is slow, eyes are open, and I am keenly aware of my surroundings. However, emotionally- I am checked out. Dark waves draw in with their pain. These waves bring in those dark memories of my past and the girl I once was. They cause confusion. I begin to think that I am still that girl. I close my eyes. Wave after wave of humiliation and self-loathing come to replace the light and happiness in my life. They wish to draw me out where they can then pull me under.

The old me would settle and allow the darkness to seep in. I'd sink into the most terrible abyss. I don't allow that anymore. I don't fight the waves, but I invite them in. When they draw in, I let them take some of the light. I remember that I have changed. My past experiences have changed and shaped me. I am not who I once was. Light will always conquer the dark; those heavy, dark waves leave the shore much lighter and clear. I don't sink, rather I am floating.

I know where I've been and who I was, but I am not that girl anymore. I am better. I am lighter. I am happier. I cherish those still moments.